Swinging With Safety

The manual for sexual sharing by couples

A book by Robert H. Adler

About the author

Bob Adler was the founder, with his wife Nancy, of the The Sensitivity Seminar Group of Zephyrhills, Florida, the first educational seminar on the swinging lifestyle. The eight-hour seminar program operated once a month from 1981 to 1993, up to and including the day he died. The alumni group of graduates was known as Club Sensitivity, a small group of 200-plus well-behaved and sexually enlightened couples who met weekly at the Adler’s home. During this period of his life he was enthralled by the apparent beauty and success of couples sexual sharing. He himself, once a massive cheater in his own first marriage, became devoted to the lifestyle, seeing it as the great answer to the deceptive practice of cheating which destroys so many relationships. He began to write about the behavior he observed between couples in erotic play, and these were published in lifestyle journals. His widow, Nancy, has now consolidated those writings into a book entitled "Swinging With Safety, The Manual for Sexual Sharing by Couples" and made it available to the public through this web site. Although Anakosha teaches that the overlay of friendship to sexual sharing is what adds the full dimension of enrichment to experiences in sexual sharing, this book is a valuable practical guide for anyone exploring sexual sharing, even the more anonymous versions of the activity.

Some exerpts from the book

"Swinging is not about personal sex, which is what a couple have in their own private, one-on-one relationship. It is, instead, about recreational, friendly sex. Swinging, to those of us who have tried to define it to each other, is about protecting our relationships, not risking them. Approached as a recreational activity, there is no more risk than you find in a mixed bowling league or at a Saturday night card club, except that it is far more pleasurable, exciting and stimulating." (Chapter 1, A Definition of Couples Swinging)

"Swinging emerged to avoid cheating. It’s a medium for couples to enjoy sexual variety while simultaneously preserving their personal relationship. This natural progression in our monogamous society involves a sense of group responsibility, where all members of the group watch out for one another. Sexual variety means exactly that, a variety of at least several other partners in fun, light, social, recreational relationships. You can fall in lust for an hour or two, but you fall out of it at the end. You go home with the one you love, the one with whom you have a full-time commitment. (Chapter 1, A Definition of Couples Swinging)

"There is a theory abroad that any relationship that includes extramarital sex activities is seriously threatened. This theory, unfortunately, has been proven correct wherever the fabrication of lies, deceit and personal head trips have been involved. A relationship, just like the proverbial house, once divided against itself must eventually fall. Extramarital sex in the swinging scene, however, involves a reversal of this theory, for extramarital sex among swingers is not only no threat at all but actually enhances a couple's relationship." (Chapter 7, The Protective Blanket of Couples Swinging)

"We wish we could say that the one special couple relationship works beautifully, but reality has shown us that it remains still a fantasy......Not only does the concept of finding that "one special couple" not work, the probabilities of it destroying your primary relationship are close to 99% if it does work for awhile." (Chapter 19, Looking for the Perfect Couple)

"But the most important rule of all, which to us is not a rule but a philosophy, is the Rule of No. Simply stated, the Rule of No means that each person has the absolute right of choice as to what he or she does with his or her body. That includes the right to choose who to have sex with, and equally, what to permit the other person to do once in the bedroom. You have a right to expect this universally, wherever you go in the swinging lifestyle. It is the basic rule that everyone understands. The Rule of No means that you are safe from having to be with someone you choose not to have a sexual encounter with. Swinging is a mutual consent activity." (Chapter 32, The Rule of No)

"That couples want to reaffirm their wedding vows to each other in group ceremonies is a fresh new approach to past attempts at communal love relationships. It is as if these couples are saying, 'It is not sexual anarchy that we want, where everybody is everybody’s wife and husband. And it’s not a dictatorship, we don’t want to follow a leader. Nor is it a church where we have to believe one school of thought. We just want to be ourselves....We are not a group. We are only two, a husband and wife and we come first above all else. We are committed to each other first. No 'group' is going to take that away from us.' And these couples apparently need to say it publicly: 'Yes, I’ve gone to bed with you and I’ve enjoyed it. And Yes, I’ll go to bed with you again, and probably with lots of others as well. But this person beside me is my first love. I’ve chosen him, her, to live with and I have not forsaken that commitment, no matter how many others I go to bed with.’" (Chapter 67, The Love Connection)

Introduction, by Nancy Adler Wilson........................1


PART  1  - An introduction to swinging 

CHAPTER 1A  Definition of Couples Swinging ...............15
CHAPTER 2   Swinging is Not Sexual Anarchy ...............17
CHAPTER 3   What Does the Word "Swinging" Mean? ..........20
CHAPTER 4   The Three Paths of Swinging  .................23
CHAPTER 5   How Did Swinging Get Started? ................27
CHAPTER 6   Why Do People Swing? .........................29
CHAPTER 7   The Protective Blanket Of Couples Swinging ...31
CHAPTER 8   Threesomes .................................. 35

PART 2 - Understanding the swing club scene

CHAPTER 9   About Clubs in General .......................38
CHAPTER 10  On-Premise Clubs .............................39
CHAPTER 11  Off-Premise Clubs ............................42
CHAPTER 12  The Closed-Membership Club ...................44
CHAPTER 13  Private House Parties ........................46
CHAPTER 14  How to Screen For a Club .....................47
CHAPTER 15  Big Parties Versus Small Parties .............49
CHAPTER 16  Lifestyle Conventions ........................50

PART 3 - How to meet compatible couples

CHAPTER 17  Screening: the key to good encounters ........54
CHAPTER 18  What to screen for ...........................58
CHAPTER 19  Looking for that perfect couple? .............61
CHAPTER 20  How to answer a swingers ad ..................65
CHAPTER 21  How to place a swingers ad ...................68
CHAPTER 22  What Not To Do In Placing Ads ................70

PART 4 - Women in swinging

CHAPTER 23  Male Misconceptions About Women in Swinging ..74
CHAPTER 24  Looking For a Bi-Woman? ......................75
CHAPTER 25  How to Get Your Lady Into Swinging ...........76
CHAPTER 26  Abused Women In Swinging .....................79
CHAPTER 27  When Your Lady Doesn’t Want to ...............81
CHAPTER 28  Female Orgasms ...............................82
CHAPTER 29  Swinging on Your Period ......................83

PART 5 - Men in swinging

CHAPTER 30  Shy Guys .....................................86
CHAPTER 31  The Single Male in Swinging ..................88

PART 6 - Rules of Etiquette & Behavior

CHAPTER 32  The Rule of No ...............................93
CHAPTER 33  Beware Laying Rules on Each Other ............96
CHAPTER 34  Release Your Partner at the Party ............99
CHAPTER 35  Hovering ....................................100
CHAPTER 36  Tickets .....................................101
CHAPTER 37  Say What You Want to Say ....................103
CHAPTER 38  Exchanging Phone Numbers ....................104
CHAPTER 39  Agree on a Quitting time ....................105
CHAPTER 40  Cliques .....................................106
CHAPTER 41  Same Bedroom or Separate? ...................110
CHAPTER 42  How To Approach A Potential Partner .........112
CHAPTER 43  Don’t Be a Gossip ...........................114
CHAPTER 44  Group Room Etiquette ........................116
CHAPTER 45  Alcohol and Drugs ...........................118
CHAPTER 46  Couch Potatoes  .............................119
CHAPTER 47  How to be Guests at a Party .................120
CHAPTER 48  How to Give a House Party ...................126

PART 7 - Fear, Jealousy & Morality—The Killers of Swinging

CHAPTER 49  Fear ........................................133
CHAPTER 50  Jealousy ....................................136
CHAPTER 51  Morality ....................................139

PART 8 -  Attitudes That Enable Swinging To Work

CHAPTER 52  Attitude: The Key to Swinging Success........143
CHAPTER 53  Reduce Expectation ..........................145
CHAPTER 54  An Active Party Is a Good Party .............148
CHAPTER 55  Lighten Up: It’s Fun! .......................149
CHAPTER 56  Don’t Compare Yourself to Others ............150
CHAPTER 57  Swinging Dependants .........................151
CHAPTER 58  Stressful Situations ........................152
CHAPTER 59  Keep the Excitement Alive ...................156
CHAPTER 60  Regular Attendance at a Cub .................158
CHAPTER 61  The Singles Attitude ........................160
CHAPTER 62  Moral Philosophy ............................161
CHAPTER 63  Political Philosophy ........................163
CHAPTER 64  Avoid Negative Self  Worth ..................164
CHAPTER 65  Create a Party Goal .........................165
CHAPTER 66  Take Time to Know People ....................166

PART 9 - The Primary Relationship

CHAPTER 67  The Love Connection .........................170
CHAPTER 68  What Swinging Means to Us Personally ........172

PART 10 - The Role of Education in the Lifestyle

CHAPTER 69  Why Education is Needed .....................175
CHAPTER 70  A School on Swinging  .......................177

HOW TO ORDER

By mail:

You can order a home-published copy of the book by sending $20, plus $2.50 shipping, in U.S. currency, to be shipped anywhere inside the continental U.S. ($5.00 shipping outside the U.S.). Make checks payable to "Anakosha" and mail to Anakosha, 2338 Immokalee Rd., #146, Naples, FL 34120. Allow two to three weeks for delivery.

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Download:

You can download a complete copy of the book for $12 in RTF (rich text format), which can be read in virtually all word processing software. By ordering the download, you agree that your downloaded copy is subject to the full protection of the copyright laws and such remedies as attorney's fees and expenses for detection of violations. You agree not to make more than two additional copies of the download, and agree that all copies shall remain under your control and ownership. Your copy will be e-mailed to you within 24 hours after you order.

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Members:

This book may be downloaded free, chapter by chapter, by members of Anakosha on the members-only section of this website. If you are a current member of Anakosha and have signed the Anakosha privacy agreement, register at the "members register here" area of this website. If you have not sent your email address to Anakosha, however, you must do that first so the system will recognize you. Send it to <nancy@anakosha.org>.