Anakosha
A feminine approach to sexual freedom
Daily Blog
2/20/12 Love is activated when a man and woman get together and appreciate each other during intimate moments of loving exchange. Love is deactivated when there is a lesser attitude during such moments, such as holding onto thoughts of guilt or fear of discovery or low self esteem. Then it is a depreciation of what should be an act of great beauty, pleasure and love. It is not the act itself but the dark thoughts that degrade it. Swinging, which is the sharing of multiple sex partners, can be beautiful. It is about lifting each adventure, each partner, to new heights of appreciation, love, kindness, high esteem and the wholesome giving of pleasure to all concerned. Cheating causes guilt, so better not to cheat or you'll be the worse for it. Talk it out and create a new relationship contract which allows you, each one, more freedom and more space. Men and women naturally create love between them and it's not limited to monogamy. Love and appreciation can be applied to multiple sex partners. But it requires mutual agreement to clear the air and make it work. Brian and I talked it out and expanded our relationship to include others. I don't do things any more under the shadow of guilt or fear, but once upon a time I did. We have rewritten our relationship contract and made it more expansive. Today I enjoy physical intimacies with many people and I am full of love for those I choose to be intimate with. And afterward I have more self-love than what I started out with.
2/18/12 This morning I ran across something about switching genders and want to include it because it sheds light on the gay and lesbian issue. Kryon says (www.kryon.com) "You have been both genders. All of you have been between genders. All of you have been what I will call between genders, and that means that all of you have had gender switches. Do you know what happens when it's time for you to switch gender? You'll have dozens of lifetimes as the same gender. You're used to it. It's comfortable. You cannot conceive of being anything else, yet now it's time to change. It takes approximately three lifetimes for you to get used to it, and in those three lifetimes, you will have what I call gender confusion. That is absolutely normal, yet society often will see switching genders as abnormal. I am tell you you've all been through it. That's what old souls do. It's part of the system."
2/13/12 This is a long one today. Sorry for not getting back to this blog for a couple of weeks. I have been busy with a lot of emails now that we have two lifestyle projects going instead of one. I am screening for experienced couples for our private house parties, www.floridasilverfoxes.com, and also screening for beginning couples for Anakosha discussions, this site. Further, I am trying to reach women through heavy masculine filters and, boy, that's tough. It seems to be mostly men responding to both of these projects. It appears to me that it's men talking to men on the internet about this subject and the women are not being included. Then the men wonder (to me) why they can't get their wives interested. How about communication? Discussion? Talk? How about giving the little woman a voice? An ear? I realize there is a set direction to this conversation at home, if it's been addressed before, and it goes nowhere then if the same arguments are repeated. Then it's old news because nothing new ever gets added. They are both on different pages. That's precisely why Anakosha has started these lifestyle discussions and potlucks with other people. Get some new ideas on the subject. All the facts are not in yet.
It's funny. I have been called a feminist but only when I try to articulate women's needs in swinging. But I'm not a feminist, I'm simply feminine. I love men and want to connect with them. I DO connect with them. All the time. I don't hate men, as the word "feminist" might imply. But after many years of trying to explain feminine needs so that the opposite gender might understand what's missing, I am seen as a feminist taking sides. I have concluded it's not possible to change swingers after they have been in the lifestyle for years, but maybe - just maybe - I can provide some gentle hints to beginning couples who have an open mind.
There is a hidden agenda behind the Anakosha lifestyle discussions but it's all positive and helpful, I assure you. It's to facilitate a meeting of the opposite polarities. Discussions with others is healthy but women's FEELINGS have to be heard too. That's why we have these talks. Sex is from the male point of view, and love and intimacy is from the female's (feelings). There is a need for something "more" on both sides of the fence but the approach from one to the other is so foreign that the fence often becomes a brick wall. The lifestyle discussions are designed for couples who love each other but are bored with the routine and want something more or different. Because of the internet many are beginning to realize there's excitement outside of monogamy and you can keep your relationship too.
We've constructed the lifestyle discussions to be separate from the parties. There is no party. My husband and I now have swing parties on one night and a discussion on another night. New couples with no experience can't attend the parties. They need to either have experience somewhere else, or attend the Anakosha discussion first and then we'll see. Both woman and man need to attend the discussion together. The dark ages are over where the man goes out ahead of his mate and clears a path for her. They have to walk THIS path together. It's important they both talk and listen and come to understand together. The sweetness of sex is the spiritual nature of the orgasm. It's the big draw. It's something sacred, not dirty. Making love is what sex is all about. You literally make love happen by being affectionate to somebody and giving each other the warm ministrations the body craves. It is hungry for this closeness, and you can make love with different partners. You're not restricted to one partner for life. That's an old rule that's being thrown out the window today. It no longer works. See the statistics. Making love which ENDS in sex is a mutual sharing of appreciation, love and kindness. It's an inclusion. Why do people call it "down and dirty"? An orgasm carries you up into heavenly bliss. We say, "Oh God" upon arrival. It's only when people use sex for selfish or abusive ends that it becomes "down and dirty".
The orgasm is beautiful. Love-making is exquisite. Sex is wonderful. Women love it when they are included in the act and allowed to turn on and become aroused and not just used and abused for someone else's pleasure. Women want more love, not less. More romance, more kindness, more consideration, not more genital poking. They want more involvement so they too can turn on. They just won't say it. Don't expect them to say it. I am not a feminist. I am feminine and I speak out. Feminine people feel sensual all over, not just in the genitals which covers only about .1% of the body area. There is 99.9% more skin left to turn on. Use massage. We have nerve endings all over our skin, not just in that one tiny little spot. Husbands who think their wives are cold and not interested in sex haven't understood feminine nature. We get tired of being poked in the same spot over and over. It eventually dulls the area and it becomes numb. We begin rejecting it just to protect the sensitive skin. Until women become empowered and start speaking for themselves, women will continue to resist the rough treatment that numbs them down there. I have heard women say, "What? Go to a swing party and service MORE men? You've got to be kidding."
But it's all a misunderstanding. The two genders don't know each other. It's important to talk about this openly, in a group. We love our mates but we're bored with the sexual behavior that eventually becomes mechanical. We all want something refreshing and new. Different. Many couples stop having sex after years of living together. It becomes a hassle and a downer. But there is another way that provides a refreshing win-win solution that does not harm or destroy the relationship, but rather uplifts it and puts the spunk back into it. I heard a woman say she felt like her life was over at 44! I am 73 and feel as if I've just begun. It is the lifestyle that keeps me going and going. Not the sex, but the refreshing ideas from all the people I come in contact with. (OK, the sex too!) Relationships need to be protected. Each one has an extended family that goes on and on and out and out like a spider web of other people each of whom have different values. Protect the relationship. Divorces do too much damage. The lifestyle of swinging is a saving grace to relationships. It does take some adjustments on the part of both people, but it works. Many couples have found it to be their answer. Intimacy with others revives them.
Bottom line: for thousands of years women have understood the male nature and obliged it. It's time for men to understand the female nature AND oblige it. It's going to be challenging for the male. It's not what he THINKS women want. He'll have to listen well. But learning about feminine nature is the saving grace and the answer to the the world's problems. Empowered women are going to save the planet, as has been said by a number of masters recently. Further, there is a feminine side to men too. In all men there is a kind, gentle, sweet, huggable, slow-down-and-appreciate side. I encourage women to search for that in their men and activate it. When men learn to empower their woman they will empower themselves. It's going to be a miraculous dazzling show when that happens. Empowerment is not one-sided. It takes two to tango. One to lead and one to follow, and then switch. It's not a race or a competition but a mind meld, as in Star Trek.
2/1/12 Meeting online vs. meeting in person. We live in a mental world, not an emotional one. We live in a masculine world, not a feminine one. We are doing a terrible job of listening to our emotions and feelings. Life would be easier if we did. When it comes to finding compatible couples, or even singles seeking compatible dates, it was easier back in the '80s when we had to answer ads in contact magazines and arrange an in-person meeting. Today the temptation is too great to surf the net and see what's out there. Many people are substituting online chats for personal meetings. It's mostly mental. Our feelings are not invited to participate.
Time magazine recently had a cover story, "Is it cheating to have virtual sex?" The internet is invaluable in many ways but it doesn't take the place of face-to-face meetings because the feelings of gut, intuition and heart are absent. How can you possibly meet a compatible couple if all we are using physical measuring sticks? Anakosha is from the old school where you meet people in person and talk with them by looking into their eyes and feeling their emotional response and reading their body English and seeing how they respond to their partner (lovingly or hatefully?). You can't get that from an online chat.
Meet and Greets are nice for the experienced swinging couple, but they're not instructional. They don't help the beginner through the step-by-step process of unfolding into the lifestyle comfortably. Newbies need helping hands not just speed dating couples to choose from. It is so important to learn the rules of the road before you get into the drivers seat. The road ahead could be filled with hidden signs and detours. It is time to change venues and, instead of approaching the lifestyle from a mental perspective, engage the feeling channels. Daydream a little, zone out, activate your sixth sense. See if you can feel the love that is there.
The typical productive person's day usually revolves around a mental game plan. Their subtle emotions, perceptions, sixth sense observations are usually put on the back burner because the mental world demands a quick answer, NOW! And yet emotions are what drive us. Feelings and awarenesses, when not expressed, are buried and become subconscious memories. Our unconscious is filled with buried memories which are not dead at all, but seep out under pressure into our day-to-day thoughts and actions. And we wonder why we do the things we don't want to do! We are filled with powerful, underground forces that we have buried and forgotten, creating the law of attraction and repulsion. Those underlying feelings are the magnets that draw to us over and over what we are so afraid of -- because we are mental people. We don't deal with our emotions well at all. Anakosha is of the old school. She is saying, "Stop burying your feelings! Express them. Speak them. Say the words out loud. You'll feel so much better if you do!" We think we're above it, but we're really the victims of our own creation. As long as we surf the net looking for dates we probably won't find them because our emotional responses are not being utilized. Go instead to a gathering of couples who are present to meet YOU. Couples in the lifestyle want to meet face to face. There is no pressure to do anything on first meetings. It's merely a chance to look, listen, see, evaluate and FEEL each other out.
1/31/12 Two couples have so far committed to attending the March 3rd lifestyle discussion and potluck. Others have expressed interest but haven't committed yet. One couple yesterday found it intriguing and would like to attend but they wanted to know how many had signed up first. Didn't want to attend if nobody else was here. But we won't really know until March 3rd how many are coming, because that's the way it has been for 30 years whenever we held a lifestyle seminar or orientation. Couples are unsure about taking this bold step. It's scary! Thoughts like, "What are we getting ourselves into?" That sort of thinking. Every relationship has a comfort zone, just like an individual. They have spent years working it out so they understand each other. Each relationship is beautifully unique. It's a third person living in the home. Two individuals living together, over time create a workable weave that serves them and their needs. But now, considering sex, love, and intimacy with strangers? It's pretty radical. It could change things dramatically. Do they really want to do this? So there are some pretty heavy discussions going on. They need to talk about it and sleep on it. Their relationship is a joint construct. It's different from each of them as individuals. Individually they could decide yes or no for themselves, but there is more at stake. This is bigger. They have to consider more than themselves. And so it is the relationship - the third party in the home - that needs to decide if "it" will attend this lifestyle discussion. It takes awhile. I expected it. Promotion will continue. I'm writing blogs and newsletters. People are responding. It's a new way of looking at sex and swinging. I hope you will consider coming to the March 3rd discussion and potluck. You will meet some other couples. How many, I can't say. But consider it an evening of entertainment and dinner and talk about things you can't talk about in other places. It won't be heavy, it'll be fun and light-hearted. It won't change you overnight. You'll go back home to think about it some more.
1/30/12 Today I had a request from a “married single” to attend a lifestyle event. A married single is what we call a man who attends lifestyle parties without his wife or girlfriend. He is usually cheating, although some men have received permission from the wife to do this. Most married singles report that their wife is too conservative and "would never....". There are quite a few "married singles" in the lifestyle but we don't want them in Anakosha. Not because they are not nice people - they usually are - but we don't want to encourage dishonesty or cheating. I wrote the married single man that there is another way for him to approach the lifestyle - by talking with his wife about Anakosha.
Anakosha has designed a unique, very toned-down, discussion on the subject for the sake of women who are stuck in the old paradigm of being a good wife and mother and "would never...." It's a place to start. At least the discussion opens the door to let in some light on the subject. It has been designed for women in that we talk about feelings. Men don't like to talk about feelings but women need to. It's important for them. If a husband is going outside of the marriage to find fulfillment and joy and leaving her home alone, she feels it on a subconscious level. It's not healthy for her to repress those feelings. He may THINK she doesn't know, or THINK she is not ready for this, but it makes me wonder if it's not HIM who is not ready to see her become intimate with someone else. I have asked those married singles and their answer is always, "No, she would never...." I don't know if he thinks he is protecting her or what, but he is actually undermining her. Whatever the reason he is cheating on her, it's a coward's way out. Unless they have already had the discussion and reached a mutual agreement to go out separately.
The lifestyle is meant for couples. Dating is for singles. The lifestyle was invented so couples didn't have to cheat. When two people commit to a relationship, they commit to growing up together and having adventures together and making changes together. Sometimes they have to have the tough-love talk and rearrange their reality so it fits the new paradigm. We all change over time as we mature. The lifestyle is one of the greatest self-discovery adventures of all times. It has to do with sex, love and intimacy, which grows over time. Then why would a man want to leave his wife out of it? Why would he want to grow in sex, love and intimacy without her? Women are the masters of sex, love and intimacy. Or maybe it's the woman who wants to explore it without her husband. Maybe she is the one who is leaving him out of it and pretending he wouldn't be interested. But men have feelings too. We all have needs for love.
If sexual intimacy has become boring at home for one, then it's probably boring at home for the other one, too. It's time to talk. There is a solution. Take it to the negotiation table. Anakosha's advice is to open the discussion and let in some fresh air. It'll be a relief. There is no more stimulating subject than sex to talk about. It is difficult to start but if you move it into happy joking, you will see how contagious sex talk can be, especially with some creative visualization. What do you want to see happen? What are you afraid will happen? Ask. Don't assume. And be prepared for some positive answers.
The lifestyle is wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-y overpopulated by single men. There just aren't enough women to service them all. Very few women want to take on the football team - meaning single guys who want casual sex without any responsibility. And if the single men are married, it's offensive to us. Where is the wife? Sex is a two-way street. The bottom line is, respect the relationship. Be honest about it. The Anakosha approach is to encourage honesty andintegrity between the primary couple. That's where true freedom and sexual fulfillment is found.
1/27/12 Someone recently wrote to Anakosha seeking something but not too sure what he was looking for. He finally said he was not really a swinger, he just wanted to meet someone to hang out with and go for walks with. I had to tell him that Anakosha is not the right venue for him. Anakosha is firmly anchored in swinging. So, what is swinging? Swinging is an effort to expand heart, mind and emotions outside the box of one-on-one monogamy. Swinging is not dating, one-on-one. Nor is it cheating - substituting a wife or husband for someone else but still remaining inside the closed and locked bedroom in a one-on-one situation. Swinging is a support group for people who are trying to expand and understand their sexuality by including others on whatever level they choose. A single person looking for a date is not a swinger unless of course they want to be intimate with several people all at the same time. Then you could say he or she is "swinging". Swingers have had to go through an attitude adjustment. They have had to stretch themselves past the psychological barriers that keep monogamy safe. They have dared to climb the wall and escape. They are having adventures. They are experiencing freedom from chains. And they are learning a whole new code of ethics and responsibility because otherwise it wouldn't work. Swingers are learning not to be possessive. They are learning how to share. They are learning how to be honest and finding relief in that. They are not cheaters. I just wanted to clear this point up. Thanks to J who stimulated this blog.
1/26/12 Diana has started a newsletter - click the green link on the home page - probably posted weekly. In this newsletter we are focusing on the divine feminine, next we'll focus on the divine masculine. Don't let that "divine" scare you. It's very, very human. We'll talk about it. This is a great subject. Don't miss out.
1/17/12 When you get together with another couple or attend a gathering of lifestyle couples, don't fall into the giddy, excitable mode. You want to be fully present. Remain grounded and focus on one person at a time. Be a good listener so you can give them a sense of "presence". This is what everybody likes. Then you can give appropriate responses. There is a tendency in a lifestyle party or gathering to get wild. It's the nervous energy in the air. Don't contribute to that. Stay calm. In that way, you will attract people to your calmness. You will be like a safe haven in the chaos. When people give in to the wild and crazy scene, they are not fully present. Their eyes wander. They don't focus. They see the glitter and sparkle but not the real person standing in front of them trying to talk. Notice this next time, how you are drawn to the calm person and wonder about them while everyone else is a'twitter, loud and flighty. Connection is impossible then and conversations degrade or hang in mid-air. Practice being fully present at lifestyle gatherings, even quiet and peaceful, and you will build a "presence" around yourself. People will notice you and raise you in esteem and reputation. Practice consciousness training. Connecting intimately with another couple or single starts with a calm mental focus and communication and grows from there. As you start meeting other couples or singles in the lifestyle, it is not speed dating but consciousness training. Calmness and focus is required. Women like a man who is focusing on her, and is steady, strong and grounded - and a good listener. He will find himself being attractive to women.
1/16/12 Syour reservation in for the Lifestyle Discussion on March 3, 2012 from 7 to 11 pm. Sign up on the Membership page. And now, thought for the day: When I massaged a client this morning it struck me with great insight that the cells in this body were composed of love. The muscles, tissues, organs, blood, everything in that physical body was love in condensed form. Normally we don't feel very loving because in our normal day-to-day the love is stationary. Not moving. We were born to be stationary, something concrete and physical. We were born separate and raised to believe we are separate from everyone else. We have layers of restrictions covering our loving nature - many "should nots", no-no's, taboos and pressure to conform to the way of others. But when we start touching one another in the privacy of quiet massage, and we start rubbing one another in loving, caring touch, the love in us starts moving. We start feeling love. We are already love. Everything is love. We've just shut it all down and do not use it. What you don't use you lose. But the love doesn't go away. It's just sitting there, stagnant, like a rock in the field. But start rubbing in a caring way, or simply touching in a subtle gentle way, and notice the movement. It's an arousal. Massage is the nicest thing you can do for your lover to give them a warm feeling. It's not sexual at first. Don't turn it sexual right away. Allow the love to move. It can turn sexual later - and will, naturally - but at first let the person feel the love moving.
1/9/12 Reminding you there's a Lifestyle discussion March 3, 2012. And now today's thoughts: The world is changing and our belief systems are transforming. We are growing larger than what we grew up believing. We are moving out of the box of the past traditions and swinging is a prime example. The word "swinging" is just a label applied to a new reality emerging which is allowing more love and intimacy between people. It's a new freedom which respects that each person has a right to reach out to touch and explore what is natural. A couple has a hard time with this because couples used to own each other. It was a possessive thing. But that is changing - couples have an opportunity to enrich their relationship by loving more people. It breaks the feelings of being stifled and held back. They don't have to break up. This movement is seeping quietly into our lives from an invisible place. We didn't notice it before, but now suddenly, here it is, right in front of your nose. More and more couples are exploring swinging. If you are being urged to look into the lifestyle, Anakosha is a gentle portal to learn more. There's an innate urge to love and touch other people but it's a mistake to restrict it to "sex". It's much more than that. Sex is a focus that draws us, but there's a right way to approach this lifestyle and a wrong way. It's a respectful movement, not a selfish "gimme" free-for-all. It is important to learn the code of behavior to feel comfortable with yourself and accepted by others.
1/7/12 The first lifestyle discussion in Naples will be on Sat., March 3, 2012. It runs from 7 to 11 pm. It's for couples only (or friend pairs). To attend, you both must fill out the form on the Membership page and pay $20 per person. This is your annual dues in Anakosha. It's how we earn money to keep it going. The discussion is only $10 couple plus a dish. I was asked yesterday if we ever gave private discussions for, say, two or three couples. They were intimidated by thoughts of a large group. It's a good question, but no, we don't. And the group is not that large. It's natural to be nervous because your mind starts imagining all sorts of weird things happening. But let me assure you that this lifestyle discussion is normal. It's about as straight as you can get. It's fully clothed, and the focus is mental, not sexual. It's like a class in a university for purposes of learning and understanding how the lifestyle works. There is a potluck for good reason. First, it'll be 4 hours and we'll be hungry. Plus eating soothes the jangled nerves better than drugs, which are illegal and not allowed here. Neither is heavy drinking. I don't know any other place where you can learn about the lifestyle without someone pressuring you to get naked and go to bed. Which is why we're doing this. There's no sex. It's not a party. This is a beginning step where you can meet others who are also new at this. Parties form naturally after you've met some people with whom you'd like to take it further. It could be just one other couple, or maybe a third person for a threesome. Or it could be a multi-couple party. Don't rush it. Take it slow. Become familiar with it - and comfortable with the people.
12/26/11 We have a calendar of dates for the lifestyle discussions. See discussion & potlucks.
12/22/11 no dates have been scheduled. Please check back. Promotion starts in 2012. Meanwhile, thought for the day:
__________________________________
12/22/11 - Chakras are portals through which your spirit enters your dense physical body. Spirit is pure like liquid diamond light, but when it enters the body it is usually degraded by a person's thoughts and actions. Most people reduce their spiritual energy by being critical, judgmental, selfish or otherwise. When you have sex, hold gracious uplifting thoughts to uplift the other person and yourself. Otherwise, your belly button, which is your second chakra, is wide open and sucking inward from the other person. When you were an embryo in your mother's womb you drew nutrition from her through the umbilical cord and by default this portal into your sacred inner body may still be sucking in unless you have consciously closed it. The naval chakra is your emotional chakra, the second chakra of seven. If you have sudden crazy thoughts, or sudden sadness, or sudden anger, they may be coming from outside of you. During sex, especially in the missionary position where belly buttons rub together, it is important to radiate beautiful uplifting thoughts of a loving nature. When you hold thoughts of love and joy, negatives can't get in because you're consciously pushing out love and light. Love doesn't attach. Loving others is not a problem. It's the emotional attachments that cause the problems.
2/1/11 When you open your relationship to include others intimately, it's really important to set boundaries. It's a huge asset to be able to say No if that's what you honestly feel, rather than saying Yes because you feel obligated. As a couple you may each have different preferences. Talk this out. It's YOUR sense of personal power and integrity that makes you feel good about sexual sharing. On the other hand, there's something called "stretching your comfort zone". Find the middle point and you'll be fine.
2/18/12 This morning I ran across something about switching genders and want to include it because it sheds light on the gay and lesbian issue. Kryon says (www.kryon.com) "You have been both genders. All of you have been between genders. All of you have been what I will call between genders, and that means that all of you have had gender switches. Do you know what happens when it's time for you to switch gender? You'll have dozens of lifetimes as the same gender. You're used to it. It's comfortable. You cannot conceive of being anything else, yet now it's time to change. It takes approximately three lifetimes for you to get used to it, and in those three lifetimes, you will have what I call gender confusion. That is absolutely normal, yet society often will see switching genders as abnormal. I am tell you you've all been through it. That's what old souls do. It's part of the system."
2/13/12 This is a long one today. Sorry for not getting back to this blog for a couple of weeks. I have been busy with a lot of emails now that we have two lifestyle projects going instead of one. I am screening for experienced couples for our private house parties, www.floridasilverfoxes.com, and also screening for beginning couples for Anakosha discussions, this site. Further, I am trying to reach women through heavy masculine filters and, boy, that's tough. It seems to be mostly men responding to both of these projects. It appears to me that it's men talking to men on the internet about this subject and the women are not being included. Then the men wonder (to me) why they can't get their wives interested. How about communication? Discussion? Talk? How about giving the little woman a voice? An ear? I realize there is a set direction to this conversation at home, if it's been addressed before, and it goes nowhere then if the same arguments are repeated. Then it's old news because nothing new ever gets added. They are both on different pages. That's precisely why Anakosha has started these lifestyle discussions and potlucks with other people. Get some new ideas on the subject. All the facts are not in yet.
It's funny. I have been called a feminist but only when I try to articulate women's needs in swinging. But I'm not a feminist, I'm simply feminine. I love men and want to connect with them. I DO connect with them. All the time. I don't hate men, as the word "feminist" might imply. But after many years of trying to explain feminine needs so that the opposite gender might understand what's missing, I am seen as a feminist taking sides. I have concluded it's not possible to change swingers after they have been in the lifestyle for years, but maybe - just maybe - I can provide some gentle hints to beginning couples who have an open mind.
There is a hidden agenda behind the Anakosha lifestyle discussions but it's all positive and helpful, I assure you. It's to facilitate a meeting of the opposite polarities. Discussions with others is healthy but women's FEELINGS have to be heard too. That's why we have these talks. Sex is from the male point of view, and love and intimacy is from the female's (feelings). There is a need for something "more" on both sides of the fence but the approach from one to the other is so foreign that the fence often becomes a brick wall. The lifestyle discussions are designed for couples who love each other but are bored with the routine and want something more or different. Because of the internet many are beginning to realize there's excitement outside of monogamy and you can keep your relationship too.
We've constructed the lifestyle discussions to be separate from the parties. There is no party. My husband and I now have swing parties on one night and a discussion on another night. New couples with no experience can't attend the parties. They need to either have experience somewhere else, or attend the Anakosha discussion first and then we'll see. Both woman and man need to attend the discussion together. The dark ages are over where the man goes out ahead of his mate and clears a path for her. They have to walk THIS path together. It's important they both talk and listen and come to understand together. The sweetness of sex is the spiritual nature of the orgasm. It's the big draw. It's something sacred, not dirty. Making love is what sex is all about. You literally make love happen by being affectionate to somebody and giving each other the warm ministrations the body craves. It is hungry for this closeness, and you can make love with different partners. You're not restricted to one partner for life. That's an old rule that's being thrown out the window today. It no longer works. See the statistics. Making love which ENDS in sex is a mutual sharing of appreciation, love and kindness. It's an inclusion. Why do people call it "down and dirty"? An orgasm carries you up into heavenly bliss. We say, "Oh God" upon arrival. It's only when people use sex for selfish or abusive ends that it becomes "down and dirty".
The orgasm is beautiful. Love-making is exquisite. Sex is wonderful. Women love it when they are included in the act and allowed to turn on and become aroused and not just used and abused for someone else's pleasure. Women want more love, not less. More romance, more kindness, more consideration, not more genital poking. They want more involvement so they too can turn on. They just won't say it. Don't expect them to say it. I am not a feminist. I am feminine and I speak out. Feminine people feel sensual all over, not just in the genitals which covers only about .1% of the body area. There is 99.9% more skin left to turn on. Use massage. We have nerve endings all over our skin, not just in that one tiny little spot. Husbands who think their wives are cold and not interested in sex haven't understood feminine nature. We get tired of being poked in the same spot over and over. It eventually dulls the area and it becomes numb. We begin rejecting it just to protect the sensitive skin. Until women become empowered and start speaking for themselves, women will continue to resist the rough treatment that numbs them down there. I have heard women say, "What? Go to a swing party and service MORE men? You've got to be kidding."
But it's all a misunderstanding. The two genders don't know each other. It's important to talk about this openly, in a group. We love our mates but we're bored with the sexual behavior that eventually becomes mechanical. We all want something refreshing and new. Different. Many couples stop having sex after years of living together. It becomes a hassle and a downer. But there is another way that provides a refreshing win-win solution that does not harm or destroy the relationship, but rather uplifts it and puts the spunk back into it. I heard a woman say she felt like her life was over at 44! I am 73 and feel as if I've just begun. It is the lifestyle that keeps me going and going. Not the sex, but the refreshing ideas from all the people I come in contact with. (OK, the sex too!) Relationships need to be protected. Each one has an extended family that goes on and on and out and out like a spider web of other people each of whom have different values. Protect the relationship. Divorces do too much damage. The lifestyle of swinging is a saving grace to relationships. It does take some adjustments on the part of both people, but it works. Many couples have found it to be their answer. Intimacy with others revives them.
Bottom line: for thousands of years women have understood the male nature and obliged it. It's time for men to understand the female nature AND oblige it. It's going to be challenging for the male. It's not what he THINKS women want. He'll have to listen well. But learning about feminine nature is the saving grace and the answer to the the world's problems. Empowered women are going to save the planet, as has been said by a number of masters recently. Further, there is a feminine side to men too. In all men there is a kind, gentle, sweet, huggable, slow-down-and-appreciate side. I encourage women to search for that in their men and activate it. When men learn to empower their woman they will empower themselves. It's going to be a miraculous dazzling show when that happens. Empowerment is not one-sided. It takes two to tango. One to lead and one to follow, and then switch. It's not a race or a competition but a mind meld, as in Star Trek.
2/1/12 Meeting online vs. meeting in person. We live in a mental world, not an emotional one. We live in a masculine world, not a feminine one. We are doing a terrible job of listening to our emotions and feelings. Life would be easier if we did. When it comes to finding compatible couples, or even singles seeking compatible dates, it was easier back in the '80s when we had to answer ads in contact magazines and arrange an in-person meeting. Today the temptation is too great to surf the net and see what's out there. Many people are substituting online chats for personal meetings. It's mostly mental. Our feelings are not invited to participate.
Time magazine recently had a cover story, "Is it cheating to have virtual sex?" The internet is invaluable in many ways but it doesn't take the place of face-to-face meetings because the feelings of gut, intuition and heart are absent. How can you possibly meet a compatible couple if all we are using physical measuring sticks? Anakosha is from the old school where you meet people in person and talk with them by looking into their eyes and feeling their emotional response and reading their body English and seeing how they respond to their partner (lovingly or hatefully?). You can't get that from an online chat.
Meet and Greets are nice for the experienced swinging couple, but they're not instructional. They don't help the beginner through the step-by-step process of unfolding into the lifestyle comfortably. Newbies need helping hands not just speed dating couples to choose from. It is so important to learn the rules of the road before you get into the drivers seat. The road ahead could be filled with hidden signs and detours. It is time to change venues and, instead of approaching the lifestyle from a mental perspective, engage the feeling channels. Daydream a little, zone out, activate your sixth sense. See if you can feel the love that is there.
The typical productive person's day usually revolves around a mental game plan. Their subtle emotions, perceptions, sixth sense observations are usually put on the back burner because the mental world demands a quick answer, NOW! And yet emotions are what drive us. Feelings and awarenesses, when not expressed, are buried and become subconscious memories. Our unconscious is filled with buried memories which are not dead at all, but seep out under pressure into our day-to-day thoughts and actions. And we wonder why we do the things we don't want to do! We are filled with powerful, underground forces that we have buried and forgotten, creating the law of attraction and repulsion. Those underlying feelings are the magnets that draw to us over and over what we are so afraid of -- because we are mental people. We don't deal with our emotions well at all. Anakosha is of the old school. She is saying, "Stop burying your feelings! Express them. Speak them. Say the words out loud. You'll feel so much better if you do!" We think we're above it, but we're really the victims of our own creation. As long as we surf the net looking for dates we probably won't find them because our emotional responses are not being utilized. Go instead to a gathering of couples who are present to meet YOU. Couples in the lifestyle want to meet face to face. There is no pressure to do anything on first meetings. It's merely a chance to look, listen, see, evaluate and FEEL each other out.
1/31/12 Two couples have so far committed to attending the March 3rd lifestyle discussion and potluck. Others have expressed interest but haven't committed yet. One couple yesterday found it intriguing and would like to attend but they wanted to know how many had signed up first. Didn't want to attend if nobody else was here. But we won't really know until March 3rd how many are coming, because that's the way it has been for 30 years whenever we held a lifestyle seminar or orientation. Couples are unsure about taking this bold step. It's scary! Thoughts like, "What are we getting ourselves into?" That sort of thinking. Every relationship has a comfort zone, just like an individual. They have spent years working it out so they understand each other. Each relationship is beautifully unique. It's a third person living in the home. Two individuals living together, over time create a workable weave that serves them and their needs. But now, considering sex, love, and intimacy with strangers? It's pretty radical. It could change things dramatically. Do they really want to do this? So there are some pretty heavy discussions going on. They need to talk about it and sleep on it. Their relationship is a joint construct. It's different from each of them as individuals. Individually they could decide yes or no for themselves, but there is more at stake. This is bigger. They have to consider more than themselves. And so it is the relationship - the third party in the home - that needs to decide if "it" will attend this lifestyle discussion. It takes awhile. I expected it. Promotion will continue. I'm writing blogs and newsletters. People are responding. It's a new way of looking at sex and swinging. I hope you will consider coming to the March 3rd discussion and potluck. You will meet some other couples. How many, I can't say. But consider it an evening of entertainment and dinner and talk about things you can't talk about in other places. It won't be heavy, it'll be fun and light-hearted. It won't change you overnight. You'll go back home to think about it some more.
1/30/12 Today I had a request from a “married single” to attend a lifestyle event. A married single is what we call a man who attends lifestyle parties without his wife or girlfriend. He is usually cheating, although some men have received permission from the wife to do this. Most married singles report that their wife is too conservative and "would never....". There are quite a few "married singles" in the lifestyle but we don't want them in Anakosha. Not because they are not nice people - they usually are - but we don't want to encourage dishonesty or cheating. I wrote the married single man that there is another way for him to approach the lifestyle - by talking with his wife about Anakosha.
Anakosha has designed a unique, very toned-down, discussion on the subject for the sake of women who are stuck in the old paradigm of being a good wife and mother and "would never...." It's a place to start. At least the discussion opens the door to let in some light on the subject. It has been designed for women in that we talk about feelings. Men don't like to talk about feelings but women need to. It's important for them. If a husband is going outside of the marriage to find fulfillment and joy and leaving her home alone, she feels it on a subconscious level. It's not healthy for her to repress those feelings. He may THINK she doesn't know, or THINK she is not ready for this, but it makes me wonder if it's not HIM who is not ready to see her become intimate with someone else. I have asked those married singles and their answer is always, "No, she would never...." I don't know if he thinks he is protecting her or what, but he is actually undermining her. Whatever the reason he is cheating on her, it's a coward's way out. Unless they have already had the discussion and reached a mutual agreement to go out separately.
The lifestyle is meant for couples. Dating is for singles. The lifestyle was invented so couples didn't have to cheat. When two people commit to a relationship, they commit to growing up together and having adventures together and making changes together. Sometimes they have to have the tough-love talk and rearrange their reality so it fits the new paradigm. We all change over time as we mature. The lifestyle is one of the greatest self-discovery adventures of all times. It has to do with sex, love and intimacy, which grows over time. Then why would a man want to leave his wife out of it? Why would he want to grow in sex, love and intimacy without her? Women are the masters of sex, love and intimacy. Or maybe it's the woman who wants to explore it without her husband. Maybe she is the one who is leaving him out of it and pretending he wouldn't be interested. But men have feelings too. We all have needs for love.
If sexual intimacy has become boring at home for one, then it's probably boring at home for the other one, too. It's time to talk. There is a solution. Take it to the negotiation table. Anakosha's advice is to open the discussion and let in some fresh air. It'll be a relief. There is no more stimulating subject than sex to talk about. It is difficult to start but if you move it into happy joking, you will see how contagious sex talk can be, especially with some creative visualization. What do you want to see happen? What are you afraid will happen? Ask. Don't assume. And be prepared for some positive answers.
The lifestyle is wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-y overpopulated by single men. There just aren't enough women to service them all. Very few women want to take on the football team - meaning single guys who want casual sex without any responsibility. And if the single men are married, it's offensive to us. Where is the wife? Sex is a two-way street. The bottom line is, respect the relationship. Be honest about it. The Anakosha approach is to encourage honesty andintegrity between the primary couple. That's where true freedom and sexual fulfillment is found.
1/27/12 Someone recently wrote to Anakosha seeking something but not too sure what he was looking for. He finally said he was not really a swinger, he just wanted to meet someone to hang out with and go for walks with. I had to tell him that Anakosha is not the right venue for him. Anakosha is firmly anchored in swinging. So, what is swinging? Swinging is an effort to expand heart, mind and emotions outside the box of one-on-one monogamy. Swinging is not dating, one-on-one. Nor is it cheating - substituting a wife or husband for someone else but still remaining inside the closed and locked bedroom in a one-on-one situation. Swinging is a support group for people who are trying to expand and understand their sexuality by including others on whatever level they choose. A single person looking for a date is not a swinger unless of course they want to be intimate with several people all at the same time. Then you could say he or she is "swinging". Swingers have had to go through an attitude adjustment. They have had to stretch themselves past the psychological barriers that keep monogamy safe. They have dared to climb the wall and escape. They are having adventures. They are experiencing freedom from chains. And they are learning a whole new code of ethics and responsibility because otherwise it wouldn't work. Swingers are learning not to be possessive. They are learning how to share. They are learning how to be honest and finding relief in that. They are not cheaters. I just wanted to clear this point up. Thanks to J who stimulated this blog.
1/26/12 Diana has started a newsletter - click the green link on the home page - probably posted weekly. In this newsletter we are focusing on the divine feminine, next we'll focus on the divine masculine. Don't let that "divine" scare you. It's very, very human. We'll talk about it. This is a great subject. Don't miss out.
1/17/12 When you get together with another couple or attend a gathering of lifestyle couples, don't fall into the giddy, excitable mode. You want to be fully present. Remain grounded and focus on one person at a time. Be a good listener so you can give them a sense of "presence". This is what everybody likes. Then you can give appropriate responses. There is a tendency in a lifestyle party or gathering to get wild. It's the nervous energy in the air. Don't contribute to that. Stay calm. In that way, you will attract people to your calmness. You will be like a safe haven in the chaos. When people give in to the wild and crazy scene, they are not fully present. Their eyes wander. They don't focus. They see the glitter and sparkle but not the real person standing in front of them trying to talk. Notice this next time, how you are drawn to the calm person and wonder about them while everyone else is a'twitter, loud and flighty. Connection is impossible then and conversations degrade or hang in mid-air. Practice being fully present at lifestyle gatherings, even quiet and peaceful, and you will build a "presence" around yourself. People will notice you and raise you in esteem and reputation. Practice consciousness training. Connecting intimately with another couple or single starts with a calm mental focus and communication and grows from there. As you start meeting other couples or singles in the lifestyle, it is not speed dating but consciousness training. Calmness and focus is required. Women like a man who is focusing on her, and is steady, strong and grounded - and a good listener. He will find himself being attractive to women.
1/16/12 Syour reservation in for the Lifestyle Discussion on March 3, 2012 from 7 to 11 pm. Sign up on the Membership page. And now, thought for the day: When I massaged a client this morning it struck me with great insight that the cells in this body were composed of love. The muscles, tissues, organs, blood, everything in that physical body was love in condensed form. Normally we don't feel very loving because in our normal day-to-day the love is stationary. Not moving. We were born to be stationary, something concrete and physical. We were born separate and raised to believe we are separate from everyone else. We have layers of restrictions covering our loving nature - many "should nots", no-no's, taboos and pressure to conform to the way of others. But when we start touching one another in the privacy of quiet massage, and we start rubbing one another in loving, caring touch, the love in us starts moving. We start feeling love. We are already love. Everything is love. We've just shut it all down and do not use it. What you don't use you lose. But the love doesn't go away. It's just sitting there, stagnant, like a rock in the field. But start rubbing in a caring way, or simply touching in a subtle gentle way, and notice the movement. It's an arousal. Massage is the nicest thing you can do for your lover to give them a warm feeling. It's not sexual at first. Don't turn it sexual right away. Allow the love to move. It can turn sexual later - and will, naturally - but at first let the person feel the love moving.
1/9/12 Reminding you there's a Lifestyle discussion March 3, 2012. And now today's thoughts: The world is changing and our belief systems are transforming. We are growing larger than what we grew up believing. We are moving out of the box of the past traditions and swinging is a prime example. The word "swinging" is just a label applied to a new reality emerging which is allowing more love and intimacy between people. It's a new freedom which respects that each person has a right to reach out to touch and explore what is natural. A couple has a hard time with this because couples used to own each other. It was a possessive thing. But that is changing - couples have an opportunity to enrich their relationship by loving more people. It breaks the feelings of being stifled and held back. They don't have to break up. This movement is seeping quietly into our lives from an invisible place. We didn't notice it before, but now suddenly, here it is, right in front of your nose. More and more couples are exploring swinging. If you are being urged to look into the lifestyle, Anakosha is a gentle portal to learn more. There's an innate urge to love and touch other people but it's a mistake to restrict it to "sex". It's much more than that. Sex is a focus that draws us, but there's a right way to approach this lifestyle and a wrong way. It's a respectful movement, not a selfish "gimme" free-for-all. It is important to learn the code of behavior to feel comfortable with yourself and accepted by others.
1/7/12 The first lifestyle discussion in Naples will be on Sat., March 3, 2012. It runs from 7 to 11 pm. It's for couples only (or friend pairs). To attend, you both must fill out the form on the Membership page and pay $20 per person. This is your annual dues in Anakosha. It's how we earn money to keep it going. The discussion is only $10 couple plus a dish. I was asked yesterday if we ever gave private discussions for, say, two or three couples. They were intimidated by thoughts of a large group. It's a good question, but no, we don't. And the group is not that large. It's natural to be nervous because your mind starts imagining all sorts of weird things happening. But let me assure you that this lifestyle discussion is normal. It's about as straight as you can get. It's fully clothed, and the focus is mental, not sexual. It's like a class in a university for purposes of learning and understanding how the lifestyle works. There is a potluck for good reason. First, it'll be 4 hours and we'll be hungry. Plus eating soothes the jangled nerves better than drugs, which are illegal and not allowed here. Neither is heavy drinking. I don't know any other place where you can learn about the lifestyle without someone pressuring you to get naked and go to bed. Which is why we're doing this. There's no sex. It's not a party. This is a beginning step where you can meet others who are also new at this. Parties form naturally after you've met some people with whom you'd like to take it further. It could be just one other couple, or maybe a third person for a threesome. Or it could be a multi-couple party. Don't rush it. Take it slow. Become familiar with it - and comfortable with the people.
12/26/11 We have a calendar of dates for the lifestyle discussions. See discussion & potlucks.
12/22/11 no dates have been scheduled. Please check back. Promotion starts in 2012. Meanwhile, thought for the day:
__________________________________
12/22/11 - Chakras are portals through which your spirit enters your dense physical body. Spirit is pure like liquid diamond light, but when it enters the body it is usually degraded by a person's thoughts and actions. Most people reduce their spiritual energy by being critical, judgmental, selfish or otherwise. When you have sex, hold gracious uplifting thoughts to uplift the other person and yourself. Otherwise, your belly button, which is your second chakra, is wide open and sucking inward from the other person. When you were an embryo in your mother's womb you drew nutrition from her through the umbilical cord and by default this portal into your sacred inner body may still be sucking in unless you have consciously closed it. The naval chakra is your emotional chakra, the second chakra of seven. If you have sudden crazy thoughts, or sudden sadness, or sudden anger, they may be coming from outside of you. During sex, especially in the missionary position where belly buttons rub together, it is important to radiate beautiful uplifting thoughts of a loving nature. When you hold thoughts of love and joy, negatives can't get in because you're consciously pushing out love and light. Love doesn't attach. Loving others is not a problem. It's the emotional attachments that cause the problems.
2/1/11 When you open your relationship to include others intimately, it's really important to set boundaries. It's a huge asset to be able to say No if that's what you honestly feel, rather than saying Yes because you feel obligated. As a couple you may each have different preferences. Talk this out. It's YOUR sense of personal power and integrity that makes you feel good about sexual sharing. On the other hand, there's something called "stretching your comfort zone". Find the middle point and you'll be fine.
