Integrating the divine feminine and divine masculine - the heart is the new base line
Intro: These are some of my journal entries written over the last 40 years. Mostly from '70's and '80's but also some recent ones. They are not in order of date. I am randomly reliving and reconnecting with the wisdoms I received during the time that kundalini was most active. It is such a powerful energy and so little is known about it. Hopefully these will help in understanding. The latest posting is on top. Many people are experiencing the kundalini energy, the "born again" energy. I had no teacher when it came to me so gently and unexpectedly one day in April 1976 (story here) and so I wrote about it. Keeping a journal helped me from going crazy. I was my own best friend. My mentors and guides were and still are invisible. I look to them for guidance and they give it to me. I didn't have a guru or spiritual teacher. And something else helped me to stabilize and ground this extraordinary power to keep me sane, and that was through sex. My second husband had awakened me sexually, lovingly, and kundalini awakened me to unconditional love. With these two combined forces we began expanded to include other couples into our intimate lives. We became swingers! This huge unbounded, unlimited love funneled downward into physical love and grounded me to the earth. I have subsequently learned that this is not an uncommon practice, but rare. The sex force IS the love force. We just have to know how to balance it with love. Sexuality plays an intricate part in spiritual transformation. But a warning note is necessary, it has to be love, not lust that drives it.
Hindsight tells me, 40 years later, that humankind's spiritual transformation is a process of expanding love , not just upward into spirit, but downward into all aspects of life. Into the physical, emotional and mental life My experiences have nourished me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I see all people through the eyes and senses of love. My kundalini experiences were the wildest and most intense during the first 5 years, which started in Costa Rica, Central America. They were less intense over the next 5 years, when we moved to Florida and began our swinging career. And they have been less intense and more normal ever since. Today, 40 years later, I look around and see so many people talking about what I have already successfully processed and remain on the ground, serene and happy and in an amazing relationship with my husband.
I believe that the ultimate spiritual life is not about leaving the body in an eagerness to escape, but in entering more fully into the physical body and embracing the wholeness and naturalness of ones body, self and world. In so doing one brings love into everything and everyone touched. To love life on earth is the ultimate spiritual experience. It makes you want to interact freely with everyone, not just one person but everyone. The important ingredient, however, is unconditional love, not personal love, meaning leave your expectations behind and do not project your needs, wants, desires and anguish onto others. Be in love with SELF first, transform SELF first, and then enjoy the love that flows forth from within. With love, Diana
Hindsight tells me, 40 years later, that humankind's spiritual transformation is a process of expanding love , not just upward into spirit, but downward into all aspects of life. Into the physical, emotional and mental life My experiences have nourished me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I see all people through the eyes and senses of love. My kundalini experiences were the wildest and most intense during the first 5 years, which started in Costa Rica, Central America. They were less intense over the next 5 years, when we moved to Florida and began our swinging career. And they have been less intense and more normal ever since. Today, 40 years later, I look around and see so many people talking about what I have already successfully processed and remain on the ground, serene and happy and in an amazing relationship with my husband.
I believe that the ultimate spiritual life is not about leaving the body in an eagerness to escape, but in entering more fully into the physical body and embracing the wholeness and naturalness of ones body, self and world. In so doing one brings love into everything and everyone touched. To love life on earth is the ultimate spiritual experience. It makes you want to interact freely with everyone, not just one person but everyone. The important ingredient, however, is unconditional love, not personal love, meaning leave your expectations behind and do not project your needs, wants, desires and anguish onto others. Be in love with SELF first, transform SELF first, and then enjoy the love that flows forth from within. With love, Diana
September 7, 1982
The vision is coming to me right now in the form of revelation - there is no picture except for my normal imagination. The knowledge is being impressed on me. I feel it pressing in, as though stamping itself - its SELF - on my being. As though I were a piece of clay coming in contact with an electronic vibration. As though I were a tape being recorded. The dream is descending from a higher realm - or as I suspect - we are moving upward, expanding outward, into that higher realm. This is the land where dreams are born, are nurtured - carefully by very wise ones, not by just one wise one, but many. Many. Many exquisite minds with a single thought. I feel their presence. They have spoken the word and created the dream, and it descends. It is a prophecy. It is a thing that will be sometime in the future. I understand how dreams are made. I understand how prophecy is read. I understand that there is no future, but only now. The future is now, but higher up, as the rain that has not yet fallen still exists higher up inside the clouds. It has yet to descend. There is only now. Only this very moment. The center is very modern and sophisticated, very elegant. It is a community and a university with no walls, no ceilings. Its girders are made of qualities like truth, nobility, love, courage. There are no teachers and no students. Everyone is a teacher and everyone a student. They are sharing themselves openly, with love and joy, what they know, where they've been and what they've learned. There is a sense of celebration and homecoming.
June 12, 1982
I woke this morning to a world of brilliance - it was but a flash, but it was a flash of extraordinary light and power, as though sunlight had exploded simultaneously in every pore of my being from head to toe and charged every atom of my body with light. An immense joy flooded my whole being, filled my soul from within and spilled over into my conscious mind. It was a radiation of intense happiness, light, and the most profound sense of freedom. I was momentarily back home and I was free. But, apparently my consciousness could not sustain that kind of enlightenment for it passed quickly and I was once more in my bedroom beside Bob.
June 13, 1982
I woke this morning to a sense of spatialness - no light - just spatialness, as though the walls of my mind had melted away. I sensed myself wider, deeper and more a part of everything. i was more at one with life - life as a spacious, moving living force like a sea, and I was part of that great livingness that activates the forms. I was aware of my inner eye. I was awake and had my eyes open, and I knew that I was seeing this, sensing this, with the faculty of the inner eye. I sensed the underlying strength and power of this great force and the sensitivity of it - the love - it breathes its love and I sensed the wideness of it, the depth and the breadth of it. I felt closer to Bob and as I looked at him I realized that I had become narrow over the past weeks and mechanical in my contact with him. I reached over and hugged him and felt closer than I have felt in many weeks and we made love even as I was aware of the spatial quality - and I knew I was alone in this.
June 15, 1982
I woke this morning to the vivid and spatial world of love. There was no question that it was love, although I myself had to interpret the word from out of the feelings that were pouring through me. Again, with an inner sense impossible to describe I was aware and I could see many, many rays of light pouring downward. They were in the colors of rose, pink, soft white, mauve -- many hues, variations of these colors, all pouring downward. And they were soft, soft, wide, deep, endless, and the sense of infinity was there. I was seeing this through the inner sense and it was only barely touching me, for I felt the love beginning to spread through me. There was such caring and compassion and warm home-coming feelings - but it did not last. My consciousness is not able to sustain these intensities, I imagine. And as the vision faded there was suddenly the dark silhouette of the phoenix bird, with two wings outspread transposed over the brightness. And then it faded.
June 16, 1982
We're having a couple over tonight for the first time. We've never met them before. We know they are 25 and 50 but that's all. I have impressions of them, a sense of what they are like, each one. I am going to write my impressions before I meet them to measure the correctness of my inner sense. The woman I sense, has sandy colored, almost mousey colored hair, shoulder length. Her features are plain but attractive. She is average height, 5'6" and 120 pounds. She is intelligent and has a lot of confidence in herself. She feels secure in her relationship, perhaps a little flippant about it. I detect an attitude that borders on jealousy, but leans more toward intellectual interest in other women, to compare herself. She is secure. I detect him to be thin, good build, white or blond or platinum hair. He is quiet with a soft personality, and a deep thinker. He does not speak a lot.
June 17, 1982
After reading yesterday's analysis of G and C I find that I was fairly correct. The only differences are as follows: She is 5'7" and 140 pounds and his hair is dark turning gray. Personalities fit. She did get jealous toward the end of the evening. he was loose and happy. As I was making love with him last night, I saw his inner light - a radiant whiteness, sparkling like a star, but it was far removed from his outer life. I saw the human shroud holding it back, deep, deep inside, as though far away, while the human thoughts, feelings, desires, beliefs - were dark, very dark, almost black around him.
June 18, 1982
This morning as I lay in bed awake, waiting for Bob to wake, there came a sense of light flooding into me. I saw it with that peculiar sense that dawns in the inner mind no matter whether the eyes are open or closed. I saw a steady stream of little sparkling golden balls, almost solid they appeared, moving into me, rolling into me and settling along my back as I lay prone upon the bed, then steadily, as more filed in, slowly rising and disbursing through the rest of me. At the same instant a crystal clearness filled my mind as though I were suddenly clear of the maze and filled with a powerful will to accomplish my purpose. No particular purpose was apparent, only that I could accomplish anything that I set my mind to, that I had the power or rather, I WAS the power to accomplish. I was filled with a will to do and I knew that nothing could ever hold me back - further, I was in love with life, eager to do, to express, singularly pure and unadulterated. And then it passed. later, looking at a picture in the National Geographic over breakfast, I was overwhelmed with this same feeling of crystal clarity of purpose. This, I suppose, is in answer to my question: "What does the throat chakra feel like when it's open?" which I have been asking in my meditations. I Note that my morning experiences lately are correlated to my daily meditations, which I have become serious about only since two weeks ago.
July 9, 1982I began my movements today with the ballet stance. First I propped the heel of the left foot up on the table in the meditation room, then I bent over to touch the toes. First with one hand counting to ten, then with the other hand counting to ten. Every day now for two weeks I've been doing this as part of a routine of exercises and I follow carefully what is written down on the piece of paper in front of me. It is the first time that I have followed a disciplined program that lasted longer than four days. The last time I made this attempt I succeeded in completing three days before the movements caught me up and tempted me away from my ritual.
I finished the ballet stance, put both feet on the floor and relaxed into a deep low bow all the way down to the floor and felt the familiar flow of the nectar inside. Every time I do the ballet stance, this happens. There is an almost magical release of mild ecstasy that seems to spring up spontaneously in every part of me, no one spot in particular but since I have been struggling to put some discipline into my life, to ground my self, I stopped the movement quickly before the meandering currents of euphoria began to lift me upwards on clouds of bliss.
There are two selves in me, one tries too hard and swims upstream against the current. The other observes, doesn't move, is content to float down stream with the tide. When the outer self lies down, the inner self wakes up and takes over. When I finally surrender myself, I am transformed almost instantly. Life blossoms into a transparent colorful miracle and joy and happiness flow without ceasing. But I am trying to discipline myself because that is what people are supposed to do. And my new regimen has done wonders for my sense of order and control. I am more in the world today and feel a more useful part of the system than I have ever been. And I have quite successfully ignored the tugging from within.
A night of happy lovemaking still stirred in my memory and in my body too, and I felt good with myself. But I was a bit too confident for suddenly my knees buckled under me and I melted into a contented springy little bounce on legs that felt like feathers and the euphoric energy began to move in spite of my determination at control. When I felt the heaviness of my body lifting from me and a lightness taking its place, I made a sudden, irrational decision to abandon the program today and go with the flow within. My will, softened from the sexual release this morning, surrendered without a fight and my two-week long planned exercise program sizzled out in abject failure.
I must say, I am highly suspicious of sexual love. That is, SOME sexual love, for it does not happen all of the time. There is an extraordinary number of mornings after when, during my meditations the movements are already awake, powerfully close and breathing ecstasy into me and brings me close into my heart even before I begin. And it laughs at my weak attempts at control. The lovely essence swoops me off my feet in a peculiar rising wind and totally ignores my mild protestations that I need to control it. And so it was this morning.
But, I resigned myself to it with love. Who of normal human weakness could resist such rapture? Is this not what all human beings seek? And no sooner did I agree to go with it, and turned around to shift my footing, when suddenly I felt softer, more subtle and oddly enough as though I had taken a step outside of myself, backwards and beyond, into a broad spatial expanse of a totally different region. I am sure that it was at this point that the outer self laid down, willingly, for there was a distinct movement from one point of perspective to another. And immediately a murmuring of devotion began in my conscious mind all by itself, as though someone else were speaking for me.
"I am the light," it began. "I am the light!" which was rather surprising to hear. I have heard this echo before on occasion during my meditations and oddly enough at times in the busy presence of others. But every time it happens I am totally surprised, as if someone has tapped me on the shoulder, yet when I turn around no one is there.
"I am the light." I am the light. I am the light. I serve the light. I see the light. I know the light. I am the light. I see the light. I serve the light. I walk in the light. I live in the light. I am the light. I speak the light. I live the light. I move in the light. I think the light. I see the light. I radiate the light. I am the light. I am the light. I am the light...."
The words seemed to move in rhythm with my body which was now undulating in a firm and solid slow dance. They sang on automatically, silent words ringing back and forth across my conscious mind, close within, nearby, while I slowly, ever so slowly, turned from my waist in the pattern of a Thailanese dancer, the familiar patterns I have been doing for over five years. I could feel the subtle wind in my fingers and arms, and they flowed together, apart, together, apart, together, up and down, slowly distinctly, as if following a harmony invisible to me. I have seen it a thousand times yet it is ever new. The rising softness stole through me and touched every cell awake and I seemed to be swimming in liquid euphoria. Ever so gently it rose, ever so naturally I moved, spontaneously and I exerted not an ounce of control. Only willingness to be so used. Totally at peace with myself, my mind was quiet and the words rang out....
"I am the light. I serve the light. I feel the light. I see the light..." and I did not initiate the words. They sprang into my awareness from somewhere deep and I was in accord with them. There was a high level of alertness to my mind, in a state of expectancy and wonder, tinged with devotion and I was in awe of this thing. How can it be that the world does not know of this phenomenon that occurs in me? I have never met anyone who knows what I am speaking of! Am I so rare? Miracle of miracles - there is a miracle that lives in me and no one knows. What is this thing?
As I raised my left foot I felt the energy ripple upwards through my waist, through the muscles into my shoulder, bringing my upper body to life, down and out my arm through my fingers. My thumbs and forefingers made a circle, my left hand bent and turned and pressed itself against my chest in the ancient symbol of the Buddha and his consorts. What is this thing? What is its meaning? Alertness crackled through meas if to say, "I know what I am doing, do not ask foolish questions!" And the movements continued on, my conscious mind following passively watching. My head bowed downward and upward as energy swirled in my brain making me light headed with a slight pressure at the crown.
My left foot slowly descended, critically testing the muscle capacity and planted itself firmly upon the floor in a precise position with the toes turned outward.. There was a flow from the floor a connection with the floor before the right leg and foot rose slowly in perfect balance, as if connected to a long line to the top of my head and the current flowed, poured down my right arm, doing its own motion separate from the other, and washed out my fingers, and these too made a circle of thumb and forefinger. The dance continued as the words flowed on, springing into my mind like a never-ending fountain...
"I am the light. I am the light. I am the light. I am the light. I serve the light. I love the light. I am the light. I love the light. I serve the light. I serve the light. I serve the light," and emotion rose in me. I really wanted to serve the light. I did not understand but I willed myself to it and desired to be part of it. I could feel the desire. I felt clean and whole, pure and fresh, and I knew that whatever this energy touched it would wash it clean instantly. I wanted to help and to be used by the energy and the love. The emotion began to ripple through me and grow larger and larger. Until now, I was unemotional, floating in an impersonal feeling of euphoria, of bliss. Now there was a tender love, a desire to give and to caress and to lift up, and it began to pour out of me and as it poured out of me it was replaced by a deepening sense of awe and wonder and a deeper desire to give of myself. And I wondered - oh, how I wondered what this thing was and I asked, "Who are you, my Lord?"
Now, I must tell you that I am not a religious person in the sense of a formal religion. I do not go to church and I do not follow any religious ceremony. I cannot even follow my own program of meditation properly, never mind someone else's ritual. But this that lives in my body and mind is something beyond me and I am in awe of it. Although it has no identity, no name and I do not know what it is it is pure and exhilarating. I trust its intentions completely. As if in answer to the question, the words continued to ring out with the clear tones of a crystal bell:
"I am you and you are me. I am the stars. I am the sun. I am the earth. I am the soil. I am the worm. I am the plant. I am the bee. I am the bird, I am the tree, I am the moon, I am the sea, I am the sand, I am the night, I am the day, I am life, I am death...."
My body movements seemed to draw new life with each new word. Freshness poured into me as the words continued and I watched. i could feel the touch of the stars, the plant, the worm, the soil, the moon, the tree as these things, one by one, brushed across my consciousness. The words were clear: "I am the fish. I am the water. I am the thunder, I am the lightning, I am the rain, I am the rainbow," and I was indeed each of these in turn at that moment of time that the words was pronounced and as I swam in a heady sea of conscious delight - a consciousness that seemed to have no limits nor division but an endless sea of something indescribable, my heart was overflowing with a love that was at the same time, both natural and unnatural. Unnatural in that it was so intense, so pure, so completely happy and I was full of devotion. My body danced in harmony with each attribute of nature - as the rain passed into my conscious mind, my body reflected the rain. My fingers soared and trembled and flickered as they moved downward and I became the rain. At the thought of the sun, there was a bursting outward of all things, and a radiation upon my face. Though I could not see my own face with my physical eyes, I could see in a way that I cannot describe, and for one brief moment I became the sun. I thought of the Hawaiian legends and the dancers and suddenly I knew how those legendary dances were born. My mind jumped to Thailand and the picture of the temple engravings on ancient stone walls and I knew the inspiration came from. i knew so much and I saw the statues of the Hindu gods and goddesses immortalized in bronze, jade and gold, dancing for the glory of the greatest deity of all - that which has no name but which pervades all things and gives life, joy and intelligence and knowledge.
The words continued. "I am the past. I am the present. I am the future...." and for one brief moment I seemed to be able to see across the whole of eternity as the walls of my mind ceased to exist in a flash of realization. I saw that these three do not exist separately but are tied together in an infinite sea of living consciousness, supported by love.
The words bubbled on. "I am the poor, I am the rich, I am the wise, I am the stupid, I am the ugly, I am the beautiful, I am the evil, I am the good, I am the lame, I am the blind, I am the healthy, I am the humble, I am the proud, I am the weak, I am the strong, I am the low, I am the high. I am the man, I am the woman, I am the child. I am you and you are me...."
The words flowed like pure water out of an underground spring in the side of the mountain glistening with purity. Each word sprang forth alone and I neither controlled it nor saw it coming. it was there as it appeared and then it vanished as the next word arrived. In my awe I accepted it and allowed it to exist and finally my love could bear it no longer and I offered myself passionately. I responded, "I am your fingers. I am your hands. I am your eyes -- use me, my Lord. I am your tongue, I am your ears, I am your feet, I am your sexual organs, I am your legs, I am your body...."
Suddenly, I realized what I was saying, "I am the light. I am the body of the light. I am the temple of the light. I am body consciousness in this world - that's all I am. But I am cosmic consciousness in reality, beyond. I am the temple of the light. I am the tool, the instrument of life, and I was struck as if by lightening for I knew. Suddenly I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what and who I am.
I cannot express the depth of that realization. All I can say is that I knew for the space of several moments, a remarkable truth of what I really am and how it works. For that short period of time the grandeur was overwhelming. All thought stopped. All movement stopped. I knelt down on the carpet and quivered and shook with the power of that realization. Tears ran freely and unashamedly down my cheeks, for I could not contain it. The glory that I saw. I knew that it could not last. My mind is not big enough to hold it, and that thought began to close the door on the magnificence. Only the memory remained of an immense spatial consciousness of joy, of exhilaration, of being alive, of being - oh, where are the words? That I was part of a teeming oneness of love so pure, so indescribably pure and happy and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is the real nature of life that mankind will eventually, one by one, evolve to, and I was given just a tiny little glimpse.
For a long time I knelt there remembering, and I could hear Bob talking on the telephone outside in the office. This is why each time I undertake a controlled exercise program, I fail. I have a serious problem from the standpoint of the world: I want to go with the wind in me. I don't want to control my life. This wind that draws me, pulls me like a magnet to yield to it. There is something already exercising in me that knows better than I which muscles to use, that is wiser than I, that is more intelligent than I, is sweeter, better, more abundant than I. It is richer, more perceptive, more powerful, more caring, more sure, more complete, than I, that is happier, healthier, more whole that has more mercy, more love than I. Who am I to control that?
September 18, 2006
This past weekend we had the Inspirations Convention, a swing convention, for four days. Today I spent 4 hours in the meditation room. Lots of toning and regular yoga. I saw this toward the end: Teach them to tone. Whatever syllables come to mind, and sing song in private. A vibration. English words have vibrations from the many people using them over and over. To break the energy patterns hard-wired into body, use nonsensical words, they don’t mean anything. Allow your body to give the words whatever it feels like. Use with play and with loving reverence for the divine. Play with toning. It will help your body release.
Most religions formed around the crown chakra. In trying to reach God, to lift themselves up above the human conditions, they accessed the pure and beautiful energy of the crown chakra. It’s very pure, very holy, but it is the energy of only the crown. In trying to bring that pure holy of holies energy down into human body and human activity, the other chakras are needed in order to step down the pure and holy. So it is modified to fit the dense physical world. Each chakras is like an ambassador sent out from the king of a certain land. The king says, “Take my sacred light down to the people. Establish an outpost for me. Prepare the people (cells of the body) to receive me because one day I will come. But if they don’t know me or my vibration or color or what I look like, they won’t respect me or notice me. So go. Take my light, for you know me. You are part of me. Prepare this body of individuals (cells) to think of me. Teach them my laws. What is important to me. I will be able to give them more when they think of me. Then I can pour out my abundance onto them. So they must be told about me.”
This could be the story of all of the chakras, but let’s say it’s the story of the base chakra. There is a beautiful light down at the base of the spine. I have seen it and I have felt it. You have felt it because that is what radiates when we physically and sexually turn on. It is the densest chakra of all the chakras. Gravity has pulled everything down so there is a dense physicality to the chakra. Gravity condenses it heavily, more so than, say, the heart chakra. Sensitive people can feel the heart chakra energy when it glows, but not everyone.
I am seeing humans, little humans, big humans, average humans, all looking up to the sun. I see these humans all around the planet, everywhere there’s land, and their faces remind me of sunflowers in that they are happy and smiling, full of joy and gladness. They recognize the sun above for being their father, their parent who gives them life and they honor the sun. They open themselves to the spark of vitality from Home and it is warm and good as it shines down over them. I see their feet have roots growing down into the earth. Their feet and lower legs are darkening and disappear into the earth as if they are part of the earth itself. The humans are sprouting and growing out of the earth, each individually. I see the earth as a ball in the heavens along with other planets. And I am now closer to earth so I can see the individuals growing up out of the soil. The roots go all the way down to the center of earth to draw up the energy of the mother.
The mother’s energy is the same as the father’s energy, the sun. But because the mother is the feminine aspect and birther of physical forms, it had to take on a physical form herself. So the mother has many earth names - Goddess, Gaia. But the goddess has been forgotten as we look up too much and too long, instead of down. God is buried in the heart of earth as a woman! She is Shekinah, God in feminine form. She is God incarnate as a woman. She is Shakti in India. But the name is not important. There are thousands of names for the goddess. That piece of God or All That Is that became separate in order to create planet earth and provide substance, soil, elements, minerals, to build forms for the species coming to live and experiment upon the earth.
The vision I saw was that of people who had their feet planted firmly on the ground, drawing sustenance, inspiration, love, courage, truth, all the solid qualities that we admire in human beings. These come from the mother, not the father, because the father is formless, one sea of consciousness. It does not have form. But the mother is the father made physical with a form. She is God incarnate. She is therefore named feminine. She is teacher, parent, guidance counselor, the one who takes the pure light of divine energy and makes it available to humans by burying it into the soil, water and organic cells that create bodies. Goddess is the supreme being inside a form. We have been led to believe God was only “up there”. And while it’s true God is “up there”, he’s also down here inside the earth and the people and the animals, rocks, trees, and all physical objects. He is no longer He, but a she and she loves all her beings who dwell upon her.
All beings are composed of her for they are immortal pieces of God, created so that God can enter and become physical and dwell upon earth. Visiting spirits from far away may become birthed upon Earth, and what a blessing this is to have very enlightened beings, gods and goddesses from far away come to earth and look just like us. But we forget, in our religious zeal and spiritual meditations, that God the mother is right here below our feet, in the trees in our back yard, in the man-made objects created out of soil and minerals. These that we see with our physical senses is God made flesh and blood. This pen, this chair, this house. The masculine inspires the breath of life from the sea of oneness. The feminine takes that spark of vitality and creates living forms with it. The masculine does not create, but inspires us. The sun represents the life of the father. They are two aspects of the sea of oneness. When they join back together again they are neither male nor female, but one again within a state of oneness and bliss. An unbroken, formless, eternal infinite state of being which we know as rapture or ecstasy.
While we are in a physical body, it behooves us to acknowledge our physical body and the divine spirit within it. As long as we are in a body our objective is to become wholly human, not partially human with dreamy eyes on distant stars far away. Our goal is to bring the light of ourselves down into physical solid expression. We have been diverted away from the divine light of earth by religious authorities. They are keeping our God “up there”, instead of pointing us to see the sacred divine within earth forms. God the father is not accessible by looking up. Prayer is good but by staying in the prayer mode is to not receive the answer. Pleading and asking must end in order to shift into listening or receiving mode. Instead of remaining eternally stuck in the asking mode we have to look to Earth and recognize the spark of life and holiness within all physical objects. Because only when we stop looking out the front door can we see the trucks pulling up to the back door with goods and toys, knocking to let them in. The world has a divine light within it and within all beings. The world has much to offer. It’s a pretty rich place. There are lots of opportunities to express oneself in various careers and fields of endeavors. It is the spirit of God in the earth which allows us to receive abundance. Let us ask for abundance and look to the earth to provide it.
October 30, 2006
Back up and support your blossoming sexuality with other dimensional activities. It’s like a painting. An artist starts out with a rudimentary design. Our sexual energy is a rudimentary energy since it’s the anchor energy - the one sent before to anchor the divine light into the body. Now do the inter-dimensional work through spiritual consciousness techniques.
September 20, 1982
(channeled) The light is you, dear ones, but you have yet to realize it and understand the concept of human nature which is a shadow of the real. When you say, "I am..." it is the light of love that speaks and everything that comes thereafter is a perversion of that love. You are (I Am) a representative of the light and you have become a poor representative of love if you do not allow it to come through in everything that you do, for this is your primary destiny, to shine like a hero at his height, like the white knight in shining armour out to save the world. But distortion comes from misuse of this love. You are love, but you do not live that love.
The light of love animates your every move, it is what thinks in your mind, it is what feels in your heart, it is what breathes in your lungs, it is everything that perceives in you from your cells to the hair on your head, everything that is active and moving. It does not know evil, it does not create evil. It is all good, all-knowing, all-wise, all-loving, all-powerful and it is everything that moves in you. But you do not realize it yet, you do not realize what you are in reality. And because you do not realize the goodness of your nature you hold it back, afraid that it is not sophisticated, not the way of the world. You do not allow it to express and thus you create the build-up of love energy that quickly turns to emotion-packed resentment for not being able to come through. This build-up of resentment is only the beginning of the evil which plagues your life and circumstances. It is not really bad, dear ones, it is merely an excess of energy compacted into an unnatural package, stagnating like a barrel of rotten apples due to lack of proper circulation, and it is overloading your tender form with seething chaos. The more you hold back the precious gift of love, the more cut off from your inner feelings and intuition you become, and the power to express is taken from you, making it harder and harder to speak your heart and your true thoughts. The heavier grows your form as the veil of confusion thickens around you, shutting out the light of self knowledge and the freedom of expression which is your natural gift, and the light of sun is diminished, trapped inside a heavy layer of darkness. (posted 1/9/17)
May 20, 1982
Today the sun plays upon my bare back. The air is still. I am kneeling on a mattress by the side of the swimming pool. It is soft to my knees. As I sway to the rhythm of inner movements a fine mist falls upon my skin blown from the sprinklers as they wet down the warm soil and it feels good to me in the hot sun. Behind my closed eyelids I am aware of a whole new world coming to life in my mind. I am drifting with a flow I do not understand. The force that blows through my veins feels somewhat like a summer wind that sweeps across a barren earth stirring up the dust. It comes from out of nowhere, and it disappears beyond my horizon without ever seeing it or touching it but it stirs me in its passing.
My mind echoes with mundane things, the face of a sister and her whole life comes before me only to be encroached upon by the concerns of the meditation center in Costa Rica, wrenching my innards with nervous anxiety which disappears in the explosion of another face and another life and another set of problems. Pictures, voices, ambitions, urges, the activity going on in my brain is magnified out of propportion, showing me the quality of my daily life. Junk. Dirtiness. Old. Worthless, while my body dances to a new kind of music, a silent rhythm.
I am on my feet now, bending, twisting, reaching, moving in the snaking dance of the exotic and ancient Thailanders. Spontaneous. I do not understand where it comes from. And as I move, peace slowly seeps into my blood stream and begins its circulation through my physical system. I can feel it even now. The echoes of anxiety bouncing off the walls of my mind begin to die away and the slow passage from chaos to peace is underway. Suddenly there is a fresh image, an image of a man accompanied by a strong sense of earthiness. As the compelling force melts the cells and tissues of my waist and moves on into my arms and I bend to its magnetic pull, the image washes through me with its presence and I feel its solidarity, a deep and abiding love of - what? The earth? Yes, the earth, its people and their sturdiness. I am impressed for this is new to me and I drink in the profound sensations. His colors are dark, dark greens, dark reds, dark blues, dark browns, dark flesh and I am deeply touched. I have an urge to absorb the earth into me and I am bending, bending. I am on my knees bending down and I press my lips to the green colored cement that edges the pool. A surge moves through me from the earth and I rise and sway again in the sun, the image gone as quickly as it came.
A golden light in my pelvic area with a single ray reaching up and out the top of my head. Another single ray descending down and out the bottom of my feet and into the earth. Another ray issuing out to the left, piercing the atmosphere. Another to the right, and then another and another, forward, backward and the realization that I am a connection between earth and the infinity that lies beyond the earth. My knees bend and turn, my back stretches, my arms reach. I am full of awe for the power that graces me and pervades my being. Where do the movements come from? I have asked it a thousand times and a thousand times I test it to see if it is only my imagination. I will test it again right now.
As I form this conscious thought, I drop my hands to my lap and I Listen, determined not to move. I will prove once and for all, that these movements are figments of my overactive mind. Alertness crackles through me from cell to cell, from vein to vein, from nerve to nerve, and from head to toe the message runs through me: stop the movements! Stop the movements! And we all stop to listen, bursting with curiosity to find an answer.
But it does not last. My body fills with lightness too overwhelming to force back and peace rises like bubbles from the bottom of the sea looking for release in the air from which they came. And my arms raise and move and peace undulates around me like a cocoon. The test is no longer important for I am free. And I am happy and it was only a momentary whim to try to capture the thing. Surely, something I have done has pleased the gods that I should receive such a noble gift, for each time it flows it bathes me in happiness and washes clean my mind. A softness that is not of this world penetrates my body and fills my being. No earthly power could take a dirty and cynical attitude and cleanse it so that it is star-struck with a listening love for oneself and one’s life.
My brothers, my sisters, I know you are there watching from your hidden place in the sun. I feel your presence and know your wishes. I too wish the same. But what are these movements? Can you help me understand? How can I write about them if I do not understand? Will you help me? Will you guide me through the realms that my mind cannot penetrate?
Light fills my mind. I feel the presence of a holy light, a crystal light and I love the presence of the light. I serve the light. I love the light. I am yours, my lord, the light. I am yours to serve. My arms, my legs, my feet, my tongue, all of me is yours. I give myself to you, my lord, I give myself to you. The light of peace, of love, of truth, the light of purity. The song of devotion moves automatically through my inner heart and releases an emotion that fills every cell. I open my eyes to the clear white of the clouds, the blue of the infinite behind them. My fingers are reaching for that which has no name. The tall scrubby pine that guards our back yard is dark against the sky and, as if responding to my eagerness, a squirrel jumps into sight and scrambles up one branch and flies into the air to continue running down another, chased by a bird gliding on outspread wings of blue. Nature is alive and responsive and I am, once more, a part of her. I am ready now to receive our company tonight.
B and S arrived later. Both are jaded by the dirtiness of the world. I didn’t want to have sex with him so I kept up a running series of questions. The conversation consisted of their answering. I found out that she is attracted to psychic phenomena of the lower kind. Demons, witchcraft. I got the vibes to prove it. The willies and the creeps. But I cast a circle of light about me and about the room and continued to question her, raising her up as she spoke, giving no credence to the things she spoke of, neutralizing them. She said a few times, “I don’t want to talk about these things,” but I kept questioning, kept prodding. These things must be opened up, released, talked about. I do it whenever I get a chance.
Then I finished with her and asked B, her husband, what he thought of these things. He started talking, saying he doesn’t like to talk about them but he came alive with interest and I felt the same creepiness crawling over me. I lifted him up and moved over beside him so I could feel his vibrations. I asked him if he had any experiences. He said he wanted to investigate these things, wanted to become a witch.
When I finished questioning them I felt a little overwhelmed at how low they are. I wonder how many people are involved at this low level? What a job to raise them up, to explain away the darkness, to dispel the confusion, to shed the light. But that is my job. That is why I am here. I felt it was OK to swing with them after that, but made no move. Instead we moved into the kitchen to sit around and have coffee. We smoked a little pot, but not enough to do much. I did see the power of his third eye though. It was earthy as I felt him this afternoon in my movements. He is of the earth, pleasant and sincere. It is too bad if he gets pulled into the occult without understanding. Without balance. That’s the danger. There is no danger when there is understanding. There is no danger when there is openness. There is no danger when there is light. Secrecy must be dispelled. It is the big danger. (posted 1/8/17)
April 2, 1982
I went out to the swimming pool this morning with renewed intention. I will swim, then I will shower, then I will go to my room to do my exercises and meditations. The day is hot. I pause to soak in the sun because I am a little cool from the air conditioned house. Bob is sitting inside and can see me through the kitchen window. He is reading his paper. I turn my focus upon myself for a moment to feel the sun. Suddenly the movements are there. I drop my towel and I am torn. I had intended to go into the water. Do I want to give in to them now? Perhaps I should put it off until afterwards. Well, just a little bit won’t hurt. I yield to the inner currents.
My arms raise. My head is not into it but it doesn’t matter. My torso bends, my feet move in slow rhythmic slide and position themselves in a solid stance, reaching, shifting, until they feel right. I don’t know what they are looking for. They have a mind of their own. My hands are like the hands of a Tai dancer. The wrists bend, one in, the other out. Now moving, snaking over my head. My mind isn’t here. I don’t want to do this. But I am not being forced. There is another part of me that does want to do this. I am aware that there is another mind in me that is not my conscious mind. I can make all the intentions in the world with my conscious mind, but there is a deeper intention in me which takes priority.
I close my eyes and surrender a little bit more to the bliss. I am on the cement lip of the pool as I start to shimmy at the waist. Oh no! I think, here we go again. I wonder if I will fall into the pool. But I go with the increasing inner wind that is blowing faster. I am going faster, faster, my hips are doing the hoola-hoop motion. Now my hands are snaking faster, my thighs are shaking but my feet are solidly planted on the ground. I am thinking “Bob is watching.” He is wondering if he should come out to protect me from falling into the pool, inches away from my feet. I am aware that my biggest job is to integrate the movements and control them so I don’t fall into the water. I am the guardian of my body, the will power that allows this to happen. I want it to happen because I know the force is a god-force, god-willed and god-intended, intent on enlightenment of my whole being. I cannot say no because I have invited it. I have asked for this. I am the hard casing around the germination process that is happening inside me. My little mind doesn’t understand but....
The tempo is steadily, consistently increasing so that my head is now beginning to shake from left to right. In the space of two seconds it gears up to a frenzied convulsive swirling, but time is not important because I know what is happening and it is integrated. My whole body is now whipping back and forth. Now down into my legs and finally my feet start to jump. I am jumping, shaking something loose.
There is a force at work inside. I can see it. Rather, I can sense it. It is made of light, colors of pink, blue, yellow, green. They are not just light but of a substance like a solid. No, I guess they are more like a vibration but they are solid, nonetheless. Solid vibrations. They are full of energy. They ARE energy. There is sound present. There is life present. I am watching. This energy is a larger life trying to germinate in me. Trying to be born in me. There is passion present. There is power present. There is action, movement. This is no passive thing! Suddenly I realize that I have been trying to bring this power into me through passive practices like meditation. This will never do. The only way to bring this power into me is by stepping aside from MY intentions and letting ITS intentions take over. Now I understand why I try so hard NOT to make plans. I have no room for plans. The plan is to let IT who has no name take over.
It cannot be known by my small mind. I can only bend to it and absorb its light into me. It is working in me. I can only allow it when it is time to move. It is not always time to move. This is my life work. This is my love. Out of this springs the vision of a new life. Always exciting and new. It is hard to reconcile this vision with the physical world. The physical world is set. This life is not set. This life can never be set because it is always new, always springing forth into action like a fountain from an underground spring. Not for one fraction of a second can it set. It is on the go, on the move, changing, building, breaking down, uniting, blending, cutting swaths through the set ways of mankind. Disrupting it.
I have a choice, I suddenly realize. I can stick with the physical world and live and die with it, or I can cast my lot with this changing force of vitalization which, if I do, will imbue me with an ongoing life. One that cannot die when the physical dies, but goes on because it is part of the ongoingness of life. I am part of the ongoingness of life. I thought I was the body but I’m not. This is a real, practical choice which I have made. I can choose to sublimate the passions of this force or let it express, mysterious as it is and unknown to me. I am aware that it will express in the form of unconventional action, such as free sexual expression, such as getting up to do my vigorous movements in the presence of others, such as taking the lead in the middle of a passive conversation and turning it into a powerful thing. I must choose.
But I have already chosen. This is merely another glimpse to remind me. I am so hard - my casing - like the hard shells of the little seeds I am trying to germinate. I have the same life force working in me trying to crack my shell as the seeds have. I am no different. Trying to shed the old for the new. Integrate. I must integrate. Because I am not going to remove my shell, my body, like the seeds do. I am going to imbue it with life. I am not going to send up a physical sprout out of my body. I am going to send out rays of light and purity, to cleanse myself and my immediate environment. From within. There is a perfect light body within me. I am going to transform my being from the inside out. That is the growth I am going to do. It is different with a seed. We each have our destiny to fulfill, the seed and I.
Sometimes I speak from my little self. Sometimes my little self speaks from my unknown self. Already I speak from this new mind and new body. But then it settles back into the smaller and I am closed. And I feel old, bored, tired, sick of living. Then I do my movements again and I am new once more. Fresh and vital and never-ending. And the terrorism and the violence and the poverty and lack in the world cannot reach me. I am too far into the light to be touched.
April 20, 1982
The gods are speaking to me again. They speak of the seven centers of consciousness that we have. The soul is a light made up of seven major attributes. Each attirbute is a pure color and a vibration from the heart of source and it can be seen by anyone who has cleared himself of the mud that clings round about. The light of the soul may be fired again by concentration on each of the attributes that glow like a flame as I see them right now. I see them collectively, so beautiful. Each center is like a crystal, but in many people they are all dirty, covered over and lost in mud so that we do not know they are there. I see them clear now against the background of the inner organs, glowing pure. And becuase these higher ones want to help us they concentrate on one color each new day of the week, hoping to penetrate the darkness that surrounds us. As we concentrate and apply these attributes, these god qualities, in our life we will clear the mud away so we can see again. I see them so clearly right now.
The light of wisdom shines at the very top of the head so that it is slightly above and slightly into the head. It shines with an ethereal hue of yellow like the translucent rays of the sun as seen piercing the mist of the forest at dawn. It is not harsh as the colors on earth but alive with a mystical sense, and moving. As we make right choices in our life, wise choices, and apply wissdom to our life we revitalize the fire within this center which pierces the mud covering the crystal which shines through with such brilliance that nothing less can cling to it. It is a ball of light, a flame of light so clean, so pure, so beautiful, so holy that I cannot describe its essence. It is not of this world and it resides within and transposes itself upon the physical body and its organs of matter, giving life to these for they have no life of their own. The power waiting to be released through the application of right choice cannot be imagined for we take them for granted. They are so natural to us that we play God with them, for we are God, and we do not understand what we are doing, or how powerful right choice is and how much kickback wrong choice is. These are the powers of the natural self. Our natural abilities do not seem powerful at all. We do not know the awesomeness we carry within our choices. We must be bold in ascerting the rightness of our choice - the true choice of our heart. We must be wise in applying choice so that we do not harm another or our flame is snuffed out once more from the kickback.
April 17, 1982
Last night the presence came again, after fifteen months. Fifteen months during which I lost count the number of times I crumbled my writings into a ball and threw them into the wastebasket and stare hopelessly out the window at the ever changing colors in the air around me, oblivious to my frustrated attempts.
How does one explain the splendor of the sun? How does one name that which has no name? Where does one find the temerity - the audacity - to attempt to fit that celestial brilliance into the rigid casing of the English language, where it must conform to human logic? For fifteen months I tried. I have been trying to create a helpful program of instruction to suit the times. There are so many people who want to know about meditation and the long lost powers of a race of gods now disguised in flesh. I could tell them. For fifteen months I have examined my task from every perspective imaginable. I have built it up and I have honed it down so that the simplest minds could understand. I have colored it with the truth that is stranger than fiction and I have filled it out with the meat of the practical mind. I have written it and revised it, again and again and again. And each time I have thrown it away. I have tried to explain the nature of that which cannot be explained. I have tried to fit the immortal into a mortal format, and for the last fifteen months the presence has not come, neither in the day nor in the night as it used to. Its absence seems to say, “Go ahead! Chisel it down to human size if you want but the fires of vision will not support you, nor will the majesty that you once knew visit you during such miniscule efforts!”
Finally I have been forced to admit to that which I once knew but had conveniently forgot. That which touches my inner heart from time to time, does so at the whim of a law not my own. That which illumines my inner eye is a light of a type unknown to me. I am but a fluff riding on giant waves, the recipient of a flame whose origins I do not understand. And so, two days ago I gave up in utter and complete frustration and agreed to stop all attempts to capture it in words. I gave up and in the wake of my surrender, the presence came again. In the night it came - that mystical light which conforms not an iota to the laws of this world, nor to the piousness of my body and mind. Undaunted by my imperfections it sought once more to establish itself within my being in all its sunlit magnificence, and impart a message to me.
Somewhere around dawn it came. I do not remember if my physical eyes ever opened or not, for I was in that peculiar state of consciousness which I have come to know so well, and for which I yearn so much these days, where my physical surroundings dwindle into nothingness as the ephemeral lights begin to twinkle into a crackling alertness in my mind, which signifies the coming of a great event.
The following attempt to describe the vision is a direct result of that particular visitation last night. I must put this down in writing. I must. I do not know why but I must. As I awoke from the stupor of sleep I became conscious of an immense sea of pulsating and sparkling lights which seemed to be electrical in nature. The over-all color was orange but with gold overlying and darkness underlying and blackness in the background. Upon closer inspection I found that I was WITHIN this sea of tiny little specks of light, each one of which was so miniscule as to be as small or smaller than an atom, for they were not able to be seen with the physical eye.
I did not see any one speck individually, per se, yet somehow I knew that each one was distinctly separate from its neighbors and unique. Yet simultaneously it was a unified part of the whole. The effect was like a strange kind of liquid undulation heaving with a mightiness that defied description, and a unity that defied separation.. This flowing sea of lights stretched in all directions into infinity for, again I don’t know how, but I knew that there was no end. I seemed to be part of this network of crackling lights that caused a great increase in my state of alertness. And as I watched I saw that each tiny spark was a mind with a consciousness all its own and it moved and glittered and sparkled with an intensity unique from its neighbors. The overall movement was one of exquisite sophistication and harmony not unlike a great orchestra caught up in a symphony of sounds where each instrument moves only in relation to the whole, never, never by itself.
I was overwhelmed with the immensity which was so obviously a living mind with vast powers of intelligence capable of holding the whole system together and in my heart there rose a song of devotion and praise, and I knew that I was one of those sparkling specks of light., I was struck with awe, and no matter in which direction I turned to look I could see far and deep. And I saw the varying shades and hues of light, the darker ones brownish in color falling into the backdrop, while the most brilliant ones, the color of the sun, came forward to catch and dazzle my eye, so alive where they - and radiating.
And now comes the hardest part of all. My words describe what I saw but there was another dimension to the vision which involved a penetration of feeling. The message that soon began to impress upon me was done through this deeper level of feeling. The sense of awe and grandeur to which I first awoke out of a dead sleep, was only the beginning. For shortly I found myself within the brilliant rays of a flaming intelligence focalized in the form of a sun. It burned with a white fire, whiter than any white I have seen thus far, yet I knew it to be a person. And as I fell into the magnetism of this intellect, I felt myself absorbing its attributes so that I was no longer myself, though I must have retained the shell of my former being in order to remember and describe it now. But for that span of time I was a part of that magnificent singular mind - that most impressive being - and I felt the whole spectrum of goodness - compassion, wisdom, intelligence, love, strength, purpose, clarity, refinement - it was, somehow, a fulfillment of what every mind should be, although who am I to say? I cannot imagine any mind on Earth ever attaining this grandeur even if it were to evolve for a million years. Such purity is impossible to imagine and yet, perhaps not,. Perhaps not.
As I was being absorbed into the radiation of those rays, it was like being absorbed into the delicious rays of the warm summer sun yet a thousand times over. I became conscious of absorbing also a message most especially meant for me. I was being drenched with a quite specific instruction, through and through, body, mind and soul. It was so abundant and overflowing that at the height of the message it seemed that I WAS the instruction itself imprinting itself into every atom that composed my body. The moving pageant of the entire solar system would have faded into insignficance compared to that one moment in my life. And now I must attempt a translation into English, for this is specifically my task.
There was a prelude to the main body of the message and it was this: Had I been outside of the brilliance of this solar presence I would not have been able to receive its message. Thus for the short time that the message was being impressed upon me I was absorbed into it to become one with it. Only this way, I was told, could I have withstood its presence. This knowledge was given to me through an absorption into my whole being. The main part of the massage was as follows:
“There is an element unlike any element thus far discovered by mankind. It has yet to be researched and known. This elemental experience was given to me but I cannot describe it in words. I felt it and I knew it for the space of several moments. This element is similar to a power, yet it is more than a power for it comes close to being a substance. It is not fire, yet it is similar to fire. It is not water yet it is similar to water. It is not air yet it is similar to air. It is not substance yet it is similar to substance. It is not intelligence yet it is similar to intelligence. It has all of the above elements within it, yet it is more. It is somewhere between the physical and the nonphysical.
“This element has yet to be discovered and known and written about, and I am one of many who can do it. There are others. Many, many people are involved with it at varying levels, but those who are dealing with it on other levels cannot define it. I am to define what I experience. The visions I see come out of it and my movements are an effect of it. All of the incredible experiences I have been having come out of it and now I must put my experiences into words.”
In the lingering afterglow of this message I waited, as if on pause, because there was a secondary message. Its meaning was burned even deeper into the very core of me so that it became a permanent part of me, and it was this.
“I am not to presume that I know any more than anyone else pertaining to this element, for this is not the case. I have a certain purpose to accomplish and I have been prepared to carry out this purpose. My purpose is that of a recorder, not unlike the historian who records the facts as he sees them. If there were no historians, there would be no history books for others to use as reference points and guidelines in their work with this new element.”
The experience was still going on as I began coming out of that brilliant place into a smaller, darker space and I awoke in bed beside Bob, who was still asleep, trying to capture the echoes of it as it faded. Through my mind moved the haunting impression of once having held the glory of a sunset in the palms of my hands. It took me a long time to adjust to the flat darkness of my bedroom, time in which I became once more conscious of the clock whose red numerals glowed in the semi-dark and the heaviness of sleeping bodies. The soft light of the dawn was apparent through the draperies.
At length a bird called and pulled me all the way awake. I lay still and then at length shifted and put one arm across Bob and pulled myself close against his warm back, glad now for his fierce protection which, in times past, so annoyed me. I was glad because I could tell him in the morning about it. Who else would have encouraged these other worldly things and listened with such patience as I stumbled over the words? I pondered the element. What was it? The extraordinary feeling of it still soaking in my depths. It was sensory. What does it mean? The feeling is hauntingly familiar. It is extraordinarily close. it is significant. But of what? I pondered a long time and finally went to sleep.
I woke about 10 with Bob and even before I opened my eyes I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the meaning of the message. I could identify the element that has yet to be discovered. The element is the soul. The substance of the soul, the other side of the physical. I was stunned. My experiences have been with the mysterious substance of the soul, alive and real in everyone but yet unknown. The unknown element is the soul, that illusive substance of personal identity which is the keystone of the new age. Chills run through me as I write this.
March 31, 1982
I am combing my hair in the mirror, getting ready to go out to a party and I suddenly see something. No, I don't see, I am experiencing something. I am excited and I reach for a pad of paper at the head of the bed which I keep there, and a pencil, for a moment such as this.
"People are each one frequencies. Blocks of SOLID, sparkling, frequencies. And I can see their colors now. When they come near to each other, those who are close in frequency feel an attraction to reach out and fuse together. Because they are close in frequency, yet still separated. This fusion doesn't have to be sexual, nor physical, although it perhaps most often is. This is the power of magnetism. The power of attraction between people."
It is splendid, the imagery! Beautiful. I think of Wally. Tonight I think it will come about that I will go with him to bed finally. Could it be we are close in frequency? I wonder. Bob is impatient with me. "No!" he barks. "You don't have time," as he realizes I'm getting carried away with a thought. But I pay no attention to him,and he smiles and gives in.
March 30, 1982
Bob, my husband is sitting to my right, Rob, the leader/counselor is sitting to my left. I am not aware that I have the favored position, sitting between two grounded men. I will not remember this until tomorrow morning and realize the significance. The class is sitting each behind a school-tpe desk, in a circle of 25 people for the first of our final exams for the semester. It has been a strange class, a workshop for graduates of psychology for personal growth. There has been no format. We have been coming for three hours a night to sit on cushions and stare at each other across the wide circle. We never knew what we were looking for but we knew we were expected to take a risk. Expose something of ourselves. It has been this way all through the semester but we had a leader then. Now, we don't. The leader has withdrawn. He is not communoicating with us. The only communication he is giving us tonight at this final exam, is melo-dramatic parables full meaning. They are intimidating but they are effective.
Nervousness runs around the room, then someone lets slip an off-hand remark. Tension breaks and the nervousness collapses into broad relief. Then we remember once more and tenseness rises again. And silence. No one knows what to say. There's been no instruction except a piece of paper with a puzzle on it.
"I feel nervous," says one woman. "I feel angry," says another. "For not knowing what to do." "Well, I, for one, want to tell you what I feel," breaks in another. There are mostly women in this class. "I have been feeling terrible..." I don't pay attention to her because she's repeated herself so many times now.
As the situation of the room drones on, I busy myself by going inside. I am becoming conscious of a grounding effect happening in my body, my legs. The cells in my legs feel strange, but alive. Heavy? No, they are not heavy. More here? Yes, more here. I want to tell the group but I don't know what to say. How do I describe this feeling? The counselor wants us to describe our bodily feelings.
"I feel grounded," I say. "What did you say?" a girl with dark hair asks. "Grounded," I repeat. "What's that?" someone else asks. "That's the opposite of spacey," Bob says. I wish he hadn't done that. I wanted to try to explain. Now the moment is lost. I give up and relax into myself again.
Soon the feeling is evident to me again. It surprises me. It is the same feeling I have after I do my movements. Sensuous but not sexual, not located in that area. I feel sensuous all over. Balanced. Grounded. More with my physicalness. Foreign to me. I am wondering if this is the god force, the dramatic psychic force that is called the kundalini that came alive in me in 1976. I am wondering if that force has something to do with it. I know it has, but I don't understand the process. No one does. I can't find anyone willing to analyze the process with me. I have to do it all alone.
There is an ecstacy to it, but now it is a physical ecstasy. When I do my movements it is physical but it ends up a mental ecstasy. A spiritual ecstacy. A high that lifts me into visions and lights and feelings of love. Now it is only physical. There must be a connection. I wish I could talk with someone about it but no one understands. It is so awesome. I know that my body is going through a transformation, a physical transformation, and I can't talk with anyone aobut it.
I feel it. Each cell is being affected. It is so strong, it is like a substance. Like a nectar - the nectar of the gods. The phrase bubbles into my mind spontaneously. Nectar of the gods. It is real. It is not metaphorical. It is something being secreted right now into my physical body that has an intoxicating effect on me. Like I have just had the most sensuous lovemaking session of all time and it climaxed into the most delicious orgasm a woman could possibly have. That is what it feels like right now, all through my body.
I feel it in my face. I feel it in my back. I feel it in both arms especially below the elbows. I feel it even stronger in my thighs, my calves. And my feet. It seems that the soles of my feet are part of the floor. As though they have melted into the floor and taken root there. And the life blood of the earth is passing back and forth in and out of me. Strange. Is this sensation only on the surface of the skin?
No. It goes deeper. I am in touch with an activity in my muscles and tissues that I do not normally have except after a meditation. What is it? An hour has passed since I told the class that I felt grounded. Nothing much has changed in the room that I can sense. One person has broken down into tears. She said her marriage is on the verge of breaking up. But everyone else is looking outside of themselves for answers. Tittering nervousness lingers on the edge of the cup ready to spill over. I'm more interested in myself.
Patrick speaks with sudden earnestness. "I want to get off my act. I want to reveal myself. I just can't get myself together at all." The class listens eagerly to their newest scapegoat. Something tells me that Patrick is being genuine with himself. I look up and across the room to him and listen too. He's a young man, intense, very professional, very handsome. A pilot and a consultant in management to airlines. Whenever Patrick speaks there is an unseen power behind the words. But the words are not always true, as if something is out of alignment. Now he is speaking true. He has connected with a rare burst of honesty. Real feelings lie deep. That is what the counselor wants us to find. Real feelings. Few are willing. It's too far down. Too deep. Too down. But I'm feeling that the down is good. For me it is good. But I understand. I am just coming down myself.
"....she left, and now I realize that I love her. And I can't get it together. I just can't get it together." His voice has a sigh in it. "And I feel lost." I am watching Patrick as he talks. Rather I am watching the air around his head without being conscious that I am doing that. Suddenly I see a yellow glow, a yellow light pulsating around his head. As I notice it, instead of it fading away as so often happens, it becomes brighter. And I notice that close to his head there is an even brighter yellow, all around his head. Yellow light about an inch thick. I am watching it and I am alert. I think he is telling a truth, but the others don't seem to think so.
A lady is saying, "Patrick, I detect that you don't really want to get it together. If you wanted to, you could." Patrick thinks for a moment. "Yes, I do..."
"Patrick, a girl with sandy-colored hair, a lifeguard who hasn't spoken much during the session, speaks up. "If you really wanted to pull it together, you could do it. The more you think about not pulling it together, you won't." Patrick responds, "I want to! I really do!" Patrick's sun-tanned and well-scrubbed face looks exactly like a cherub with the golden aura around him like a halo. I wonder if this phenomenon happens always when a truth is told, as legend claims. Someone else, "Patrick, you yourself said that you couldn't let go. That you didn't want to let go....."
The blood is movinmg through my body faster now. The glow has faded away as I become conscious of the attack. I want to stop this attack. "Patrick," I say but I am drowned out by Gloria. "You only think...." I wait until Glorida is finished then start again. "Patrick," I say and look at him appealingly but I am drowned out again.
The counselor shifts in his chair. He is uncomfortable that I don't speak up louder. He feels my holding back. But I will get it out.
"Patrick," I say louder and the group stops talking and looks at me. I have cut off a girl in mid-air. Suddenly I am happy. Singing inside. I realize my eyes are dancing and nearly laughing. I am smiling and suddenly I cover my mouth with my hands because I shouldn't be this happy. I feel like a little girl with a secret. But then I change my mind. "I'm sorry," I blurt out, "But I HAVE to tell Patrick what I saw. And I look at him. "I saw a golden light all around your head as you were talking, telling us about your girlfriend."
And then I stop. I took a big risk saying that. Now I'll be known as a kook. But he doesn't want to hear it. He looks away and keeps talking about his incapacity to help himself and get out of the rut. I am sad. Really sad because I saw something beautiful, almost holy, but he who was the holy one for a moment did not want to hear. The battle continues. The attackers and the attacked. I withdraw only for a minute or two and then my adrenalin runs again. I interrupt.
"I think Patrick was the only one who revealed anything honest about himself, and we don't have the right to judge him. We don't know what is going on with him. Who are we to judge?"
The counselor speaks suddenly without lifting his eyes or his head. His hands are folded still in his lap beside me. His deep male voice thunders around the room. "A group to save itself offers up a sacraficial lamb upon the altar."
Silence. A round of apologies. Then silence again.
I pull down inside of myself and renew my relationship with the cells in my legs. The nectar is still there. I am awed. Renewed by it. Wondering. Impressed. It is like I am open, like all the cells in my body are open and in touch with something powerful. I am the cells. I am living in the cells and I am enjoying their intoxication along with them. The cells are alive with or without me. They are alive in their own right, but I am co-owner along with them. We are a duality but we are now, momentarily, one. And tremendously alive.
It has been a concern, off and on, that I should be so involved with myself, my inner world and my ecstasies of wonderment and awe and beauty. Bob once referred to me as being narcissistic and he is right. I am. But it is for moments like this that I am narcissistic. I am in love with the feelings that come from being aware. I love life when there is a glow to it. I do not love the depressed side of life. I will gladly submit to name calling, to censorship, if that is necessary, though often it is not, if I can have the relevations, the beauty of my mystical exepreriences. My body is a mystical thing. There is so much about it that I do not know, yet which haunts me and beckons me with a siren's call to come in and feel and know the truth. It is for this that I am alive, to uncover the truth of myself.
Back home in bed I am nestled into the crook of Bob's shoulder. It is dark. Sweet. He is my other half, my ground, my earth. He turns and gives me a hug and warmth and love runs through me and I am melting into him. I stop and consider this feeling. What does this remind me of?
"Do you know what?" I ask suddenly, at once alert and feeling profound. "When you hug me like that you you give me a feeling just like the feeling I get when I do my movements. And what I was feeling in class tonight." I told him about it on the way home. "Grounded isn't quite it. It's love! That's what I'm feeling. Love! It's liquid love that moves in me."
Bob doesn't say anything. He is quiet but he hugs me once more with all of the softness and tenderness that he can muster. I can tell he's smiling in the darkness. He's smiling at me because I am a kook but he loves me anyway. He is patient and he cares and he knows that I am on my own peculiar path and he respects that. As long as I am happy, then he is happy.
"I'm glad you told me that," he says. "For sharing that with me." And we cuddle for a few minutes more. Then he turns away from me and I spoon into him and we go to sleep. I wake sometime in the night and feel a glow in my back and there is a sparkling sensation on my spinal column. There are sparks coalescing, sputtering, active, about the level of the navel but on the spinal column and running upwards about three inches. They are not white light but darker colors, all colors, but they are highly active. They are scraping, clearing, sparkling. Always sparkling. And the glow spreads upward a little more, covers an area from side to side and up below my shoulder blades. Cozy. Warm. And I fall back to sleep.
March 22, 1982
I went to bed at 2 am after talking late with H. The next thing I knew I was conscious of being everywhere, and everything. I was conscious of being alive and I was conscious of being energy. Then, from far away, in sort of a downward direction, came a sound, a bird calling. it was thick and dense yet far away and it pulled me toward it as though the call were a force. I was drawn away from that everywhere feeling, and separated. Being drawn downward into a thicker density, and isolated from the overall, the everywhere. At the same time I saw -- or knew -- that the bird who was calling was also being drawn downward and away from the everywhere. I could see this. From out of everywhere I came into focus in my bedroom asleep beside Bob and though I hadn't yet opened my eyes -- I could still see where I had descended from. And I could still see where the bird call had descended from. There were no boundaries. There was no center. There was no finite location. I and the bird were everywhere until I descended into consciousness in my bedroom.
Then I opened my eyes and it was light behind the heavy draperies across the window. Dawn, and the birds were waking up. Then I realized that the heightened energy was still with me -- or rather, I was still in a heightened state of energy. WHO AM I? How could I be everywhere and yet contained inside this body? I rolled over and the power was activating my limbs and physical tissues. I felt powerful, bigger than my body. It was heady. I realize as I type this that this is what has caused me fear in the past. Now, I am standing on a brink of discovery. How to control this energy. I yielded and yielded and yielded to this force so that it could come out. Now it is coming out strong and I must resume control..
February 6, 1982
Slept late, got up at 10:41. Slept near 11 hours. Strange. It is warm this morning, hazy with the air saturated Fewith moisture. It is heavy to the skin so I dipped into the pool, cold, refreshed. Opened the two gates for Bob who is walking, discovered the front door was already unlocked. Outdoors by the pool I turned on the tape player to the programming tape - the meditation tape. I did not particularly feel like doing it this morning. The schedule is restricting, but Bob persuaded me.
I moved a bit to loosen and then knelt on the prayer bench by the pool. It is comfortable. I listen to the words of Muniji. They speak the truth. It is over and I get up and stretch before the end of the tape. I am moving and I am aware that the tape restricted me. I feel freer now. I am committed to this tape for four weeks to see what happens, so I will do it. Perhaps the first time in history that I will follow through with a scheduled program! Maybe I will learn something.
I am already learning. I am stretching my arms and my torso and the current is rippling through the blockages. I am aware that the balancing treatment that Paula does [jin shin jytsu] is exactly the same as my movements. Her fingers release tensions that block up, while my movements do the same. I feel the same sense of well-being and peace and euphoria after her treatments as I do after a lengthy session of my own movements. I am also aware that yoga does the same thing. They are equal: yoga, jin shin jytsu and my movements which have been labeled tai chi. Everything is the same: release of the energy whose real identity is the Self. God in human form whose destiny is to flow without interruption. That is why I feel good. That is why everyone feels good. I am robbing myself of this good feeling whenever I don’t do my movements, but I am committed to four weeks of programming. Perhaps I can get in some hours of movements inbetween.
I see in the depths of the pool the reflection of the pine tree - my friend who spoke to me one day. It is clear. I am aware of divinity. I am aware that I am king. I am aware that I have no master above me. I am aware that when Paula tells me I have blocks she is not talking to the true me. She is talking to the surface me - the me that is playing the games on the surface. I am aware that these are games and that I do not have to play. I am aware that the emotional blocks exist only in the outer world. They do not exist in the inner, in the seat where I reside in peace and calm. This place, this throne room cannot be touched by anything less than what I am. My own thoughts of restriction cannot pass through these doors. Anyone else’s suggestion of restriction neither can pass through. They fall away as if like shadows before the light of the truth. The tree’s reflection in the pool is not the real tree. I am aware. Neither is that which I expose to the world. I challenge all whom I meet to recognize me. Very few have. Very few. The identity remains hidden, but I know.
The moment passes and I am back on the side of the pool in gentle surroundings.
February 7, 1982
(Florida) It was cold this morning - colder than yesterday - out by the pool as I made ready for my meditation. I feel a little more into myself today than I felt before. I turned on my programming tape somewhere toward the end - it was when I was talking on the tape - the slightest movement began within. Shifting almost imperceptibly, left to right. It was almost nonexistent for several minutes and then it expanded and I was moving about four inches to the left and four inches to the right from shoulder level. Then my voice ended and Muniji’s voice came on strong. The movement stopped. Or rather, shifted, and now my body shimmied, or shook from the hips and waist. The shaking moved up to the chest and shoulders and finally to my head, and arms raised to shake. Then it stopped abruptly. And there was a very dull sensation at the top of my head. It was as if the energy made its ascent from a full resting position to the crown in a space of about four minutes. I have never thought of it before, but this happens occasionally. I think the energy is so integrated that it moves at will. I am so busy reading about it and being awed over it that I do not even notice that it is so active within me! It is so beautiful.
Last night at J & N’s we had a party. I smoked and saw something interesting. I saw again the substance of the finer life force. It is always like a liquid fire with many colors - like a mirage - yet like nothing on earth. It is a different thing. I saw that when a man or a woman has an orgasm all of life is having it. This was while I lay with Lee although he was not in any way involved in sex, just lying close. It is as though it doesn’t matter who is having it because Life is having it! This sounds very strange in this finite world where everything is divided up into individual units, but in the united sea of all-life - which is ever so real and together, a kiss, a hug, an orgasm, a hurt - it is happening to everyone all at the same time. I could see how it works. We are all united, the life in Lee is the life in me. And the life in me is the life in Bob. And life in Nance is the life in Jim and me - we are all one in the center where it counts. It was clear to me then, that it is natural and good to be in a room and feel the hurt of another, for I am that other and that other is me. Only in this outer realm are we divided. Lee told me that he didn’t understand when he was with me. That he felt different with me and he liked me so much he didn’t want to think of sex. He feels very soft as though we are of one skin, but he couldn’t say it. I feel it and so does he.
July 25, 2012
[Channeled from my invisible mentor, Djwhal Kul, an ascended tantra master. I had asked, What do I do with the new dreams? They keep coming and coming. I am confused. I can't let them go if they keep coming?! I have paper and pen in hand and write down his response.]
DK: I didn‘t say to suppress them, or to cut them off. I said “Let your dreams go.” Don‘t hold on to them. Let them keep coming, and let them keep going so there is a flow, like a river. It is your mind that tries to capture the idea. To wrap it up in a pretty package with a bow on top like a title. Your mind, when you do this, stops the flow. Remember a long time ago you were told not to grasp the shooting star - the idea - because the tail is still coming in its wake. The tail of the shooting star contains the how, where, why and other practical information to follow. That which explodes in your mind is the shooting star but there is further information to follow, which would lead you in understanding how to implement the plan because it is not yours alone to implement. There must be others. This is the flow that is coming behind the first implosion. If you stop the flow - this brilliant new idea that has came to you - by grabbing it and trying to capture it in your hands, the flow, the movement is stopped. This is what happens to many people. They get an idea and think it is a most wonderful idea, and they try to capture it and put it under a magnifier to examine it for flaws. And the grace and beauty of this magnificent gift is diminished to a “thing”. It is shut off and becomes finite.
Yesterday, for example, my instruction was the beginning of a new thought for you. You took it and ran with it. You tried to package it. You did package it. But now you are experiencing overwhelm. Your mind closed on it. Your mind packaged it. And you became confused. What next, you thought. Now more information is coming to you today. Yesterday I did not tell you to suppress your dreams or to shut them off or to sit and examine them under the microscope of your mind. I told you to let them go. Now I add more to that statement. Let your dreams go so more dreams can come. Let them come and let them go, and then more will follow and you will let them go too and still more will come. Do you see the idea from this example? It is a universal process of downloading information from the unformed into the formed or finite world. Intelligence is infinite, but for it to download into a human brain it must come in the form of a stream of consciousness, a thought that resembles a path which is presented to you in an orderly fashion. It comes from an infinite open sky space in a kind and gentle manner so that it does not overwhelm you. There is more to come. When you open to your higher self you begin receiving a stream of orderly “more“. You begin to perceive more. You already know this, you have merely forgotten.
Now, because 3D is crumbling you are receiving ”moreness”. More information. More excitement. More knowledge. More creative ideas. More things to study. More people to meet. More possibilities. More paths to take. More of everything and you are experiencing overwhelm, which is confusion, because you haven‘t disciplined your mind to stay open to the flow. It’s too much because your mind is trying to grab it and “package” it in the old way. The way of 3D. That doesn’t work any more. You are now learning how to live in 5D where there are no limits. You can’t put this new information in a box any more and package it and sell it as yours. It requires you to let go of all new concepts that come to you, wonderful as they are. Beautiful beyond anything you‘ve seen before. You want to own it but you can’t grasp it. There is no owning or monopolizing in 5D. In 5D your mind must open wide and let information flow THROUGH it so it can fit into the wider playing field that you are moving into. Life must be allowed to unfold in a more open and natural manner.
September 20, 1982
(Channeled) The light is you, dear ones, but you have yet to realize it and understand the concept of human nature which is a shadow of the real. When you say, “I am...” it is the light of love that speaks and everything that comes thereafter is a perversion of that love. You are (I Am) a representative of the light and you have become a poor representative of love if you do not allow it to come through in everything that you do, for this is your primary destiny, to shine like a hero at his height, like the white knight in shining armor out to save the world. But distortion comes from misuse of this love. You are love, but you do not live that love.
The light of love animates your every move, it is what thinks in your mind, it is what feels in your heart, it is what breathes in your lungs, it is everything that perceives in you from your cells to the hair on your head, everything that is active and moving. It does not know evil, it does not create evil. It is all good, all-knowing, all wise, all loving, all powerful and it is everything that moves in you. But you do not realize it yet. You do not realize what you are in reality. And because you do not realize the goodness of your nature you hold it back, afraid that it is not sophisticated, not the way of the world. You do not allow it to express and thus you create the build-up of love energy that quickly turns to emotion-packed resentment for not being able to come through. This buildup of resentment is only the beginning of the evil which plagues your life and circumstances. It is not really bad, dear ones, it is merely an excess of energy compacted into an unnatural package, stagnating like a barrel of rotten apples due to lack of proper circulation, and it is overloading your tender form with seething chaos. The more you hold back the precious gift of love, the more cut off from your inner feelings and intuition you become, and the power to express is taken from you, making it harder and harder to speak your heart and your true thoughts. The heavier grows your form as the veil of confusion thickens around you, shutting out the light of self knowledge and the freedom of expression which is your natural gift, and the light of sun is diminished, trapped inside a heavy layer of darkness.
March 14, 1982
(Florida) Party last night at J & N’s. D & L were there. I struck a conscious note with D who appears to have let it slide down during normal interactions. Felt his energy take a distinct step upward when I was around. The party was too long. I get tired of dragging out this sex thing. There’s too much to do to waste this time.
Mr. Adamski said the more available you are, the higher you grow. I can feel it. It is as if things are ripening to a point where there will be an explosion of activity, but it is as if we are merely tufts of grass floating on the waves of the sea, doing nothing but going along with the current. It takes little effort but willingness. In meditations recently, the words are coming and I am accepting them. Putting them down on a little pad of paper I now keep nearby. I also keep a pad in the bedroom and in the kitchen and in the meditation room. The words that have always come and gone like the wind I am now capturing on paper without thought but as they fall. As of now, these words fall onto this paper.
A letter from Meicel, confused because a Theosophist told her God was so far, far away. Why, she asks, is he so far? What hope do we have? Foolish people - they do not understand. That is what I must tell them - he is closer than the tears that spring up in the breast at such a mean thought.
March 13, 1982
(Florida) My success is dependent on my timing, which depends upon my patience. Through these two doors I can watch for the cosmic pulse and flow with the cosmic tide. God is the energy embodied in man. Man is the outer shell. One day the shell will cease playing around with the God energy which he misuses, causing problems and darkness for himself -- and open the floodgates and go forth, uncensoring and unlimited. This is the plan.
Through perseverance in following one’s own heart, one can direct the floodgates and the flow coming through. One can direct and will one’s consciousness back to his center. And awaken - or invite - the God-energy to come forth. The way of perfection is to follow the natural path of the God-energies, the energies emanating through the aura. To hold it back is to deny God and to darken and sully your light. You will attract back to you all that you shed forth and if you radiate darkness, then darkness will return. If you radiate light, then light will return. When you hold back, your nerves tighten and cause a barrier that refuses to let in the light of God.
May 13, 1982
(Florida) I am two elements: spirit and matter. Spirit has a tendency to rise to return to its parent source, often referred to as the father. Matter has a tendency to descend to return to its parent source, often referred to as the mother. My struggle while on earth is the struggle to integrate the two so that I am comfortable with myself. Too much attention to my self, my spiritual side, and my physical body suffers for it is pulled away from its physical environment. If I pay too much attention to my physical side, my spirit suffers for I am pulled outward and away from myself. To be happy I must be able to live equally with the world about me, exchanging recipes, gardening, shopping and going to work, as well as going into meditation as I choose, alone and in private. It is difficult! I am pulled upwards too much, too often. I cannot seem to reach the ground - only in sex.
March 15, 1982
(Florida) I’m doing the deer exercise once a day. When done at night before going to bed I am awake two hours before Bob, alert and ready to get up. I whip through the house with more energy, more drive to accomplish the teachings, more revelations come through. More in tune with the light.
I watched The Wild Geese on TV last night with Bob. Mercenaries with quick killing. I experimented when violence came on. I focused inside and my eyes shifted to within several feet of the TV, away from the picture of violence. The shift was natural - and exciting. In the past when I tried to “overcome” the violence with a mental effort to “rise above it”, it didn’t work. My eyes were captured and stuck to the TV in spite of my efforts. Now my eyes shifted naturally. I saw a lighter-than-air light around me. “I saw the light”, I would have said once. But now I see that I merely shift focus and reside temporarily, for as long as I retain my focus, in the realm of lighter stuff - lighter substance. Consciousness is the key. Consciousness is a laser beam of sturdy material and one can reside within that ray of light protected.
This afternoon, Monday, I read the sales brochure from Lighthouse Summit. It is close to me and speaks to me. Ordered Mechanization Concept and Dossier on the Ascension. The ascended masters are very close to me. I am one of their people. Talked to a woman who’s been to the Bosque. She, too, had the God-force awaken in her in 1973 and went through similar traumas. We see her Thursday.
Continued next day, March 16, 1982 (Florida) Did deer exercise again last night before going to bed. Woke this AM long before Bob - at 8 - seeing revelations passing before my mind. The kundalini - the god-force - is scattered throughout the Christian Bible! The born-again Christian, the second coming -- these are the arousal and awakening of the God-force. The preparation and possession of the God-force. The prodigal son coming home after traversing the inner land of his being and awakening the seven major centers -- this calls for a feast! A feast of abundance and overflowing wine (feast of abundant energy and euphoric nectar of the gods through the nerves)
I got up and got my pad of paper I keep handy and brought it back to bed with a pencil, hoping Bob wouldn’t wake for he would want me to sleep again. He did, got up and went to bathroom, came back and let me write. Then I got up and got the Bible (with Bob’s permission) and came back to read Revelations.
Revelations and the seven scrolls and the seven seals and the seven churches are ALL the seven major centers in the body. The beasts and the famines and the thunders and the lightenings and plagues and demons and all, are the turmoils that wrack the body and mind and subconscious (hell) upon the arousal and awakening of the God-force. The 144,000 to be saved in the end are the 144,000 nerves of the nervous system. These above all else must be protected, they belong to the true man-God who is coming.
The lighting of the seven lamps in the windows, to wait for the coming of the master of the house -- this too is the lighting of the seven major energy centers that must be accomplished before God will ascend the throne. The base of the spine center is only one of the seven. it is not God, at least not yet. God comes to his throne when the God-force prepares the way. The voice of one crying in the wilderness is the God0-forceexploding through the body and wracking the nervous system, the wilderness of man’s creation, a jungle of wildness, darkened, confusing, filled with untamed passions and emotions and ideas and pre-conditioned mental tapes - and terrors. This is the kingdom that must be ruled by the master who is yet to come. John the Baptist crying in the wilderness is a real-=life symbol of a mystical thing, preparing the way for the Lord of the House. Purging the wildness, taming the land, this is what the kundalini - the God-force - is intended to do. It is a purge.
Then, when the purge is over, the Lord of the House may take his throne and govern in peace. But revelations says there is more undoing to come. I did not finish the book of Revelations but I finished enough this morning to realize that one must not become bogged down by the many travails - but to see from a great height what the story is saying.
Be born again! A man must be born again before he can enter the kingdom of heaven within his own body!
The casting out of the Garden of Eden takes place anytime around puberty. The first seal to be broken is the sexual seal. The second seal to be broken is the solar plexus which governs the emotions. The third seal to be broken is the heart which governs the emotions with love. The fourth seal to be broken is the throat which governs the voice of sound. The fifth seal to be broken is vision and perception which governs truth. The sixth seal to be broken is intellect which governs reason. The seventh seal to be broken is back down below - the base of the spine - the pilot light of the body, which can only be broken after the other six are re-kindled and mastered. Then the seventh seal is broken and thunder and lightening strike.
Then, when all is done, the body is at peace. The lamb is slain (the man-made individual) and sacrificed upon the altar of God. Given up for a greater entity which now comes forth. The wildness is killed in the sacrifice, and the gentleness and greatness of God comes in. The master comes home and sits upon the throne and rules in peace. Such a clumsy version of a great thing!
This is resuming one’s place in the Garden of Eden, which is inner, within.
Revelations 1:18: He “holds the key of death and hades.” The God-force is the power to ascend and become immortal. A person does not have to die, he may, if he masters himself, accelerate the molecules and atoms of his body to a higher plane and take his body with him into the higher plane where he may learn of higher things and expand -- all without discarding his body. Immortality is real.
My confusion up to now is this: I once thought that the arousal of the kundalini - the God-force in the body - was the real and final thing, the enlightenment and the transformation. But now I realize it is not. God does not step into his house until the kundalini - the God-force - has swept through it and cleansed it. The individual must first let it happen to him, and second, must then learn to direct his body’s energy so that he becomes the master of the house. THEN, God steps in and sits down on the throne, and the individual in the form of the slain lamb, joins with him. Unites with God and becomes one with Him. The two become one. It was very, very clear to me.
Stuff keeps coming. From a few days ago I wrote on notepaper to remember - Beauty and perpetual youth is the direct result of freedom from entanglement. Freedom from emotional resistance. And freedom from mental objections. Beauty and youth are the result of love for life and the eager acceptance of all situations that come along.
There are two kinds of energy. One is a spontaneous love for life which springs out of a love for God. This one is full of hope and springs out of bed in love. The other is a tense energy. This is the pure energy that has been allowed to be held back, thus it is dirtied and full of the individual’s emotional discharges. It is jerky, unreasonable, uncontrollable, because it has been compressed. It is not a healthy energy and leads to disease in the body and eventually death.
I’m not going to teach you how to meditate. I’m going to teach you how to live spontaneously as a young god should, using his love for life freely instead of holding it back. Then you won’t need to meditate. Your life will be an ongoing meditation, following the will of your God. The pure and innocent energy is always flowing through you. When you sleep, when you wake, when you are depressed, when you fight, when you talk, when you eat, when you walk, when you work. it never ever stops. It breathes through you giving you life. If you hold it back it gets compressed. Learn to breathe it out as freely as you breathe it in. Keep it pure.
There are six other centers that must be opened before the God-energy is yours. And in each of the six, you must become the controller, not let the newly released energy control you. You control the emotion, the emotion does not control you. You control the sex, the sex does not control you. You control your love, your love does not control you. You control your voice, your voice does not control you. You control your psychic ability to see the truth, your psychic ability does not control you. You control your intellect, your intellect does not control you. Then you will be the master of your body.
The body movements I do is the God-energy flowing through the body to balance the body with the environment outside. This slows down the explosive growth. Releases the high-level energy so it does not hurt inside. Integration is an important aspect of growth. Growth and integrate. Growth and blend with the whole. Grow and incorporate your growth into life. Grow and assimilate. Grow and help society to grow along with you. Otherwise you will burst upward in an explosive rate of speed and quickly be out of reach of the common man and woman who live around you. They will not understand. Hitler turned fanatic.
It is the safer route to let a young god grow in disguise in his society til he is the master of his life. His beauty will be seen but not touted. His ability will grow to be accepted as something from within the society. The young god will be accepted instead of rejected as super-normal and different.
God talks to you through friends, husband, wife, children. I’ll show you how. This is important to understand how to unfold from within, rather than rely on outside changes. You change your Self!
Bob told me while making love this morning that I should learn how to squeeze my vaginal muscles for the man as he withdraws and pushes back inside again. This makes him food good and keeps him hard. He had had an erection earlier and it went down. Now he had another erection go down on him. Over the last week I had been talking quite loosely about men who could not keep an erection and blamed the woman., or some other thing rather than look to himself to find the answer. When Bob said this to me I thought, “Humph! He should learn how to control his own sexual powers. I’ve learned how to control mine!” I was angry and I debated as to whether to tell him. One thought said, “No, you can’t tell him because he will have a deflated ego and it will be worse for him than even now.” Another thought said, “Yes, tell him. If you love him and care for him, you will tell him! That is the only way to make him become aware of what to do.” Another thought said, “Yes, but if I tell him he will not accept it. At least, he has never accepted this philosophy from me before. There is no reason to think that he will change this time. He is sure that the fault lies with the woman.”
Four different lines of reasoning, each with a valid truth of its own. Which do I accept? Confusion is the result. Do you know what I did? I decided not to say a thing. I wiped all concern from my mind, and to prevent it from becoming a hassle (which it had every possibility of becoming) I jumped out of bed and began my day. Bob looked at me with a puppy’s hurt look, surprise written all over his face, but I persisted. I wiped him from my mind. But, note! I did not intend to bury it! I wanted more time to think.
As I did my movements and meditations in the warm mid-day sun (we get up late) I realized that what Bob said was true. Sure, all the other thoughts I had were true, too. But I realized that if I were going to grow and accept input, that I had to accept that what Bob said was true. As I absorbed this realization, my defenses began to relax. I became softer and more gentle. I absorbed and assimilated this new awareness. And I was glad that I did not answer him quickly, before I had assimilated the whole thing.
This is an excellent example of how to turn a potential wrong, a potential explosion, a potential run-away emotion which could have resulted in an angry argument - and change it into a tool for inner growth. I grew! I became a bigger person. I came out ahead. I came out feeling at peace with myself. Did Bob grow? No. (At least not that I know.) Did Bob become a bigger person? No. Did Bob come out ahead? No. Did Bob come out feeling at peace with himself? No. So it goes with many - yes, many - of our interactions.
The mind does not want to admit that someone else is right. But they are if you want to grow. They speak to you as a message from God, in disguise, so you can reject Him if you wish. The energy is there. The energy is there inside of you, in your attitude, to transform your life and start cultivating your psychic powers. The powers of a god.
June 20, 1976
(Costa Rica) I was in the movements several days ago and again, I thought of this direction people talk about. I must learn to direct this force that has been happening to me, but ---- it was all wrong! It just wasn’t right to manipulate it that way. I dug deeply into myself, like a tree digs its roots deep into black soil, and I thought almost with a shudder - No. I can’t control life - I am life - it controls me. I give myself to life. I felt like a rock, so firm, so sure. I felt like the earth, so balanced and so open to whatever comes my way because life has a purpose and a direction which necessitates every part of it to pull together. Who am I to know what this path is?? How can I assume to know and to change things? Only when the time is right, am I told what to do and when. But until then I can only listen, absorb and be at peace.
With that, the movement took me to bend over and reach the tiles, touch them beneath me. I was so at peace with myself and the earth. And deep, deep inside where no one could possibly see the action, I grasped a hint of the unlimited that I used to seek outside in books and with my mind. I wish I could give myself to it faster. The more I give myself to it the surer and more astounding is my life and my capabilities. I feel a non-tangible sense of something impossible to describe - sort of like something is surrounding me with total absorption powers. It absorbs and absorbs and I am at one with it. It is warm, peaceful, like someone who cares is holding me, someone who cares very much, but more than I could conceive. The feeling is that I should not try to understand it, but lie with it peacefully and let it absorb me.
I trust it ultimately. It is the only thing I can truly trust for it has no mind - it just is there, rock firm and never to go away. It is the reason I can do the things I do more and more. I am changing. People will notice the changes and will wonder how such a once-quiet person could be so drastically loud!! That is why, I guess, I am writing these things, for future reference, but more for those who are trying to find answers themselves. Trust yourself, trust yourself like you have never trusted anyone before. Should you be at the point of death you give yourself over to this power of life. Why not give yourself to it now?
My direction is simple. Since I have been advised that I should direct this force, all energy I feel - I am talking about a definite movement out of the ordinary now - is to be directed back into myself. To make me more flexible to it, to mold me more and more into it. I have had glimpses of things to come if I persevere. In fact, last week I spent several days with such a feverish energy flow no one could have stopped me if I had had something to do! But as it was, there was not much to do. Although Bob and I have several courses going but they are going smoothly. Life is easy and good here. The time spent on the patio - I have a sense that it is an extraordinary time of my life and that I should appreciate it - it may not last. I am in and out of the water. I feel so sensitive to everything but especially to my own body, flesh and blood and movements. Deep within the flesh I can feel it, it’s amazing. Usually you only sense yourself on the surface of the skin as contact with something else occurs. But you really can become sensitized so that you are conscious, feeling and aware of your body inside and out. People whom I’ve mentioned this to don’t believe me. I wish I could teach them how, but of course, I can’t.
I keep digging deeper, reaching deeper inside myself. Standing very still looking over the valley and towards San Jose, I stand there often. I wonder what Bob really thinks I’m doing! Time seems to stand still as I am so aware of myself. My attention is drawn almost like a magnetic attraction to somewhere deep inside myself. Never unconscious, as I was telling M and M, it is not a trance. I am never more alert, I may not respond to a sudden noise as though I were alert. But that is because I am in touch with more important things. But a curious thing, and I think a key point in this whole thing -- my conscious perception seems to go inward only so far and then it stops. I can imagine and conjure as best I can, but beyond that edge I cannot go. And yet, as time goes on and with practice, this edge keeps deepening. So I keep try8ing to go deeper, trying to grasp and understand what I am doing, what I am contacting, because strength comes with conscious knowledge. Unconscious does me no good. I am sure this is meditation, but I am equally sure that people who practice it don’t practice it sufficiently, or to their capacity. Else we would have some remarkably talented people around and I don’t see too many. Sometimes, I wonder where they are because I can’t be the only one who’s contacting this thing. To quote: strength is born of knowledge. The more I understand who and what I am REALLY, the stronger I am and the more I can do. Such strength will be felt by the society, it is not, as something, a plaything to while away empty hours. It is a positive flow of energy. Once stimulated into being it will affect people and it cannot be turned back.
In D I see something interesting. He desires to change and to understand, perhaps very much. But he is idly wishing and not doing anything about it. What I see is this: the fountain of energy which is D’s intelligence and life force, is flowing through him at a set speed. It cannot be increased or slowed down at will. Just as you can’t intensify the light in a room by sitting and wishing it to be. You have to actually do something to add more energy to it, to put more fuel on the fire. There are natural laws that govern life and there is no exception to the rules. It behooves us deeply to know what those laws are. I wish I could write about them but they are so deeply spiritual, for lack of a better word, and they are so flexible and adaptable to the individual, that I can’t.
With D, he wants to feel more affection for his wife. He wants to do this strongly because he is unhappy as he is now - cold and unaffectionate. But he simply talks about it and he talks to her about it and he tries to explain it, but nothing happens. Such feelings will never come until he actually performs an act of affection and not just with words. He must force a flow of energy. He must be willing to do this. Which of course he isn’t. If he were, he would have done it long ago. So that the choice privilege - the freedom of will - lies in choosing to do something, being willing to do it, to try it even if it fails. He must simulate affection, even if he doesn’t feel it. If he wants to change he MUST. Then and only then, will he expand himself. In fact, he could not stop the expansion from happening once he gave this fuel to the fire of life. It would take care and take over. This is the whole essence of letting life work through you. Take the opportunities, choose the direction, add the wood to the fire by making the initial action, and then step back. Take on the pose of ultra alertness and observe what happens. This is a true chemical action. A true law of nature and one that cannot be recalled or changed. It is irrefutable.
Be aware of the negative actions - they work the same way.
November 9, 1982
(Costa Rica). I am in the middle of the Duck Conference. This place is a madhouse. I have resigned myself to staying here in the room. There are such forces my head swirls and my body is numb. I open the door to Meicel, a rush sweeps in with her and I can barely speak to her. This is literal. A strange emptying sensation so that there is no energy left in me. I do not understand it but have little cerebral energy to spend on it! [Leaving out some personal info.] I am quite at peace with the destiny of Costa Rica. It will reach. It is a special place. There is a power here. Edmundo says it is in the land. He says it has always been a place for spiritual groups. My kundalini was awakened here - and forces swirl around me when I enter this country. They die when I leave.
Yesterday in the hospitality suite there were many people. I was drained and ineffective so I went into the bedroom to compute the commodity reversals (Bob was busy.) Suddenly I stood up and said to Russ who was lying on the bed resting, “I am dizzy. I feel so funny, as though a shift is taking place in my head or being.” I finished the numbers, called them in to Helga (she’s so good) and went out onto the patio. It was 4:30 pm. I put down my little fluffy rug and put the prayer bench to the side for later. I stood at the railing and looked down into the courtyard of the Irazu Hotel. The swimming pool to the right, a bridge laid across it. The manicured gardens with emerald green grass, pampa grass clumps huge and round, banana trees, exotic palms, papayas, flagstone walks, huge split-leaf philodendrons smothering the A-frame cocktail lounge. The sky was taking on the color of the evening, the lights were coming on in the valley. I could just barely see them over the buildings.
The last time I entered myself was 4 or 5 days ago. Now, once again, noise, forces, confusion began to subside as I willed it to, finally gave in. Gently I moved, self-conscious of the people sitting down below, of being on display. I decided not to care. The current ran gently, and I obliged it, flowing slowly. The booties on my feet, soft on the furry rug. The air was fresh and clean. I am apart of this land. Perhaps not the land. Perhaps it is a space in time to which I belong. Yes, I think that is what it is. For whatever reason I cannot fathom or explain, I feel a connection here that I do not feel in other places. There is a peace, sort of like home. Yet, there is an urge.
The sky is darkening, my movements becoming stronger. Voices from the other room. The bedroom behind me through the glass windows has people in it. I do not turn around. The telephone rings. My head swirls. I will myself to the movements within. Magnetic. I feel a magnetism pulling me. I do not fight it. I am swirling with the power. I do not know what the power is but it is OK. I am here now and I go with it. Waiters with dishes rattling. Buffet is being set up somewhere. Ice clinking in glasses. I open my eyes to the west where the light is pink and rose and something enfolds me in its warmth. I am home here. I love this place. “I love the world” I am saying to myself. I am surprised. Why do I love the world?
What is it that I feel? I cannot reach any words to define it. It is just a little beyond me, yet it is closer than anything else external. It is inside of my heart, inside of my soul. It is closer than my own body and there is a communication of some kind, something intangible and happy. My job is to write of these things and to bridge that gap between this world and that. This is my destiny. The gap has existed too long. The world of physical logical is surging upward to meet the light of the world beyond this one. That is the urge that the people are feeling. And if their minds cannot accept, then that is the reason why they are suffering. They must yield. They must, else they will suffer.
My mind is acutely aware. The magnetism is swirling like an invisible fire around me. I feel its power, its heat which is not a heat. It is around me and in me, sweeping in great waves upward from somewhere below my head. I am conscious only of my head. It is sweeping me above my head. I am riding a whirlwind and I am safe because I do not fight it. The people in the other room are tools, too, they are allowing the force to use them - the economics of this country is at stake. The power is in the money scene. That is the power I feel.
There is a sensation beginning down below the small of the back, on either side of the spinal column - spreading outwards above the buttocks. Quite distinct. I’ve felt it before. It is like the pleasurable sensations after an orgasm, mild, peaceful, fulfilling, physical. It is as though it has already been done - the orgasm I mean. It is not the anticipation of something to come, rather it is the fulfillment of the aftermath. I believe that is why the sexual orgasm is performed - to reach this same state of happiness and fulfillment. I believe that sex is the only way for a person with an unawakened kundalini to reach such balance. But once kundalini awakens, since the body yields within itself to the power currents within, then it has no need for sex. It may use it, yes, but now it is not so critical because there is another way. That is the time when I feel the urge to separate from other activities and go alone within myself and do the physical movements. But physical movements are not enough. There is an unspoken, unseen movement that must accompany it - the attitudinal movement of yielding. Of letting go. I wonder if this is a special art? Bob says that when he goes within himself he gets more confused. He becomes more introspective and he doesn’t like what he sees. He is not contacting the same space I am.
The sky is darkening. The light in the west is almost gone. The noise is high behind me, behind the glass wall of the bedroom. The courtyard below takes on a mellow glow of evening and conversation. The forces are swirling with more powerful magnetism in my head. My arms move as though on a puppets string, a string connected to an unseen will. What is it? I watch my hands. I am only an observer and I don’t know what position they will take next. They move of their own accord. My body bends, my legs stretch into a yoga type position, the sensation of physical peace, of physical well-being spreads through my nervous system. I think it is the nervous system. I can’t be sure. I wish there were a way to measure it, to know what is happening in my body. I want to learn. I want to talk of it. So few people know, or care, or feel the import. The rarity of the thing is a disadvantage to learning.
The sweeping upward continues in waves. The physical movement is slowing down. I am in the position of prayer, kneeling, my hands are sweeping up over my head, down at my sides. I do not will it. I have already submitted. The current flows, my head is light, swirling. Swirling. The power is one of great empathy. Lest the reader not understand - behind the power is a great compassion, a great healing compassion. A love. A wonderful thing. It is to this that I yield without doubt, with total trust. It is the source of my whole being, of my whole mind, of my whole soul. I would not exist except for this that has no name. It is the father, the creator of my being. I am of this power. There is no separation between me and it except for the limitation of my ph8socal body. For these brief two hours or so, I withdraw to the opening - only at the opening can I feel the truth of what I just said. When I am back in my body, working in the body, I cannot feel it any more. I am too focused in this world. I love this space. I love the uniting. I love the light. I love the power. I am the power. There is nothing that cannot be willed, be accomplished at this place. I am one with the source of life - and from this space I so love the world and the people within the world that I could not - would not impose myself upon them. They are evolving as they should. I would ease the pain if it comes close enough for me to touch it, but there is a wide space between me and the pain normally, and I cannot close the gap without adding to the hurt. They must evolve and come to me. They must overcome their own restriction to reach me. The boundary is of their own making. I cannot break through their boundary without setting them backward. And so I wait. And I am convinced that they will come closer as time continues on.
The fire in me is sweeping upward still. So powerful, it is swirling in a spiral upward through the very center of my body. It never ceases. I am lying down now, my back to the furry rug, my feet upon the prayer bench. My green garment which Kathy made is loose around me. Suddenly Russ bursts into the bedroom, his voice loud calling back over his shoulder. Suddenly the power doubles in strength in my head and I am almost knocked over. It is unbelievable the power that exists here in this room. Bob is following. They are speaking about Pam and Mary Ann coming to the workshop tomorrow. There is misunderstanding. They are calling on the telephone. There are sobs in my body - involuntary sobs - an agony and a compassion but it does not touch me - it is removed. It seems to reach inward into spaces I don’t know about and engulfs a whole area of my being that I am not familiar with. The fire reaches outward to Mary Ann and Pam. I speak to them and tell them that it is alright to come to the workshop. They hear me. Bob is pleading with them at the same time over the telephone. The mind which is working through me and through Bob and through Russ is now contacting Mary Ann and Pam, telling them to bridge this gap that was created by BW and Bartlett, whoever he is. The disagreement is unimportant compared to the importance of this conference. This presence which is behind it all, which I am now at one with, is desirous of unifying all parties. Unity is the only salvation for this country. Motives are unimportant. Disagreements are unimportant. Egos are unimportant, selfish gain is unimportant. The greater importance is this country. There is a destiny that must be met. The individuals who are holding out for more power, more money, more whatever, are going to be hurt. Unity is the only salvation. There is a destiny waiting.
Bob and Russ have hung up the phone and it is quiet. They have returned to the other room. The fire still burns and swirls around me, lifting me upward into other dimensions. Yet I am here. Yet I am there. I am everywhere - everywhere that is pertinent right now. Mary Ann - Pam - me - I am speaking to them silently. The phone rings. Pam is ringing. It will be alright. They will agree to come. They have yielded, not entirely, but sufficiently. Another gap has been bridged. Bob comes and answers it. I do not hear what they are saying but I know they are agreeing to come. It is as it is supposed to be.
The swirling continues. I recline. I sit up and recline again. I turn and look and Meicel is watching me. I smile and she comes and kneels at the window louvers which are open. Through them she asks how is it out there? It is beautiful I say. I ask her how is it in there? Busy she says. She asks me if I want some wine now. No I say. A little bit later. I am not ready. She leaves. What can I do to tell the world about the compassion that waits for them?
October 16, 1982
(Florida) Seminar 6 couples - 4 paid and two invited guests. E & T, J & A, C & D, D & B were among paid guests. Plus two unknown couples. Later after it was over, smoked a little and had a brownie. Made love with Clyde - high - intense - together. His brilliance is noble, impression of unlimited strength, wings, feather wings, galaxies, clouds, mightiness - illusion? Who knows. It’s there right now and I am open - not to him in physical form but to that grandeur which is coming through him. As he pumps, stops, withdraws, to repeat the process I see across the confines of physical matter and no longer two physical bodies but pure energy - electric fire. There is a grid system laying across my uterus, just beyond the vagina. He’s trying to penetrate it. No, he’s trying to reach it just to touch it. It’s the power of life and he’s trying to make contact. All he has to do is touch it and he’ll explode, he’ll connect. And the fire will spread lightening fast from the tip of his penis through the nine systems to his own power source behind his organs and the explosion will be the beginning of creation. I see the secret of life. If I were fertile, if he is fertile, the explosion will impregnate my seed with a new life - but it is not my time of month. The web of life - radiant - gold light.
After, I lean back amazed at the power of what I see - saw - and I try to tell him. Does he know? If he does he’s not saying. I get the feeling he exists on other dimensions - too great for this confined world. His brain, his body, has not been prepared to receive the better part of him. I don’t think he knows - only intuitively.
I still try to tell him. “I don’t need to have an orgasm for the explosion to happen. Only you do. A woman’s power is embedded deep inside. That’s the magnet that draws the man. It is his spirit trying to make contact with mine to give him the ‘charge‘”. It is a literal charge. His penis needs to penetrate the inner grid system. It lies at the doorway of the womb, the uterus lies inside the “ball of fire“. I’ve seen it clairvoyantly. There’s a ball of light sitting within the pelvic bowl in the ethereal plane. The man must penetrate to touch it. Must touch it to get his charge. Must get his charge to blow out his tubes, unblock the tensions, free up the power lines and allow an inrush of freshness, purity, dynamic new vitality.
It’s the same thing that happens when I do my movements. It’s a long time I’m with him. Finally, reluctantly we know we are missed and leave my room. The country music still playing. Shower together. I wash him, he washes me, no talk. The magnetism flowing with revelations. I see so much. I am being imprinted with knowledge - knowledge of another world not this one, of another galaxy far removed from this one. I want to capture it - hold it in my mind to put down on paper for others - but it won’t lock into place. It is illusive like trying to capture the sunlight filtering through the trees. I see it - I’m bathed in it. I know its essence but it cannot be gasped. It doesn’t belong to this world. I am merely a recipient momentarily of a cosmic flow and I have no rights to it. No monopoly. I realize I am part of the flow momentarily - while my brain has loosened its hold on me - for a little while I am sheer power - unconfined and I move through the spaces happily bouncing off of Clyde because he’s there too. I know. I know but we can’t talk about it. It won’t be captured by our bodies, or our tongues, or our minds. I play in the sunlight of the galaxies. Finally we leave the shower and dry off.
The living room is dark with candles glowing. I am laughing - I can’t help it - as I enter and sit by Bob’s feet. Bob leans over and whispers, “We made a boo-boo. Everyone paired off with friends and L and P didn’t go with anyone.” (Paula indicated she would only go with a group scene.) I turned to Larry - the power still flowing in me - and said, “Do you want to go with me?”
October 24, 1982
(Florida, I am 44 years old) Sunday, a VERY good party. Mellow, sweet and happy. Everything flowed beautifully.
Into my movements today out back, in the far left corner by the fence. I am suddenly aware of the light in the pelvic bowl and simultaneously of my whole body. I see the outer me like a dead shell enclosing a source of light in the pelvic region. The deadness is striking! The body is aging and dying. The brain, the eyes, the organs, arms, legs, the whole thing is only a casing. It was created merely to house the Force - the Presence. But, where is the force?
It is bubbling up from below, like a tiny light that is growing and spreading upwards. The body is dead, it cannot operate at all by itself. It is being generated from this light. I see the reason why people are confused! I can see it! There are thousands of tiny streams - pinstripes - entering the body from outside. There is a stream of input from outside the body, from other sources. Sources other than the self.
Tiny, hair-like lines are entering the body through the skin, wending their way into the interior of the body, deeper and deeper, criss-crossing each other in tiny delicate patterns, weaving a complex web of artificial beliefs. Laying a garment over the Self, but a garment made of other people’s lives and beliefs. The real self who lives inside, the force, the presence, is being drowned out. What is this web that is woven into the very fabric of our bodies? Being absorbed into our blood streams and nerve centers? It is not light like the Light in the pelvic bowl, it is simply energy. Steadily, with relentless consistency and perseverance, outside influences pour into the body via these roadways, no thicker than a spider’s webbing.
Constantly, with hardly a break in the flow, those contrary ideas enter the Self and penetrate deeper and deeper til finally the light itself begins to look dull. The will of the individual allows it. The self, the holy presence of self, located at the center of the body in the pelvic region: the home of instinct, the heart of individuality, is killed. I can see it: it looks like a battle - the inflowing streams of other people’s thoughts and ideas converging on the streamlets of light. The darker streams coming down from the head, the light streams coming up from the pelvic bowl., meeting, converging. Which is stronger? In my case, the light is stronger. I am generating it every day, as I do my movements. And I do not answer the telephones, even for friends, except for an occasional purpose. I do not read the newspapers. I do not watch the news. I do not discuss world affairs with Bob. I do not involve myself with mundane activities of other people. I seldom leave the house except for a social affair. I am fairly well insulated from the confusions going on around us. But what of other people? How can they hope to overcome this constant pummeling from without?
Inpouring confusion, inpouring turmoil, inpouring dogmas, inpouring family beliefs, inpouring expectations, inpouring cultural patterns, inpouring political, economic, religious, philosophical views, inpouring news, inpouring TV shows, inpouring problems, everything is inpouring! Versus - what? How much light is coming out? So little, I think. It is no wonder the people are confused. It was never meant to be this way. The light in the center of the bowl is the Self - the real person. Individuality which is constantly on the march for expression, and constantly in battle with friends and family who would repress it. The enemy is in one’s own house: family, friends, work associates, and one’s own weak will. Freedom to be is no laughing matter, no obscure thing. It is the greatest pursuit of life: freedom. It means exactly that. I feel free even as I am insulated from the world. I am free to be me.
All of this mixed bag of potpourri has nothing - nothing! - to do with the self. It is like a dirty rag thrown over a radiant, crystal pure light. I see it! Indeed, it lays a dirty shadow over that radiance. Hiding the light under a bushel, the Presence of Selfhood within. I see it and I know how it works. Solution is to have a strong sense of self and a strong will to accomplish one’s personal desires. Don’t swerve from your personal course. Your personal course is your destiny, is freedom, is required. Stop talking and do something you want to do. Anything! I tell Bob - don’t talk any more about Bobby. Do something! So many people believe in the democratic way. That is fine for people who do not have any power. But for someone who wants to become free - it is not the way. Free to be is free to act - finally act.
That’s the light. Self is personal intuition, personal choice. It doesn’t pass through the brain. It radiates directly upward from the pelvic source. It passes through the nerves - at least in me it does - and my body perceives it before my brain. I feel it. It radiates directly form the pelvic source through the nervous system to the whole body. The whole body picks it up at the same time that the brain does - not before. The brain is not the initiator. It is the observer. The brain cannot initiate an intuitive feeling, nor a psychic experience, nor a revelation. It is felt all over and the brain observes. I sometimes see the brain observing. I stopped just now to look inward again. I let go, or give up, or step back, whatever the wording is, I release control of the body and then I feel the gentle movement of the force swaying through me, and the presence is there - like a unifying thing - pulling it all together. It is quite beautiful. I am trying to be objective. How I wish I could be more objective. And yet, perhaps I would lose the wonderful sensations I feel.
The chief number one argument is: “But it takes the brain to pick up the fact of movement. Without the brain, you would never perceive that you are moving.” And I disagree. The out-of-body experiences confirm that the Observer, the Intelligent Resident, the Self, continues to think, perceive, make decisions, choices, even when the brain is sleeping or even dead. Especially this is confirmed by those who clinically died and then decided to return, to reactivate the body. Finally, the day has arrived where we have some proof. Perhaps not proof as science would demand, but proof for beginning researchers to use as guide-finders.
There is a larger Self which resides in the body. I AM that Self.
I should speak of the party. The first couple to arrive was E & T who came while I was still in my meditation room. At 6:00 J & S arrived, a young couple dressed as master and slave. [It was a Halloween costume party] She with a leather leash attached to a collar. He with a black leather vest and jeans, beard, glasses and smoking a pipe. She beautiful, brunette, black gown, bare shoulders. I pulled out cheese, beef stick, sweet mustard and crackers and knelt by the coffee table. I was in a mellow space. S & J sat around. Bob was showering.
Slowly they came, one couple after another, and Bob came out dressed in too-large ears, Groucho Marx glasses and nose, huge cigar, striped bathing trunks and island shirt. He looked ridiculous! But funny. A little jerky at first, becoming smooth as people found each other they had met before, and perhaps swung with. Twenty-three couples came, half of them in costume. Beautiful costumes. J & P as Pocahontas and Julius Caesar. P & D as shah and harem girl, D & L as aristocrats from ancient Greece, somebody in Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy outfits (couldn’t see faces and they didn’t speak) later found out they were A & J who are going to sit the house while we go to Costa Rica.
At 7:30 Bob announced everybody in a circle, sit or stand. They did all around the living room. Tiki torches burned outside, lights burned inside. Jaccuzzi going outside. Food in kitchen waiting to be placed on the long tables on the patio. Cold, crisp air. Bob made announcements: massage table, oil, foot stool, sail boat wanted for club cruise. Hands? Ten, no more. Bed layouts, two vans parked out back, mats in office, three in back bedroom, two in master bedroom. Potsmokers limited to music room. (Music room during swing parties, meditation room during days)
Then he passed the introduction card, first reading out his own name, age, etc. Questions were, Do you like bi? Are you bi? Do you like group sex? Do you like one-on-one? This turned out to be a catalyst for everyone - the focal point of conversation. Everything flowed. When done, Bob said, “Food in ten minutes” and I jumped to start running with dishes. It was easy. S & J helped - did everything! I did so little. Wine glasses with short candles, two long tables covered with dishes - everyone brought something. Meatloaf, spaghetti, finger foods, macaroni, salad, broccoli, mixed vegetables, stroganoff, noodles, lettuce salad, deviled eggs, salads, fruit salads, zebra cake, cherry cheese cake, and more.
We were eating in half an hour. I cruised around, watched, listened. Everything went smoothly. I forgot Bob, forgot Jim, forgot Shirley, these were my children - they were expectant and I was pleased. Kept my eye on Clyde - special case - and Roger - shy. Watched Ed, can be hurt easily. Sis caught my arm in the kitchen: is D & L coming? I know there’s unease between the two couples. Pretty Sis, golden blond hair hanging in waves, ivory skin, patches of red on her cheek, long dark eyelashes, pretty heart-shaped mouth - the prettiest girl here, dressed like a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. Her husband B wearing a real revolver (says the pin is out) a real cowboy, rugged and not quite trustworthy. They have problems but I don’t worry. It’s all come out OK. Besides, D & L aren’t here yet - they may not come. Kitchen is packed. More in the kitchen than in the living room. R & G come through with clothing bags: “Where can I put these?” I point her to our clothes closet. 45-50 brand new swingers, adapting well. P & D - he elegant in a blue turban with a jewel in front (and one in his naval as well), blue vest exposing his chest, dark mustache and bony cheeks - he looks real. P, nervous as usual, pretty green harem outfit with gold string around her waist, little silver cap on top of brunette. Thin face, nerve lines around mouth. She’s trying - they’re having hard time swinging. Phone rings: it’s for P. She talks, their son, 16, just had a car collision. Spend next 45 minutes on phone. Not hurt. They’re anxious. They stay. Get with G & J, another couple having a hard time. They’re all at different stages.
L & C, younger couple - 28/30 - come in, he with diapers and tee shirt, she with pigtails and bobby socks - his baby sitter. They’re loose, they swing often with J & P. B & E who almost split out over swinging but decided to try together again after receiving my letter and are happy. Before night's through J & P have them under their wing - and J & S too. J & P are leaders. Cute and sexy. D & G in their 50’s, she in old maids outfit - he nervous as always. Stand in corner. L, obviously negroid, and D arrive late - he handsome with black cape and top hat, she in white gown, more friendly than usual. Defensive problems due to mixed marriage.
L & E, he a hobo scratching his open fly, top hat, ragged clothes, smiling, happy, takes care of me later. E with legit turkish peasant outfit. Smiling, happy, voyeur, 50’s, neat people, our favorites. She’s bi, wants me but I say no. L fills in for her. Sitting around, eating off paper plates everywhere. B & P, he Dracula and looks genuine with white face, black rimmed eyes, real, long mustache, long black hair, cape. She tall, elegant, green gown, white face, dark eyes, Mrs. Dracula, sitting in dining room to eat. Smooth - everywhere smooth. I cruise. Lots of bodies. I get camera. Take pictures. People respond. Run out of film. Lights out, candles lit. L & D,
L & E to smoking room, no longer a music room.
I get plate and heap now-cool food on. Kneel at coffee table with glass of wine. B comes to join me. P’s sitting in chair nearby. B & S move in. That’s good I think. I stay apart. R keeps moving in on me. I let him but I know he’s only sticking close because he’s shy and he knows only me. I think he’s handsome even without his teeth. He doesn’t smile broad enough to show. Mustache hangs over. Glasses - J thinks he’s simple but I like him. I like the simple people. His M is having fun, shy and giggley, moving around. They’re practicing mixing and doing pretty well. She’s epileptic and almost illiterate. He works for the State Department. They found us by finding an address book on the street - one had our names in it under “swingers”. Somebody lost it, never found out who. They called us. B & S get with D & L who came late - talked it out - things OK now.
D is sitting alone by chair. I look for M, so shy and retiring - she’s sitting uncomfortable on kitchen chair. I’m going to move in on D. Leave M to her own devices. He looks unhappy. He’s shy but comes with me to jaccuzzi, and from jaccuzzi to music room. No one’s there. Leave door open and make love. Nice. Smooth. Long-lasting. I don’t come. He does. I don’t want to tell him. We talk about M. We stay longer than should. I feel M. She’s wondering. Anxious. We leave - it’s about 11:00 now. I cruise. Bump into D - he’s cruising too, wants to go with me. I don’t want to go with him. I leave. Bodies in the office room. Everywhere. D & M dressed and leaving. She in the lead, he following with their pot of spaghetti. I say good-bye. She’s unhappy. It’s OK. No problems, normal. I think, though, I should arrange a real lover for M next time. She’s a hard one to come, needs great care. I want to do something for her, for them. Pass R, B, B, where’s C? With Betty?
Living room’s empty, then filled. Jaccuzzi‘s red light, cauldron, seething in the cold night air, filled. Then empty. Bodies in the master bedroom. Groans, cries, softness, no friction. Mellow. L on floor, C and S working him, movement. Softness. P & D coming back from van with G & J. D moves in, touches, forces himself - we’ve never made love yet. When? Now. We enter the music room. He’s nervous. Nothing, talkative, having trouble, getting used to it. I oil him down, take him in my mouth, erection, come. No problem. He talks more mellow. We don’t stay as long this time. Leave. Country music. The house is quiet, is rolling through the night like a heavy but well-oiled wagon. Passion and lust are touched with love and tenderness. It is what I had hoped for and planned for and prepared for.
Tired, tinged with exhaustion. Why? Night’s moving into dawn. 2 am. L moves in, wants me - determination. Hesitate, move with him. Why does he want me? He knows he has to work to make me come? He does it again. He‘s lovely! Soft lips, tender lips - is he doing this especially for E for me? He makes love not sex - tenderness, sweet, exhaustion gives in to feeling. Nice. Building. Slow. Move onto bed - everyone is gone. We‘re alone. Vibrator. Building. Coming. People look in - Bob‘s there. He heard. People leaving. Don‘t care. L wants to come. Wish he didn‘t. Take him in mouth, build up - come quickly. Over. He‘s neat! Everybody‘s gone. Almost.
C & D are here - favorites. Love them. He‘s shy, doesn‘t like people, x-hippy, big, muscular, long hair, square heavy jaw. Can‘t play flirting game with him. I sit with him. Communication is not in words. He‘s been with three women - I go to jaccuzzi - D follows, sits down on gravel and talks. She‘s happy because C‘'s happy. More at peace with each other. He comes, moves car, Debbie‘s still talking. Night drifts on. Want to go to bed. Finally they leave. S, J, B, me - sit, little talk - all happy. Smooth. 4:30 bed. Bob went with G and came, J and didn‘t come, S and didn‘t come.
March 1, 1981
(Costa Rica) Things are coming from all directions. Or am I expanding in all directions? It is speeding up again. For awhile after returning to Florida it slowed down, reaching its lowest ebb while we stayed for the last two days after a swingers cruise with S and A at Bay Point outside of Miami. The cruise was quite a wonderful, exciting adventure, but though they expected more from us, I was pooped out. The party was over.
Now, at the home of the L's last night [back in Costa Rica] I re-discovered some old books in their tiny library. As Bob and Marg sat discussing the affairs of the collapsed economy of Costa Rica and the world in general as it affected the working man, and after Maynard went off to bed so he could get up early and play golf, I was drawn in the darkness of the candle-lit dining room irresistibly to those shelves. I pulled out a book printed in the 1800’s by an enlightened man by the name of leReaux in Michigan. It had gold printing on an old dark blue cover, tattered at the edges. I opened it and began to read under the hall light. It was a translation from the writings of a magician during the years between 1501 and 1550 when he was attempting to pull together and make some order out of those esoteric and ancient truths that had come tumbling down through the ages with little coherency except to those who seem to know, somehow. This morning as I write I am still vibrating with the glimpses revealed to me then, for as we drove home I was on a cloud of light.
When we climbed into bed it seemed the very heavens were pushed back for me. I felt as though I were waking up from a long sleep. How could this be, I thought to myself? I could see beyond the reasoning mind, or was it that the reasoning grew up in one single jump, far beyond its old outposts? I know more today than I did yesterday and the knowledge is stupendous. But it is knowledge about which I cannot write yet. Although one thing I know with an absoluteness that defies proof. And that is that there are beings, intelligent beings helping me, and probably helping others, too. I can see them with those faculties that perceive things not physical.
With these same faculties I saw the first glimpses while we were still in Florida. We had gone out to eat at a seafood restaurant, just Bob and me, and I had smoked a marijuana cigarette alone before we left. Though I do not smoke often, perhaps two a month, on those occasions when I do it is always a revelation of extraordinary dimensions. On this occasion as we sat in a second class restaurant near the water dipping lobster into melted butter, I looked through the dark window pane to the even darker trees on the other side of the road and saw instead of the darkness a sea of something indescribable. It was an essence like a heat mirage from the road in the distance. It was a lovely thing, alive, not solid, not liquid, not gas, not space, not sound, not color, but it was something else unnameable. Yet it is more alive, more intelligent and more knowledgeable and more perfect and more compassionate than any of the above. If I had to choose a name for this unnameable essence, it would be intelligence. Intelligence that is refined to such perfection and including all beneath it, that it became beauty and loveliness - a thing to be desired. There was a magnetism that drew me irresistibly to forget all else around me. It was absorbing me and teaching me at the same time.
As I watched the movements of this lovely essence, for it never stopped its action which radiated with purpose, I saw it consolidating and stopping here and there, falling to a close or an end, though all around it the action continued. And each stopping point was a human consciousness that could not comprehend any more. That was its limit of reason. Then I realized the science of astrology for each stopping point fixed it at a certain place and time. Therefore a man born in 1510 in Europe, for example, would have had a life totally different from that same consciousness if it were born again in 1924 in Chicago.
And then between the verbal conversation which I was carrying on with Bob, I saw the lightening of the ages, the thinning out and elevating of the years and the coming gifts that will arrive from the ancients who watch us. Those marvelous, non-selfish, human beings who are helping us by stimulating our instincts for growth, the genetic implants within us which have been so slow in developing, And as they stimulate us with visions and dreams and thoughts, we learn to let go and move on.
Do I dare form the words that are hanging in the hallway of my mind? If I were living in 1510 would I have gotten this far? Surely not. But today is a new time and a new space, and I am at the brink of breaking through and expressing that which I am. Only then can I go on and continue my journey through the rarefied mists of intelligence beyond.
As I lay last night in the arms of Bob, cuddling against his hairy chest and feeling my skin melt into his, the cells jumping in my leg muscles, my stomach, arms, head and ;skin. It prickled all over as though being charged with electricity. I wanted to jump out of bed and run through the house and out of doors and shout that I am free! Something inside of me wanted to do just that, but I couldn’t. That would have pushed me beyond reason and I must fight to stay within the confines of logic. Hard to do but consciousness expands slowly, so a physical acceptance can keep up with it, all moving together in a delicate balance. The limits of that balance are the limits of sanity. It is no wonder that those who have glimpsed these things have often flipped out. A glimpse into the unknown is the thinning away of the barriers that protect us - the barrier that enfolds us as the shell of an egg protects the delicate yoke inside. Some call it the aura but it is the protective veil that shields us from too much of the cosmic power that sizzles with a life beyond our ability to handle. And thus we stop there. It is the edge of our consciousness. And slowly we push upon it. Only subtle thinning is safe. The mild, gentle learning, all within reason, within “time”, within the ability of the environment to handle it, for an opening in this veil is an entry point of this power into the world. It is an awesome power and we must become responsible.
And further, I saw something which still lingers in me awaiting capture and definition. It concerns the wondrous art of meditation. So many people want to meditate and yet, very few are successful in their attempts and are thus living in a frustration which need not be. Meditation lies not in the technique. It lies not in what you do with your hands, your feet, your sitting position. It lies not in a peaceful environment or a place of privacy. Meditation does not depend on any of these things. Successful meditation depends upon desire. Desire is the only ingredient that will assure success and one must wait until desire builds sufficiently to push oneself into action. One may read, one may imagine, one may talk with others and one may learn techniques. But in the end none of these things will do it for him. Only his desire will catapult him finally into giving up some of his life to make room for it.
Desire is the seed that causes change. Desire stimulates the cosmic energy in the center of the body. Desire is the vacuum into which rushes the answer. Desire stimulates the psychic energy, the cosmic power which lives dormant in the center, in the geometric enter of the body as in the heart of a seed. Therefore it must be a deep desire, a strong desire. I am speaking of the kundalini now.
Sexual desire is the primal stimulation, the first movement of the cosmic growth. Use it with the same curiosity with which it was first born. Use it with awe, with respect, with wonder. Discover its magic, encourage its feeling, for it is a beginning. Use it until you can use it with freedom, the freedom to do or not to do, as you yourself choose and then knowledge will come. For knowledge follows such a freedom like a shadow follows a man as he walks toward the light. Then the great mystery of sex is reduced to rubble in the light and a new science is born - the science of spiritual knowledge and it is built upon a physical base. A base strong enough to support it.
June 12, 1976
(Costa Rica) `We saw Ramon yesterday and two other men and we talked of the business end, of the possible association with the Academy. But we talked of the energy force afterwards, and he told me more in the way of confirmation, making me want to spend more time with him and possibly his group. I do not know them. He has seen a person who was trying to make this contact with the kundalini force go nuts. It was too much for him. He has seen others who suffered ailments of one form or another. But I have already been warned. I know this to be true. I am convinced that any ailments or problems are the direct result of “trying”. This is a NATURAL force and it glows and expands WHEN IT IS TIME, according to the unfoldment of the soul. I use soul as compared to who we think we are, for we think we know ourselves. We do not. We know only what we know, but we do not know what we do not know, and that is much more. To try as so many are trying to contact the energy forces of the universe, such as the yoga and spiritual and mystic students by directing concentrated energy (mind energy) into themselves, is similar to compacting energy into a metal housing to create the bomb. It simply is not a natural evolution. It is being directed by an intelligence that does not quite know how it works, and therefore is susceptible to error. The only perfection there is the universal force itself. The only way we can come close to perfection is by stepping along side the universal force, giving up the mind to it. But not by trying. This is such a subtle difference.
I thought this morning as I was doing movements, not to move so much. Ramon suggested I try to direct this force and not dissipate it. I directed the force, gently, and nothing happened. The movements slowed down. I became more aware of a deeper level within myself. I consciously said to myself, “Don’t dissipate the energy, keep in line, for a purpose, the purpose to go straight forward, in truth whatever you have to do.” I became aware that I was no longer talking to myself. I was simply talking, and saying “I am the energy” and I identified with it. There was no distant goal to achieve. I was life, I am life and need nothing more. I thought, “But how do I do this thing, what do I do and where do I send this energy?”
I felt then a kinship to the patio, the sun, my own body, a oneness with the things around me. I became aware, like a moving film strip, things, that there is no miracle to be sought, no knowledge of a greater nature, no distant goal to be set up. There is nothing more profound and miraculous than the act of life as it is happening right now. This is the sacred mystery and no one knows, they look elsewhere. It is beneath our feet, at our fingers, the food we eat, the thoughts we think, these processes are awesome and themselves worthy of bending at the knees before them. It is indeed a mystery to explain. As I try to direct, I feel a door close on me. When I try to understand, the door closes. All attempts fail me. And when I think to myself, “I don’t know, I don’t understand, show me,” then my mind becomes a simple child, and wonders pass before it! But when I try to reach out and grab onto them and claim ownership, the door begins to swing shut on me. I lose it when I reach for it. I want to tell people this, but when I try, again I fail. My only desire is to give myself up to this power. It is greater than I am. I want truth, but I can’t have truth unless I give myself up to it. The only way to gain something is to release it. I desire to see this truth and knowledge and perception in the world. I see it missing all around me. I desire this so much but I must give up caring and trying, knowing at the same time that it will happen only to the degree that I give up. I desire to be pliable soley to the movements within me. Whatever they lead me to do, I will do. My only desire is to obey, no other person, no other force, but the one which is flowing within me and I know to be flowing in other people. I feel, as I did in a vision once, like I am a small leaf on the end of a long, long willow branch. and when the wind shakes through the tree, it vibrates through the trunk and out through the branches, and I at the very outermost end move when I am told to move. I am grateful to know this, and the more I give myself to this power, the greater the glow becomes inside.
It is similar to what the world calls love, but the world does not know love really. It is a warm feeling that belongs. It is that something missing which one doesn’t realize he has missed until he has found it. It is a feeling of being in the arms of a great and wise personage, but not really a personage, an intelligence. An intelligence capable of all the virtues dreamed of by men. And when I act upon its guidance, my reward is this feeling which begins ever so subtly and slowly, almost unnoticeably, in the solar plexus region. But I am quoting. To me it feels like it starts just halfway between navel and groin, and half way between front and back. Dead-center in the bowl of the lower half of the body. And when I become aware of it, it is simply warm and it becomes warmer, and I feel like a child when this happens. I never realized this before. But now as I am feeling it as I type, I can identify with a feeling of humility, you might say, though that is not it either. It is like someone else is taking care of you, and you know it, and you love him and you let him care for you. You don’t have to try, you don’t have to know everything. You don’t have to “sink or swim” as so many people say. You know that there is really a guardian over your life and interests - and more, it is a guardian which is capable of love. This love is a burning and consuming thing - though I have not felt it to such a degree. I have felt it flame and grow dim and I have felt its qualities. I cannot talk enough about it, to do it justice.
But as I become aware of its presence and existence in my life, I become aware of its presence binding me to other people. It seems to be the same flow of energy running through the other person too. And if that person is open, I feel a flaming up of this feeling, and I know he felt it too. But when that person is closed, it stops in me, too. For me to continue to feel this thing, to expand upon its capabilities, requires open-minded people. We are so inter-dependent!! We don’t even know half of it yet. One day, we may wake up and find we are all fingers on one hand, or something similar.
February 5, 1982
(Florida) Meditation by the pool this morning to get out of the way of Bob's walking. Also to get away from the flies. I opened the gates so they wouldn't disturb me and asked Bob to re-enter the house from the front so the patio screen door wouldn't disturb me.
It was deeper and more pleasant. No exercising at all. Only the cleansing breath and the deep slow breathing. As I listened to my programming tape I experimented. First I had a hard time focusing my wandering mind (what is mind?) I tried focusing on a wheel slowing down until the spokes were stationary. I wandered from that. I tried focusing on the pearl in my pelvic region. I wandered. I tried focusing on the crown and then the third eye (forehead) - I wandered. Then I thought, "These are finite objects". This is what I have objected to in all meditation techniques. So then I thought "vacuum" and there was peace and I did not wander.
During my meditation I saw the reason for the chakras (God centers) and what must be done. The base of the spine center is a pilot light sent at the time of conception. This is the god force in nature without which the soul could not be anchored.
The seat of the soul center is just above and is the power behind the sexual energies and reproductive organs. This is the center of freedom in its ultimate expression. Now it represents slavery and bondage because individuals are intimidated by the thought of sin and shy away from it, thus keeping the light hid behind a veil. The individual must open this center and accept the sexual forces into the body.
The solar plexus is the center of peace in its ultimate expression. Now it represents power and aggression in both action and thought, all of which must submit to peaceful intentions and therefore peace.
The heart is the center of love in its ultimate expression. Now it represents hate and other emotions which must all be transmuted by the individual to express only love in the highest form.
The throat is the center of perfect sound in its ultimate expression. Now it represents discordant sound which confuses and torments, but as the individual masters himself and his issues, the sounds that come forth - the words - will represent harmony and good will.
The third eye is the center of the perception of truth in its ultimate expression. Now it represents only confusion because of the distortions and blocks in the individual's makeup, but as these are cleared up, truth takes a natural position. The real motives then become clear behind any given situation. The real person behind the sick body, behind the sick mask, becomes clear and obvious, thus allowing healing to take place. Real facts behind a confused matter become known allowing the individual to move himself out of any given place. With the opening of this center, visions are seen which are insights into the real behind the mask.
The crown is the center of the perception of God and the higher order of intelligence. Now it represents the human intellect and reason because the individual cannot see beyond reason, but as he blossoms from within and as other chakras open he becomes clearer and clearer about himself, his life, and his body and he slowly opens this center to the super intelligence behind all of life which will flow in and out of him.
It is so simple! Each of these attributes may be worked upon all at the same time, by anyone.
(1) The seat of the soul center may be worked upon by practising to transmute sexual restriction into sexual freedom, pure and simple. (Freedom of attitude regarding his OWN sexual forces.)
(2) The solar plexus center may be opened by transmuting power and aggression into peace, pure and simple.
(3) The heart center may be opened by transmuting anger and chaotic emotions into love, pure and simple.
(4) The throat center may be opened by transmuting words of a destructive nature into words of good will, pure and simple.
(5) The third eye center may be opened by transmuting partial truths into whole truths, pure and simple.
(6) The crown center may be opened by transmuting blame for conditions and accidents into acceptance, pure and simple, accepting that there is a divine intelligence and a reason for all things. By so doing, the reason becomes known and no longer remains a mystery.
(7) The seventh center is the base of the spine, the lowest center in the human body. It is the pilot flame that burns quietly, anchoring the soul to the body. This may be awakened in all its splendor and force through the practice of letting nature have its way, letting natural movements happen in daily life, in the body. This includes appeasing hungers rather than suppressing them; expressing emotions rather than holding them back; following urges to the ultimate conclusion rather than ignoring them; changing physical conditions when they irritate, rather than pretending that they do not bother. The forces that live in the center are the forces that are held back by an individual who mistakenly thinks he is mastering his life but is not. He is actually suppressing life. The kundalini, the powerful god-force embedded in nature, comes forth only when allowed to express freely. Once it has been coerced into free expression, then one learns how to become the master. The lessons begin by yielding, blending, allowing the serpent fire to move though the body, learning its personality by blending with it. The individual must test himself here with this force. He must marry this force because he IS the force.
All of these practices may be worked on simultaneously. It may be a little hard for the mind to understand, but it is not a problem for the mind. It is a problem for the individual behind the mind. He must become bigger than the mind. It is a question of mastering the mind so as to affect attitude changes in the mind so that the soul may carry out its splendid destiny. Thus the God-man clothed in human flesh becomes free at last.
June 30, 1983
We are in Costa Rica staying with Jim in his apartment. I returned to office today. After Jim & Bob left I unpacked. I’m feeling lethargic, ran in place in the apartment and deep breathing, movements came, serpentine, strong, visions, went to office for first time, in time for lunch, during lunch a trance-like cloud swept me up and away, wanted to lie down but couldn’t. Went to meat market, returned to office, force swirling me upward, upward. Went into my office and lay down, tranced out for 15 minutes, not asleep. Suddenly I felt myself coming to normalcy, reeling into my body. (Did it better this time -last time I returned to my body like a rock!)
This morning while the current churned through my body and legs and head in the sweet fluid movements of light and rhythm that I have become so in love with, I did something different. I formed a thought in my mind for the first time. “I respect you for you are the intelligence of the movements in my body and you are bigger than me. But I ask you now to focus your power onto the lower abdomen, into the stomach (I feel a laziness there) into the stomach and do what you have to do to strengthen this part of my body.” And as soon as I finished saying this in my mind (I felt like a mental pencil writing upon a mental page with a sharpened point) my body stopped its lovely movements for the space of several moments.
I noticed then as my gaze shifted, the mountains sprawled out before me, and the deep purple hue mixed with dark greens of the trees and the pasture lands, and the tall fir trees across the road below the porch. I realized suddenly, as a brand new thought spreading over my mind, how foolish I am looking so far and wide for the right place in which to meditate when the right place is always - ALWAYS - at my own front door step. Literally, in this case, and further, that this would be true in all instances, not just occasional instances, if I were to be more aware. And further, that this is the root of the problem for everyone, not just me. In mere seconds this realization established itself.
And then my body tensed. Muscles in the stomach tensed, muscles in my thighs tensed, without my intention. The powerful current seemed to concentrate in the lower part of me and I became aware of the muscles in the stomach as though my mind was suddenly inside - yes - I was inside a powerful force inside my abdomen muscles and I became aware of the looseness there and the powerful constrictions now taking place, pulling in, sucking in, forcing in, tensing, the elasticity of flabby tissue. The power ran down my thighs, the buttocks as if they were tied in to the abdomen and the organs inside. The power lingered in the stomach and the bowels are quivering with tension as the power seemed to concentrate, penetrate, unseen by me, performing some sort of operation. My awareness quickened, my mind was focused, sharp, but I could not tell what it was doing. Only that it was doing SOMETHING.
I elaborate here because of the uncanniness of the whole thing, for the force IS uncanny, intelligent and it causes me to be in awe whenever it moves through me for it moves without any effort on my part whatsoever. I have experimented over the years with my own effort to try to find the key, the answer to this strange force. I have experimented with my will, my own thought force, and it always proves futile. The power operates without my will, without my intention, without effort. It is uncanny because it is a totally separate force outside of me. I could almost say it is another personality because it follows a mind of its own. For the past seven years I have allowed it free rein in my body. My only discipline has been to yield to it, to give it space and time. I have forced myself to step back and give it room and freedom within my body. I have invited it to come in. I have surrendered my will to it because it has proven itself to me, that it is good and superior to my own intelligence and intentions. I trust it beyond even myself. I feel that I must talk about it, elaborate about it, tell others about it, because it is like discovering a new element, a fifth element after earth, air, fire and water. This is spirit, a force that comes from space, from cosmically-attuned space. It comes from another dimension - a dimension of freedom and victory and class and nobility and light. It is not of the earth - it is not of the air, it is not of fire and not of water. It is something new - a brand new element arriving in this plane from another. It is new and yet it is not new. It is ancient. It is from beyond time. It is eternal. Yes, I elaborate on it because it is uncanny. And its movement through me leaves sparkles in its wake and it spreads revelations through my consciousness like a holy mist.
Now I am bending over, the force tightening my stomach muscles even more and my breath is forced out of me - not just out of my lungs but air is squeezed out of my muscles like strong hands squeeze water out of a sponge. And when it seems there is no more air left in me, the tightening continues, the squeezing continues and the air continues to exhale like a sighing wind blowing through an empty canyon, a siren's song, a long drawn out wail of wind. Where does it come from? I didn't know I had that much air in me. Finally, the wailing wind dies down and this organism that I once called my body begins to turn in the tide and into its hollows new air is sucked. Slowly, ever so slowly, eternally slowly, sucking, drawing, something is painstakingly filtering it in, consciously filtering in and the tissues expand, the cells drink deeply of this new fresh air, and like a balloon I am pumped up with air. And again, the tide turns. Again some unseen, larger-than-life force constricts the muscles and performs the operation all over again. I am in the hands of a power that once was soft, now is hard, forceful and concentrated. Because I finally directed it to do a job. It's been waiting all these years for me to direct it. It is eager to be directed. I can see.
My body moves, jerks, spasmotic movements, the force - the awareness - moves constantly from muscle to muscle, from place to place, up my back, from muscle to muscle, down my left arm, down my right arm, blowing doors down, following the paths of least resistance, testing resistance, forcing resistance because I want it to break down doors. It is a blowing out of dead things - crusts, mental crusts, emotional crusts, now turned physical.
A crystal cord of liquid opalescent colors becomes apparent as the power moves through me. It comes from above my head and enters through the crown and descends down to the pit of the bowel area where the power is concentrating. It reminds me of an umbilical cord of a new born baby, which is almost translucent, except this is more crystaline with many colors shimmering through it. The power is flowing down this cord and exiting at the bottom into the pit of my abdomen. It is about one and a half inches in diameter, twisted and bulging with contractions.
Now my body is undulating like a belly dancer and I am making no effort. There is no work involved on my part. Undulating just like a snake. All the power heavily concentrated in the very center of my abdomen where the reproductive organs are and the colon. Thick, heavy power, crystalline like liquid life. Back and forth and forth and back, undulating and I remember that this is the very same movement that George Adamski showed me one day to do. Do this every day, he said, and your internal organs will retain their youth and elasticity, but I have not done it. Be a true woman, he said, like the belly dancers. There are very few real women in this world. They have not been trained in how to use their bodies. I would have felt regret but I had no time. All the concentration was taken up by the movements, as if my awareness WAS the movement.
When is it going to end? As the force continues to undulate I realize how lazy I am - physically - I want to stop and rest but the force keeps working. Don't mind me, I say to the thing, you just continue for as long as you want to. I'll go along with it.
Next, I am bending over again and blowing out hard, my head shaking back and forth, and my hands shaking water off of them, hard and fast. Like in the old days, the days of kundalini awakening.. This motion continues for as long as the undulating motion did, about one and a half minutes. In the old days it went longer. And then the power stopped dead. It was over and I went in and laid on the bed and slept for 30 minutes.
Later I went to the office in time for lunch. During lunch a trance-like cloud swept my consciousness up and away, leaving me vacant as I ate. Immediately I wanted to go lay down but didn't. I stayed and went to the meat market with Bob. Upon return to the office, the force was swirling upward, upward, outward. I could hardly wait to lie down. Not sit in meditation but lie down. It was strong! I entered my office and closed the door and removed my shoes. I put the new brown sheet on the mat and collapsed onto my back. For 45 minutes I was out. Not entirely losing consciousness, but far, far away. Most of me away. Not conscious of anything but not being in my body. Yet, still aware enough to wonder how long it would be before I would regain full normalcy again. Forty five minutes later consciousness returned almost like a flash. I felt myself coming in, reeling in and I watched the process. I woke entirely then as if nothing had happened. Or perhaps as if I had gone on a trip and returned. Anyway I did it better this time.
Several weeks ago this same sort of thing happened. I fell into the same trance-like state one mid-afternoon after lunch. I started meditating on the stool but soon abandoned the stool to lie down. I immediately spaced out. When I returned I literally slammed into my body like a rock falling from the sky. At the point of impact my eyes opened wide and my arms flew up over my head amidst an explosion of colors - the same liquid colors displayed in the umbilical cord. Beautiful colors that flashed and splashed and radiated outward with me in the center. It is a most interesting phenomena but I have no one to talk to about it. I tried talking to Nikko who does shiatsu and tai chi but he didn't respond. Instead he's talking agriculture with Allen sprawled out on the floor and mat while I am paving a column of opennness to the city above San Jose."
January 9, 1982
As to the enigma of the vision I saw one day in May last year, prompted by my asking “What is the Kundalini?” and during which I saw the white light glowing as a ball of something purer than the air - a light which is not a light. A light which is the absence of anything less than perfect. It was as if the light were perfection itself and yet I actually was able to see this with my inner vision - see it as if it were a real thing, a solid thing. But to continue and not be delayed by the description, I have been, ever since that day, puzzled over the manner in which the spirit anchors itself in the human form, or perhaps anchors itself to build a human form around it. The books which I read provide partial answers and I am intrigued - urged - to put it all together so that it feels right and whole. So far I am less than satisfied.
However, I was reading Djwal Kul‘s book last night, Intermediate Studies of the Human Aura, and I saw something. I saw once again this purity that comes from on high, this germ of holiness that seeks to manifest in the physical world and to become aware of itself. This spark of holiness remains pure all the while it resides in the human form. It must, to retain the blueprint of the whole while a portion of itself breaks away to wander through the maze of forces and influences of the physical world to learn.
What is this portion that breaks away? It becomes known as the soul or perhaps the holy ghost, for it wanders and moves around, here and there, collecting experience as it goes. In the vision last year, in answer to “What is Kundalini?” I saw two tiny sparks of light leave the holy ball as it lay in all its pristine beauty in the pelvic bowl of the human body. I saw them each one move off; first one, then the other as if to chase it. One moved off from the left side, the other moved off from the right. It seems to me that the right hand side moved off first, although it it is hard to recall now such a detail. The other moved off as if it were joined to it and had to follow. It had no choice, for each was a part of the other. And the first one moved off because it sought an answer. it sought to know, perhaps to find experiences, I do not know. But that was what I felt from it as I watched. That it was in a sense like an eager child seeking experience.
But the pure and holy glow remained behind, settled in and at peace within the pelvic bowl, so beautifully glowing. White and radiant with such a purity I cannot describe. Thus it would seem that the two sparks, the one leading and the other following, began to climb upward in a spiraling motion, round and round. On occasion they met in their spiraling upward and they touched each other than, but did not linger. Onward and upward they climbed, higher and higher. When they reached the region of the heart, they lingered, ever so briefly. They seemed to slow and take pause. And then they left, each in its own direction, spiraling upward once more. It was my impression that they joined here within the heart, united once more if ever so briefly. Could this be the soul? It would seem that the soul is not one but two - two elements that keep chasing one another. Could it be that that is the only way that the soul would ever leave the safety and bliss of its parentage? It would seem that some quite remarkable incentive would be needed to shove a part of itself out into the darker world. It would have to be a very immense shove - perhaps a desire? A desire to know something of the darker world?
At any rate I am quite convinced now that what I saw in my vision was the birth of the soul leaving its parent source - the utter purity of the life flame itself that is present in every human body. It was my impression at the time that the first spark which left was the feminine spark which reminds me of the story of Adam and Eve as they left the garden of Eden, the utter purity of God.
And so the soul contiued upward, alone (the two elements needed to create the tension for movement, female and male, or positive and negative, or passive and aggressive). Without tension there would be utter peace and no need for movement.
As the soul continued upward it finally reached the crown of the head - and it was as if they had reached their pinnacle. They had found what they were searching for and they joined hands here, ready to reunite as one. However, as they did so, they saw (I saw in my vision) that there was something missing. They seemed to turn and look downward - down the long tube of semi-transparent light that stretched downward beneath them - to the glow that lay at the bottom. The feeling then was, You can’t go any further beyond this point until you return back down and and reclaim (whatever was below, which I didn‘t understand at the time.) Down within the pelvic bowl was their parent source, which they had forgotten in their travels. And now they realized that they had reached the end of their journey and could go no further without the parent. As they realized this they did not hesitate, but turned and began the what seemed to be a long descent downward to reach the pure light below. Could this be the much mysterious descent into the earth needed before the ascension?
They descended through the semi-translucent white glowing tube of the spinal column to the glowing ball of purity and re-united with it. The three became one? Could this be the trinity? There were two who rejoined the parent.
Could this be the awakening? The arounsal of the kundalini? The psychic force of God said to lie in dormant condition at the base of the spine?
The book says that one must descend from the bowl (the seat of the soul) to the base of the spine, indicating that the base of the spine is lower than the bowl itself. I saw the light inside the bowl for that it is where I felt the “click” of the arousal on that day. It was at the bottom of the large intestine area which would be inside the bowl. Where then does the base of the spine come in?
In my vision I asked the question: What then is the kundalini? The answer was ascension. It is preparation for the final ascension, after which there is no more rebirth. The soul goes along with the spirit from birth to death and from death to birth but separate from spirit because it has not joined with it. It is separate life after life as the soul seeks to know who it is, where it came from, to understand. This is its purpose for being born into the physical world. The soul is the son who wanders away in search of answers, leaving the parent and family far behind.
This soul becomes the mind, or the consciousness, that we are. I am me. Who is me? That consciousness of being here, of acting, of doing. I am typing. My body is the tool, but the soul is the awareness of the journey, the self awareness that it is typing. This is the finite mind, the finite awareness of life in this world. Soul and mind are one. This is the mind which does not need a brain to be conscious. It is conscious all by itself. At death when the body dies, it wanders aloft in the discarnate world - the astral world. Still disconnected from its parent source. It seeks experience, and so long as it does, it remains disconnected from its parent. Does it go back to the parent before being born again? No, it is born again and again and again, always disconnected from its parent. But it learns more and more, as it lives each life, and gains more insight into who it is. It was born to learn about itself, and so it does.
The shorter way home to the father is to cease looking for experience and become silent, to turn around and look downward. Down into the depths where lies the pure roots of his being. The underground stream - the roots of the tree of life. It is down, passive, silent. Absorb, absorb deep within, rather than reaching out. Absorb and be still, but do this consciously, actively absorb, do not let others force you to be still. It must be of a conscious choice. It is free will, and only through free will that the soul will return to the father satisfied and content that he has become done with his wandering. This is an “old” soul, tired and weary and wise from traveling. Content to return home. This is symbolized in the story of the prodigal son.
Now, as it nears its reunion with the father he approaches eternal preservation of himself. Always there was a danger that he would stray too far and begin the devastating road to destruction. For a soul can wear itself out, burn itself out from straying too far from the light and from noble action. Evil action, action turned towards the hurting of others, cuts deep and irreparable wounds in the cord that connects it to the father source. Severed as a knife cuts through a thick and heavy rope, the soul then begins to wither and dry up, allowing less and less light to come through. Still intelligent, the soul keeps moving, for it is a portion of the original intelligence, it retains the original intelligence, and it will continue to move even though partially severed from holiness. But unless it repairs its ways, the wound will gap open further, cutting off more of the life energy until eventually the soul is severed from its parent without repair. Then it is in its death throes and all of that soul’s experiences, lives of precious experience, have been lived in vain. for he has chosen not to go the road of holiness and wholeness. He has chosen to go his own way to the end, without regard or consideration for the parent which gave him life and which has the ability to take it back again.
All of this must be done through free will. A soul is born to learn about free will. He is meant to choose to come back home and join with the total, the rest of creation which lives in total harmony, or he sacrifices himself totally, in which case he dies and his memory dies with him. All is erased.
Now as he joins with his parent source, all of his previous incarnations have been lived for a purpose. He has indeed served himself well. He has done good and he has done bad, but he has learned about free will. He has learned why he came and what life is all about. And in the end he has determined that the father source, the eternal life energy of all is the only way he wants to go. He chooses, freely, to unite with that energy and so he does. He has returned home. This is the story of the prodigal son returning home. It is the story of repent and you shall be saved.
The only way to earn eternal preservation of memory - to create an eternal individual - is to reunite with the holy glow within, which always remains pure. Then it does not need, does not want, to come back into the physical world any more. It is done. This is also known as the alchemical marriage. Also as the lion lying down with the lamb (the lamb being the passive holy one). It is also known as the bride preparing for the bridegroom. This is the birth of the Christ, the son of the holy father. Now the holy son must descend into the earth before he can ascend. This is symbolized by the sacrifice and the death and the burial of the holy son. But he rises from out of the depths. but first he must descend before he rises in order to awaken the matter within the body. He must awaken the body so that it can release him. He must descend to unlock the doors of the body. He must descend to awaken that life-giving force in the body known as the kundalini. This is the final step. Then he can rise, along with the energy in the body.
The energy of the body is not the soul, is not the spirit. The energy of the body, the kundalini, is energy given to the body specifically for this purpose. It is there as the hidden germ is there within the passive seed, awaiting germination. Now the soul must unlock this hidden germ, to start the germination process. It is the final step in blending the pure intelligence with the matter of the physical world. This is often known as the father blending with the mother, the mother being the physical world. So then, you have the father as the pure ball of light. The mother which is the energy locked in the body (the kundalini) and the son as the awareness of the individual soul who now merges with its father and thus becomes the Christ. Again the trinity comes in.
Sometimes the kundalini force (the god force locked in the body from birth) is awakened BEFORE the soul returns to its glowing parent nestled into the pelvic bowl. I think this happened to me. In that case it would appear that the return of the soul to its parent (after many, many incarnations it finally returns - a triumph of no small thing) clicks into the body force, which is then released and proceeds with a growing realization.
Could that explain the woman who has an excess energy (some say epileptics have this spiritual force already released but don’t know what to do with it) - and when she was in my presence she shook uncontrollably. And when I realized what I was seeing in her, her body responded without her control. It was as if my recognition triggered the shivers in her! I do believe that this is the case.
In my case and in the woman’s case above, we have both been released sexually. Could it be that sexual acceptance and sexual training, sexual capacities, release this? There are grounds for believing this. But in the case of celibates who do not utilize the sexual energies of the body, also do not free the body’s natural energies. They are those who keep them locked tight away as in a sealed drum and they must then descend to release it. They must descend. How does one descend? I do not have an answer, unless it is to descend into the sexual zone and partake. I cannot think of any other way to descend in the normal activity of human life within which all of this must take place. In such a case where a disciple works unceasingly on his spiritual qualities, meditating long hours, and devoting long hours to physical labor but none to blending into the world, then in his or her case he may return to the parent source, find the bliss awaiting for him there, and then perhaps he returns to the top of the head (of which I will speak in a moentl) without ever awakening the body’s wonderful psychic energies - the God energies locked inside the body. Which are locked in there for a purpose: to awaken the autonomic nervous system so that it comes alive under the conscious direction of the soul residing therein. As all systems come alive under the will of the resident, the resident becomes a master of that body, may ask it to walk on water and it will do so. May ask its heart to stop and it will do so. May ask it to become invisible and it will do so. That is because once the resident of the body becomes reunited with its parent source, it is free and it may unlock the body’s energies and unite with them and the whole being is free - as free as a bird.
In my case, since I had no teacher, I did not learn about how to develop the body’s energies to perform miracles, but I have felt the potential. My destiny is different - it is to teach and talk about these things. Perhaps I will perform miracles before my time is up, but that is all relatively unimportant. Important to me is to explain, express, to show that the soul is free at last. Free to rise forever out of sight of physical men and women - into the zone of godhood where reside all of the ascended masters. And death, which is the last enemy, is conquered. The final body will not die - but this is only if the body’s energy is released, expressed, practiced with and used to its ultimate glory. It is my feeling that, depending on the different schools of esoteric thought, some masters do not know this part and therefore do not teach it to their disciples. Perhaps they feel that the ultimate state of bliss (nirvana) is sufficient. In that case, they will sit or kneel, and jump over the physical world to blend with the godhead without tampering with any physical expression. But the world lies waiting for such rare people to be born to show the world what they can do and to release the world to more refinement. They are models of a future race - a race of gods. They are few and rare.
Now when the soul reunites with the father, whether or not he “descends” into what I believe is sexuality, to release the body’s energy, he turns around and ascends. He ascends upward to the crown. If he has released the body’s energy he will ascend by way of the many avenues of the nervous system, culminating in bodily movements, freeing the body of tension blocks as he goes. If he has not released the body’s energies he will ascend directly up the spinal column to the head and feel great pressure in the head.
Also if a person is spontaneous, has trained himself to be spontaneous, he will find himself doing postures and movements. But if he has not, as in the case of Krishnamurti who suffers headaches all the time, he will be outwardly quiet and not be given to bodily movements. Instead he will be prone to meditate a great deal of the time.
I am excited for all that I have spoken of here, feels about 95% right. It is not quite complete yet. I have more to go but I am putting these words down on paper because I am on the path.
The secret to lessen the pressure of bodily energy which has been stored up inside, is to live it. Express it. Do it! Release it in a way, however, that will not hurt other people. Wisdom is required. Demand a harmonious environment. Give the body its due. For this is the soil in which God is born in flesh. Let him thrive and grow in this outer world. It is a rare thing. Such young gods should be protected, catered to, loved and nourished with all of the nutrients they themselves say they need. People should not try to outguess them or teach them. They are gods in human form and they know what they need. See that their atmosphere is pure and loving for the pure light of life (which they are truly) may grow and thrive healthily. It is god who is born into the world. Anyone who brings forth the energy of the body into physical manifestation, after blending with the parent source, is a god. This is the ultimate product of all esoteric teachings and knowledge. This is the pinnacle and the climax. The world is ignorant yet of this.
Alas for the world that many do not bother to enter into the world and express there, but rather ascend directly into heaven through the avenue of meditation and retreat, leaving not a mark on the world. More of them do it this way. As men and women bring the light of God out into the world before ascending into heaven, they will imprint a mark clear to see on the world in which live, making it a finer place than before they came. You will know. It will make it easier for those who follow after.
A word about those who have developed psychic capacities but not wisdom: they have opened the door to the body’s god energies and have learned to use it. But, because they have, themselves, not yet retuned to their parent source - the source of love, understanding, unity and cosmic brotherhood, tolerance and compassion - then they are still outcasts, no different than all of the other individuals who are still seeking to know themselves. They are the dangerous ones. Be careful not to follow a person because he has psychic ability. All people have psychic ability to a degree. Listen only to your own guidance, the guidance from the parent source within.
June 6, 1982
Today I lay on my mat in the office in Costa Rica and meditated. I sent rays of light all around the outer offices, room by room, hall by hall, four walls, ceilings, floor, with special coverage at the corners and doors. I touched desks and people and placed a living flame - the color of opalescent fire - a’swirling in the center of every room. Of course, this was done with my mind at first. Then, once my mind started doing it, a deeper flow came and took over and I did not need to make so much effort. Then came the forms, light bodies of beings. They seemed to be shapes that coalesced into fixed sparkles of light, golden in color. I could not see faces, only shapes and they stood all around me. There was light from above, like a vacuum or lighter-than-air-substance. It felt distinctly as if the whole assembly had descended from above me.
I was in close communication with them. More, it was as if I were one of the assembly and we rayed light all over the city and a wonderful sense of peace came around me. Tingles ran up and down like musical tones never stationary, always moving. What was communicated to my conscious mind during this experience was a knowing. A confirmation of something I seemed to have already known, as so many others do, too. It was not new information. It was information being repeated, imprinted once more upon my outer senses so that I can speak about them as I am doing even now. The brotherhood of light, the ascended ones of higher places, they are desperate to make themselves known to Earth’s populations. The earth does not stand a chance without their input into the minds of the people. Their input is the balance to the stepped-up frequency that is bombarding the planet due to the cosmic tidal wave. The world is moving on into new dimensions and the peoples’ minds are still closed and becoming more so. The danger is similar to that of putting a tightly clamped lid onto a pot of water and placing it over a fire. Unless an opening is made in the cover to allow escape of the screaming molecules, the thing will blow up. Men’s and women’s minds must relent and open. Kindness is the key, and letting go.
The rays of light we shed over the office and over the atmosphere of San Jose is softness, warm like sunlight, to encourage the people to let go. Relax. Relent. So they won't fight what’s happening. Let it happen. Be aware and cautious but let it happen and learn. Watch. Expand. There is a higher power at work and miracles are in the air.