Introducing the divine feminine and divine masculine - the heart is the new base line
11/5/15 To Anakosha: 1000 times I want to thank you for sharing your wealth of experience. It is a regret that I never had the opportunity to visit with you and your late husband when you were down in Costa Rica.
Before deciding to get into the lifestyle with my wife of 22 years, I took the time to read several times all of your material. I would joke around with couples that we met that we were waiting for the official lifestyle rule book to come in the mail. Not sure if you have ever gone to press or if you have considered it, but I would pay for a printed copy and have it leather bound. Anyways, I actually have a link on our SDC profile to your website so I suspect more people are discovering this wisdom. Are you still offering seminars or not? Do you do couples counseling of any kind, specifically as it might relate to the lifestyle. We are still relatively new and have hit some pot-holes in the road. With respect and admiration, JH, Boca Raton, FL
Dear JH: I am so happy and delighted to receive your email. What a beautiful testimonial. I love it. Well, I have moved on. That particular era of my life with my late husband was unique. As you know, life is a wending river through the forest - it keeps moving on and on, past trees and rocks and people. We are each on a journey. We do what we have to do at the time we are doing it. We learn as we go and we gather knowledge along the way. Writing about it is a good way to cement that knowledge into the everlasting part of us, to take it with us. That particular time was my husband's journey. He was intrigued by swinging. He was a cheater of massive proportions before me, and when he discovered swinging he was elated. He couldn't believe that a couple could actually do it together. So he wrote about it. And he developed a seminar to present it. After he died I gathered his writings together and made a home-made book out of them. No, it hasn't been published professionally. Perhaps I should. I would need some guidance.
Today I am also a writer. I am with another husband today, one who also loves swinging. We are older, in our 70's, and we continue to host parties for senior couples. We do not host seminars or workshops any more, but we do invite couples to come to our home to participate and they become friends. We would be glad to have you join us sometime.
I also have time to cultivate my feminine side through the Anakosha site. Swinging is weighted toward the masculine being so physical and not emotional. By writing about love, I am filling in spaces that are sometimes lacking (as I see it) in the sexual and swinging field. By including tenderness, intimacy and love along with sexuality, life continues to evolve and grow as the years pass and we grow older. Life becomes even more beautiful because we fill in "sex with others" with a certain caring for them as friends and not just walking genitalia.
Thank you again for your wonderful letter. It is truly encouraging and heart-warming to read it. I am glad you are getting so much out of it. I wish you continued enjoyment in your lifestyle journey - yours, your wife's and your relationship's - for there are three of you, not just two of you. Bob used to say that there is "you" and there is "me" and then there is the relationship. The relationship is a third entity and must be respected and considered at all times. A lot of people don't stop to think about that. He said it was like a three-legged stool. A two-legged stool cannot stand alone, but add a third leg and it is balanced. In swinging we start out selfish. We want it our way. But then we learn to think of others. We learn that we have to give something back as we go. It's very gratifying and exciting to realize that. Swinging is a doorway to personal growth and enlightenment as long as that realization is there. Then love (caring) expands and becomes part of the journey. Love is what heals misunderstandings and grows the heart and people bigger.
Diana of Anakosha
10/30/15 To Anakosha: It seems like many people are in my category where I think I want to explore the lifestyle but my wife just isn't receptive. Other than patience are there any tips you might be able to provide?
Answer: Yes, there are tips I can provide. First, women do not view sex in the same way that men view it. I am speaking as a woman in the lifestyle. You are looking at it as a physical act involving penetration. Women do not see sex in that way. We view it as the end result of love. After love has been established with someone, then we can "have sex". it's just natural to do it that way. Women need to feel love in their bodies, like a warm sensual feeling, before we can "have sex". If you remember back when you first became involved with her there was a caring relationship between you (I would think) and that evolved into physical sex. But first there was a mental and emotional connection, before it bcame physical. That is how women approach sex.
To get a married woman into the lifestyle she needs to feel some warmth, love and caring. A woman who has not had sex in a long time will be horny. She is different. But a married woman who has had a man in her life for years, she has had to "do" sex with him even when she didn't want to have sex, in order to retain her relationship. So she will not want to have to "do" sex with other men. What's in it for her? She is not needing sex. She is not horny. She has "put out" for sex with her husband for many years. I am speaking generally about married women. I know many of them.
A woman can be turned around virtually overnight with some loving kindness and loving strokes, as in an hour's worth of loving massage WITHOUT REQUIRING SEX!!!! Simply loving her. That's all. No expectations for sex. Love her with your hands, your eyes, your thoughts, your voice, speak endearments to her, give her flowers, light the candles. Treat her like a goddness. And listen to her. Ask her questions. How does she feel? What did she do today? Hold her in your arms quietly, without talking. Soothe her as if she is a baby, an infant, who feels lost and alone. For she feels lost and alone without love.
Most men do not know this. I am giving you hints. Give her loving kindness and emotional tenderness. Most women get involved in the lifestyle (swinging) for their husbands. It is the nature of men to want to have sex with other women. It is biological. It is the animal instinct to pass on genes. But a woman is spiritual. Her love comes from a higher more pure place.
I became involved in swinging for my husband. We started way back 35 years ago. I did it to please him. I actually started it, not for me - I didn't do it for me - I didn't even have a sex drive. But I wanted to please him because I loved him and he was so needy. He wanted to have other women and I wanted to please him. The only reason I stuck with the lifestyle all these years and am still involved with my second husband (first husband died) is because my first husband was VERY VERY VERY loving to me. We were very very close. We slept snuggled together every night, spoon fashion, so that we were deeply connected. Because I felt so deeply loved, I wanted to give him something that he wanted. Namely sex with other women. I started out giving him my girlfriend. That was how we started. Then he tried to reciprocate by letting me go out with a man. I didn't have much need to do that but I went out with a man from work because he needed me to, he wanted me to. It was not very good, but I did it for my husband. Upon coming home after my "date", my husband said he was virtually climbing the walls, going crazy, with worry over me. He had deep regrets that he pushed me into that. He said, "Let's not separate out like that again." Then we began to look around for couples so we could have dates together. This took a long time. We moved to Central America and there we began our search. It was five years later that we had our first date. Meanwhile, my husband and I grew very together and very close. We told each other everything. We had no secrets. It was THIS that I loved so much that I wanted to give him what he wanted - sex with other women. So I gave that to him. And I enjoyed other men too because I had my loving husband to come home to at night. He kept our relationship alive.
My tip to you is to begin loving your wife in new ways, in ways that might seem foreign to you and strange at first. But they will grow on you. Try. Give her loving touches, like in massage. Begin showing her love in ways that show your loving feelings for her. Men think differently from women. Men think on the physical level mostly, and do not think with tenderness and emotional love. But women need to feel tenderness from a man on an emotional level. If your wife feels love from you then maybe she will want to give you something in return that you want. It is the way of a woman to nurture those she loves. But most long-time married women have been used and abused over many years of marriage, being physical and mental but without emotional love, and those women are dried up inside. They die inside without love. They don't have a sex drive, they have a love drive. They have an emotional need for love. Try it and see what happens. But give her love without conditions attached. Don't stay, "I'll love you if you will agree to go into swinging with me." That's not love. That's a business deal.
I know this will sound foreign to you. But I urge you to spend a little contemplative time on this subject. Try it out with something small at first, and then notice her response. Little by little. The journey to a whole new way of life is made with a tiny little seed of change. It is like planting a seed from a rare and beautiful flower into the ground, and watering it each day and letting the sun reach it, and waiting. Watching it grow. Love is like that. Please do not feel foolish or unmanly for showing signs of tenderness. It is very attractive to a woman.
Good luck to you,