Anakosha
A feminine approach to sexual freedom
Personal Preferences
Holding onto your choices and dignity
Holding onto your choices and dignity
In trying to help women into the lifestyle we are increasingly aware how important personal preferences are, especially for the newcomer. Sometimes those of us who are comfortable in it become too casual. We forget that new people are very sensitive and have to grow into it gradually. Not just women but men too are deeply influenced by the forces of attraction or repulsion.
Personal preferences are important, even for those of us who appear casual and sophisticated and move around so easily from bed partner to bed partner. Our parameters have widened and our tolerance level has broadened. We have simply become more confident in our ability to move in and out of situations. But deep down and underneath, we have our own acute likes and dislikes. Personal preferences.
Personal preferences could be whether someone is college-educated and articulate or a farm worker who likes his Saturday night beer at the local tavern. White collar, blue collar, black, red, yellow, under 40, over 50, drinkers, non-drinkers, smokers, non-smokers, healthy, slim and in shape, older and overweight, straight, bi, fetish, boating interest, motorcycle, mountain climbing, skiing, football, tennis, sewing, traveling, meditation, yoga - and then there's simply chemistry. There is no way to name chemistry. It's just an attraction.
Personal preferences are important, we all agree, but let's move on from there and get into the real truth of why swinging works and is, in fact, growing by leaps and bounds. At least it looks that way on the internet and the media.
At a large swing convention in the '80s, I sat next to a researcher at the clubowners dinner banquet. He was doing a study on HIV/AIDs. He was there not as a participant but to explore how people were responding to this new disease threat in the lifestyle. He was going to write a paper. “I can’t understand it," he said to me during dinner. "Why do people continue to be active sexually with strangers when they know there is a dangerous disease out there that could kill them? It doesn’t make any sense at all. What is the draw? Why do they do it? They just roll over and do it again.”
This substantiated my own belief as to why swinging works. It’s not a mystery at all. We know why we do it. We don't talk about it. We just do it. We don't ignore our personal preferences but there's another larger reason we're doing this. Even fear of disease takes second place. In Club Sensitivity (SSG) four or five couples created a group vow between them that they would only have sex with each other and nobody outside of their little circle. They all had STD tests done and were clean. This group lasted about a year and slowly disappeared from view. They just lost interest and grew bored. The need for variety was too great. That's the big reason we do this.
In the straight world (non-swinging world) we date to find that one special person with whom to spend the rest of our lives and raise a family. It is important to be selective for such an important process. But we engage in lifestyle activities for another reason. We are not looking for a life mate. We may have sex with someone and never see that person again. While in more intimate circles like Anakosha we form tighter friendships and it's more of a community, still there are strangers entering all the time. That's what keeps it interesting. Otherwise it would grow boring.
So why do we do this? Well, each person probably has their own ideas, but for me it's a peculiar mind set. It's a leap into a more perfect world. I experience freedom, liberation. I believe people are not meant to be shackled to one person for the rest of their lives. It’s not natural. It is often suffocating. I have seen this in couples, unfortunately. The sense of being owned by someone else who has the power to say "yea" or "nay" to your actions, is degrading. It takes away free will and the joy of discovery which life provides when one is not shackled. The lifestyle provides this to some extent, even as you stay married. Sexuality is fun, yes, but the sense of being free to move around among non-judgmental, open-minded people is even more exhilarating than the sex.
It is a mind set, not personal preferences, that keeps me coming back. I don't want emotional attachments. That would hold me back. It's a very unique mind set that is set on OPEN. One has to have an open mind to belong to our subculture. An open mind takes you beyond the limits of personal preferences into a wide open field of stimulating people, who have the power to attract, repel or cause curiosity. If I restricted myself to only those in my personal preference profile, it would be limiting indeed.
So, don't get bogged down with personal preferences. You're not going to jump in bed with the first couple that comes along who says they are swingers. There are many things you'll want to know about them first. At least you should. Plus there are four of you who need to get along, not just two of you.
Enter a new group with an open mind, with the intention of going slow and staying social. Get to know people. You still have your preferences but you are not held back by those preferences. You are going to meet a lot of people intelligently. Some will fit, some won't. Be patient. You're going to be circling the field, as it were.
Personal preferences are important, even for those of us who appear casual and sophisticated and move around so easily from bed partner to bed partner. Our parameters have widened and our tolerance level has broadened. We have simply become more confident in our ability to move in and out of situations. But deep down and underneath, we have our own acute likes and dislikes. Personal preferences.
Personal preferences could be whether someone is college-educated and articulate or a farm worker who likes his Saturday night beer at the local tavern. White collar, blue collar, black, red, yellow, under 40, over 50, drinkers, non-drinkers, smokers, non-smokers, healthy, slim and in shape, older and overweight, straight, bi, fetish, boating interest, motorcycle, mountain climbing, skiing, football, tennis, sewing, traveling, meditation, yoga - and then there's simply chemistry. There is no way to name chemistry. It's just an attraction.
Personal preferences are important, we all agree, but let's move on from there and get into the real truth of why swinging works and is, in fact, growing by leaps and bounds. At least it looks that way on the internet and the media.
At a large swing convention in the '80s, I sat next to a researcher at the clubowners dinner banquet. He was doing a study on HIV/AIDs. He was there not as a participant but to explore how people were responding to this new disease threat in the lifestyle. He was going to write a paper. “I can’t understand it," he said to me during dinner. "Why do people continue to be active sexually with strangers when they know there is a dangerous disease out there that could kill them? It doesn’t make any sense at all. What is the draw? Why do they do it? They just roll over and do it again.”
This substantiated my own belief as to why swinging works. It’s not a mystery at all. We know why we do it. We don't talk about it. We just do it. We don't ignore our personal preferences but there's another larger reason we're doing this. Even fear of disease takes second place. In Club Sensitivity (SSG) four or five couples created a group vow between them that they would only have sex with each other and nobody outside of their little circle. They all had STD tests done and were clean. This group lasted about a year and slowly disappeared from view. They just lost interest and grew bored. The need for variety was too great. That's the big reason we do this.
In the straight world (non-swinging world) we date to find that one special person with whom to spend the rest of our lives and raise a family. It is important to be selective for such an important process. But we engage in lifestyle activities for another reason. We are not looking for a life mate. We may have sex with someone and never see that person again. While in more intimate circles like Anakosha we form tighter friendships and it's more of a community, still there are strangers entering all the time. That's what keeps it interesting. Otherwise it would grow boring.
So why do we do this? Well, each person probably has their own ideas, but for me it's a peculiar mind set. It's a leap into a more perfect world. I experience freedom, liberation. I believe people are not meant to be shackled to one person for the rest of their lives. It’s not natural. It is often suffocating. I have seen this in couples, unfortunately. The sense of being owned by someone else who has the power to say "yea" or "nay" to your actions, is degrading. It takes away free will and the joy of discovery which life provides when one is not shackled. The lifestyle provides this to some extent, even as you stay married. Sexuality is fun, yes, but the sense of being free to move around among non-judgmental, open-minded people is even more exhilarating than the sex.
It is a mind set, not personal preferences, that keeps me coming back. I don't want emotional attachments. That would hold me back. It's a very unique mind set that is set on OPEN. One has to have an open mind to belong to our subculture. An open mind takes you beyond the limits of personal preferences into a wide open field of stimulating people, who have the power to attract, repel or cause curiosity. If I restricted myself to only those in my personal preference profile, it would be limiting indeed.
So, don't get bogged down with personal preferences. You're not going to jump in bed with the first couple that comes along who says they are swingers. There are many things you'll want to know about them first. At least you should. Plus there are four of you who need to get along, not just two of you.
Enter a new group with an open mind, with the intention of going slow and staying social. Get to know people. You still have your preferences but you are not held back by those preferences. You are going to meet a lot of people intelligently. Some will fit, some won't. Be patient. You're going to be circling the field, as it were.
You're taking reconnaissance. As you observe the playground and its people, you will notice those who are doing the same thing as you. And you'll know several things about them, namely that they are patient, disciplined and intelligent. And you'll notice others who are being pushy and trying to get something started prematurely, before the fruit is ripe on the vine. Maybe they even approached you.
Don‘t jump when someone asks you to go to play with them until you know them. It could be a disaster. Don't expect everybody you meet in this lifestyle to be full-blown, experienced, open-minded swingers. There are many who are still struggling to open creaky mental doors. This is a personal growth path and everyone is at a different stage along the path. Even between a couple, one may be way out ahead of the other. Be careful you don't get sucked into a situation where one of them doesn't want to be there. You need to find out. It's going to take time.
Once you've done reconnaissance you'll feel more comfortable in the environment. You'll feel more free and more clear. Now you can take the plunge when you're ready. You can engage in heavy and heated body sensations and leave it afterward without emotional attachments, unlike a cheating affair. This is casual, lighthearted social sex.
To me this lifestyle is a step up the evolutionary ladder by several rungs. It involves a raising of consciousness, esteem, hope, personal pride and empowerment. There is respect and sensitivity. There is stimulation from the variety of people, and intellectually we are learning more about ourselves and life. Our morals and values are often higher than those found in the traditional family unit, where possessiveness and jealousy cause frustration and depression.
Bottom line, people in the lifestyle do not have to all be on the same page emotionally in order to connect for the bedroom activity. Traditionalists have to grow into this understanding. An emotional attachment is not required, and best not to be required, for a light-hearted sexual encounter that lasts only an hour or two.
Personal preferences take on new meaning in the lifestyle. It means, "What mood are you in today?" If you are sexually needy, your preferences will be one way (when you're horny it doesn't matter too much), but if you're emotionally needy, you will want someone who can fill that need and you will look around and be selective. If you're intellectually needy, still another type person will be to your choosing. And there are people who are spiritually needy. They will seek out someone who will vibrate with them on the same page.
These are the esoteric subtleties within the lifestyle of sexual sharing and variety. There is much to gain and learn from being involved with liberated, fun-loving, positive-minded people from every walk of life. Having personal preferences goes without saying. We all have them. But it's like going to a university. You have personal preferences at college as to which classes you want to take, but you are still a member of a special interest group who are walking the same path you are.
Swinging itself is a sub-culture. Not everybody wants to belong to our special interest group. Only those who believe in it and have a mindset in this direction, will try to join our ranks. They will try to persuade their wife or girlfriend, or husband or boyfriend, which is not always successful but worth the effort.
It is important to tell the women that they do not have to go to bed with every man who asks them or - Yes, you CAN go to bed with every man who asks you! And you can ask for condoms or whatever else you wish for, because it's a woman's world today in the lifestyle, and they are desired.
Women are the ones who grace it with their presence and their YES attitudes. They're the ones who allow it to happen. And once inside a group, women will meet other women who are supportive and enthusiastic. There is a sisterhood which runs deep because they can talk about sex, love and women things. Women are encouraged to set their own parameters, say what they mean and not pretend to like it if they don't.
But of course every group is different and you learn as you go. You reach out and test the waters of trust. You learn to risk in small ways to see how people respond, and you grow in trust and love. And soon someone invites you home with them and the journey has begun.
Don‘t jump when someone asks you to go to play with them until you know them. It could be a disaster. Don't expect everybody you meet in this lifestyle to be full-blown, experienced, open-minded swingers. There are many who are still struggling to open creaky mental doors. This is a personal growth path and everyone is at a different stage along the path. Even between a couple, one may be way out ahead of the other. Be careful you don't get sucked into a situation where one of them doesn't want to be there. You need to find out. It's going to take time.
Once you've done reconnaissance you'll feel more comfortable in the environment. You'll feel more free and more clear. Now you can take the plunge when you're ready. You can engage in heavy and heated body sensations and leave it afterward without emotional attachments, unlike a cheating affair. This is casual, lighthearted social sex.
To me this lifestyle is a step up the evolutionary ladder by several rungs. It involves a raising of consciousness, esteem, hope, personal pride and empowerment. There is respect and sensitivity. There is stimulation from the variety of people, and intellectually we are learning more about ourselves and life. Our morals and values are often higher than those found in the traditional family unit, where possessiveness and jealousy cause frustration and depression.
Bottom line, people in the lifestyle do not have to all be on the same page emotionally in order to connect for the bedroom activity. Traditionalists have to grow into this understanding. An emotional attachment is not required, and best not to be required, for a light-hearted sexual encounter that lasts only an hour or two.
Personal preferences take on new meaning in the lifestyle. It means, "What mood are you in today?" If you are sexually needy, your preferences will be one way (when you're horny it doesn't matter too much), but if you're emotionally needy, you will want someone who can fill that need and you will look around and be selective. If you're intellectually needy, still another type person will be to your choosing. And there are people who are spiritually needy. They will seek out someone who will vibrate with them on the same page.
These are the esoteric subtleties within the lifestyle of sexual sharing and variety. There is much to gain and learn from being involved with liberated, fun-loving, positive-minded people from every walk of life. Having personal preferences goes without saying. We all have them. But it's like going to a university. You have personal preferences at college as to which classes you want to take, but you are still a member of a special interest group who are walking the same path you are.
Swinging itself is a sub-culture. Not everybody wants to belong to our special interest group. Only those who believe in it and have a mindset in this direction, will try to join our ranks. They will try to persuade their wife or girlfriend, or husband or boyfriend, which is not always successful but worth the effort.
It is important to tell the women that they do not have to go to bed with every man who asks them or - Yes, you CAN go to bed with every man who asks you! And you can ask for condoms or whatever else you wish for, because it's a woman's world today in the lifestyle, and they are desired.
Women are the ones who grace it with their presence and their YES attitudes. They're the ones who allow it to happen. And once inside a group, women will meet other women who are supportive and enthusiastic. There is a sisterhood which runs deep because they can talk about sex, love and women things. Women are encouraged to set their own parameters, say what they mean and not pretend to like it if they don't.
But of course every group is different and you learn as you go. You reach out and test the waters of trust. You learn to risk in small ways to see how people respond, and you grow in trust and love. And soon someone invites you home with them and the journey has begun.
